From: msm5@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (MARTIN SCOTT MCGUIRE) Subject: SEX HUMOR 1 Date: 12 Nov 93 16:38:29 GMT A fellow walks into the pharmacy and ask to purchase some condoms. "What size package would you like?" "Oh, I get to choose? What do you have?" "Well we have a six-pack, a nine-pack and a twelve-pack." "Why so many different ones?" "Well the six-pack is very popular with our customers of the Jewish persuasion." "Why is that?" "Evidently, once a night, except the sabbath." "How about the nine-pack?" "That is very popular with our customers of the black persuasion. Once a night and twice on weekends." "How about the twelve-pack." "That is very popular with our customers of the white persuasion...January, February, March..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young lad goes to the pharmacy to purchase some condoms. He's got a date this weekend and wants to be prepared..."Just in case." He looks around and doesn't quite know what to make of all the various packages, and finally asks a clerk for some help. "Sure, I can help you", says the clerk. "What do you want to know?" "Well," replies the lad, "I have a date this weekend, and want to be prepared...just in case, you know? But I've never bought condoms before and I don't quite know what I should be getting." "Well," says the clerk, "this here is a 3-pack of condoms. That should do you just fine." "Why 3?", says the lad. "Well, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and an extra just in case one breaks.", replies the clerk. "Hmm....what's this 7-pack for?", says the lad. "That's for if the relationship goes past the weekend. One for every day of the week." says the clerk. "Oh my, then what's this 12-pack for?", says the lad. "Oh. You don't need that.", says the clerk. "Well why not?", says the lad. "Seems to be more economical." "Well," says the clerk, "That's for the married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do cowboys use denim condoms? Because they shrink to fit. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear of the new reusable rubbers? You turn them inside out and shake the fuck out of 'em. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear of the new West Virginian rubbers... They're open-ended for more sensitivity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How did Dairy Queen get pregnant? Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Written on a condom vending machine: These chewing gums don't taste too good!!! Written on another one of the condom vending machines: For refund, insert baby. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?" The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs." The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. The pharmacist said "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am." She said "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels.", at which point he fainted. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The farmboy goes to the big city for a better life. A hooker picks him up and they go to a cheap motel for the night. As they are about to go to bed, she hands him a condom and asks him to put it on. He looks very confused, so she demonstrates on her forefinger. They are well into their lovemaking when she suddenly realizes he's not wearing the condom, so she turns on the light and asks him, "Aren't you wearing the condom, like I showed you?" He replies, "Sure am, ma'am", and he shows her his forefinger with the condom on it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A teenager of about 17 has a hot date with a girl, so he decided to go to the pharmacy to buy some condoms. (Conversation as follows) Pharm: What can I help you with? Teen: I'd like to...uh... ah... buy a condom. Pharm: Ok. Here you are. (Sets condom, on counter.) Teen: (Thinking that was rather easy and painless) Well, now that I think about it, I think I'll be needing two condoms. Pharm: Well, ok. (Gets another one). Teen: (Getting bolder.) Actually, its a pretty hot date I have tonight, I think I'll be needing four condoms. (Teen keeps changing his mind and increasing the number of condoms he wants until he's leaving the pharmacy with 2 dozen condoms) Now the teenager arrives at his girlfriend's house. She tells him that he's invited to stay for dinner. So he goes in and sits down at the table with all of her family. The father asks if he'd like to say grace before beginning the meal. He accepts and says the following: Teen: Oh Lord, thank you for this food and the hands that made it, and the people who took the time to grow it and... (goes on for nearly 10 minutes, blessing EVERYTHING including the table, the silverware, all the containers, the floor, etc...) ...AMEN. Girl: Gee, I didn't know that you were really religious. Teen: Well, I didn't know that your dad was a pharmacist. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This kid walks into the pharmacy: "I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it." "What do you want?" "Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know..." "What do you want?" "I need some protection, alright??!?!" "What size?" "Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess." "That'll be $2.35 including tax." "Tacks? Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call grit in a condom An organ grinder! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the condom fly across the room? Because it got pissed off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a 'Tested to British Safety Standards' sign on it... Underneath someone had scrawled... '...SO WAS THE TITANIC !!' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make it 100". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What are the three sizes in which condoms are sold? Large, medium, and Caucasian. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?" "I did." "And...where did he go?" "Over to your house..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does Kodak and a condom have in common? You use both to catch those special moments!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When is the best time to wear a condom? On every conceivable occasion! ================================================================================ == GAY HUMOR = ================================================================================ Two gay men are walking along, and are checking out this guy across the street. "Hey, I know that guy! He's HOT!" "No shit..." "Well, hardly any." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When the next earthquake strikes San Francisco, why will the gay men be the first to evacuate? They've already got their shit packed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why don't blondes wear mini-skirts in San Francisco ? Because their balls hang out! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you heard of the three gay guys in San Francisco who stopped a straight woman on the street? Well, two held the woman while the third one did her hair. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If two lesbians and two fags leave New York for San Francisco, who gets there first? The lesbians. While they are doing 69, the fags are still packing their shit! or The lesbians, who go lickety split while the fags are still packing their shit! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the most common phrase uttered in a San Francisco gay bar? Hi, can I push in your stool? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the homosexual leave home? He didn't like the way he was being reared. Why did he come back? He couldn't stand to leave his brother's behind. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do a bungee jumper and a gay man have in common? If the rubber breaks, they're both in the shit! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two condoms were walking along the street, when they passed a gay bar. The first said to the second: "Want to go in and get shit-faced?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A bartender in a gay bar was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!". The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, "Alright, now give me a blowjob!". "Anything!", cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!". The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do lesbians like more than Levi Jeans? Billy Jeans. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear the one about the two lesbians who were building a house together? There were no studs in the house at all...just tongue and groove! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Liberace was great on the piano But sucked on the organ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three male friends were in a bar one evening bragging about exploits and abilities. The conversation finally turned to a comparison of genital endowment. To prove their cases the three men placed said topics of conversation on the bar for measurement. Just then, another male patron, who preferred sexual partners of the same gender, entered the bar and noticed the competition. The bartender asked the man, "What'll ya have?" The man replies, "Well, I was going to have a beer but I think I'll have the buffet instead." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a homosexual? A megasoreass. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the lesbian swimmer who was thrown out of the Olympics? She kept lapping the other swimmers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo? At a straight rodeo, they yell "Ride that sucker." ================================================================================ == SEX HUMOR = ================================================================================ SEX(1) USER COMMANDS SEX(1) NAME sex - have sex SYNOPSIS sex [ options ] usercode [ usercode ... ] DEFAULTS If no usernames are specified, names are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. OPTIONS Options to make things more interesting are as follows: -1 wiggle -a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option -b buggery -B bestiality with -c chocolate sauce option -C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W) -d get a date with the features described in -e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net) -f foreplay option -F nasal sex with plants -i coitus interruptus (messy!) -j jacuzzi option (California sites only) -l leather option -L Lick option -m masochism (see -s) -M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option -n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program kills it) -N Nipple option -o oral option -O parallel access (flower-picking party) -p debug option (proposition only) -P pedophilia (must specify a child process) -q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am) -s sadism (target must set -m) -S sundae option -v voyeurism (surveys the entire net) -v1 vaseline option -V Vibrator option -w whipped cream option -W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m) -x extra (loop routine - cumming back for more) -y yogurt option ERRORS 'Missing External' = "Where did I put the vibrator" 'Mismatch error' = One component is non-standard 'Next without For' = Next process has been started without foreplay. 'Syntax Error' = Error in chat up line 'I/O Error' = Input-Output is too slow. 'Unknown Procedure' = The process is non-standard but fun. 'No Such Line' = Chat up line has gone down 'Out of Memory' = You had too much to drink last night. 'Illegal Input' = 3 fingers are quite enough 'Undefined Variable' = Decide how much you are going to pay. 'Identifier not Used' = Don't give her your name. 'Do without Loop' = At least do it twice 'Inserted ; ' = Only with users permission bit set. 'Insufficient data' = "Oh yeah, I've taken precautions" 'Your party is not responding' = Unsuccessful strip-poker request call 'Access Denied' = Chastity bit set. 'Unknown Host Name' = "Whose party is it?" 'Output Only' = don't try anal sex 'Can't Access Floppy' = "Where the hell is it!" 'Server Not Responding' = Either too much drink or impotent. 'Too many Arguments' = Don't try talking to partner. 'Peripheral in Use' = Remove chewing-gum before administering blowjob 'Bad Baud Rate' = Use your imagination or she'll get bored. 'Copy is Unreadable' = Porno-mags are not for reading 'Already Open' = Just undo the button and off they come. 'Process Timed Out' = Premature ejaculation has occurred 'Out of Range' = Her husband is in London 'Unmatched (' = Boobs are of different sizes. 'Permission Denied' = I told you not to try anal sex 'No repeat' = Not tonight darling, I'm too tired. 'Source is Protected' = Very sensible, always keep one with you. 'Invalid Entry' = Don't take advantage of disabled people. 'CPU down' = Had to happen sooner or later. 'Connection closed by foreign host' = Husband arrival 'Illegal Direct' = "hi babe, wanna fuck" is not implemented. 'Can't Read' = People want intellectuals these days 'Begin Without End' = Not likely to occur 'only 3 connections allowed' = Stop being greedy! 'bad track' = told u not to do it to Des O'Connor! 'write protected' = its ok, she's had the op. 'cannot open' = her knees are surgically joined 'file already open' = she's a slut 'no manual entry' = switch to auto pilot 'no such process' = forget it, its impossible '65 bytes free' = after this, bites cost 10p each. 'no command' = she knows what you want 'your party has logged out' = you were too long at the chemists 'RTFM error' = see karma sutra 'mistake' = yup, thats her asshole! 'no device specified' = which vibrator do you want? 'no such device' = if device no. > 15" 'Stopped' = Doorbell activated 'Stopped by operator' = Phone rings 'Interrupt' = son arrives at location 'dlog file exists' = you logged out before ejaculation 'missing end statement' = she had gone when you awoke. 'missing bit' = Jewish operator SEX PASCAL v.69 ERRORS 'Hex number too large' = The last time I saw one that big it was hanging under a donkey 'Variable too big for memory' = It's so big it's mind-blowing 'BEGIN expected' = She's got her clothes off and ready to go 'Too many procedures' = The foreplay's gone on long enough 'DO expected' = "Come on, do it to me!" 'Label not declared' = What brand of condoms have you got? 'END expected' = "Please stop, I've had enough!" 'Too many digits' = You can't put your whole hand up 'Premature end of file' = It went limp before the climax 'Too many devices' = Which vibrator shall I choose from? 'Variant device' = I'll choose this one - it's got thrusting action 'Tag type mismatch' = The condom's too big 'Real device expected' = I don't want a vibrator - I need the real thing 'Can't read this type' = I've lost my glasses and cannot read the small writing on this sex manual 'Too many dimensions = I'm having problems translating page 47 for translator' of the kama sutra into Serbo Croat 'Digit expected' = Get your magic fingers working on my erogenous zones 'ID table overflow' = I told you not to do it on the table where it would overflow onto the carpet 'Too many nested = There's so many Des O'Connor records on records' that shelf that it's put me off the job FATAL ERROR 'Premature termination = she had an epileptic fit while giving blowjob of parameter' DEMONSTRATION PROGRAM Program Sex (input,output,input,output,input,output,input,output); var condom,up,down : boolean; Procedure up_and_down; begin if up=true then down else up end; begin repeat read(condom); until (condom=true) repeat up_and_down; until climax end. If you are a bit kinky then the following procedure may be implemented :- Procedure foreplay; begin read(choice); case choice of 1 : Strawberry Yogurt; 2 : Baked Beans; 3 : Ice Cream; 4 : Vaseline; endcase end. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6) NAME sex - have sex SYNOPSIS sex [ options ] ... [ username ] ... DESCRIPTION sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) specified in the command line. If no users are specified, they are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to make things more interesting are as follows: -1 masturbate -a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option -b buggery -B bestiality with -c chocolate sauce option -C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W) -d get a date with the features described in -e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net) -f foreplay option -F nasal sex with plants -i coitus interruptus (messy!) -j jacuzzi option (California sites only) -l leather option -m masochism (see -s) -M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option -n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program kills it) -o oral option -O parallel access (orgy) -p debug option (proposition only) -P pedophilia (must specify a child process) SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6) -q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am) -s sadism (target must set -m) -S sundae option -v voyeurism (surveys the entire net) -w whipped cream option -W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m) ENVIRONMENT LOVERS is a list of default partners which will be used if none are specified in the command line. If any are specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored. FILES /usr/lib/sex/animals animals for bestiality /usr/lib/sex/blackbook possible dates /usr/lib/sex/sundaes sundae recipes /usr/lib/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment BUGS ^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied. ^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy. MAN AUTHOR Author prefers to be anonymous. HISTORY Oldest program ever. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Murphy's Laws On Love and Sex The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. Nothing improves with age. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. Sex has no calories. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. No sex with anyone in the same office. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. A man in the house is worth two in the street. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. Virginity can be cured. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. and vice versa... Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. It is always the wrong time of month. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. The younger the better. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. Love is a hole in the heart. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Do it only with the best. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. One good turn gets most of the blankets. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. Never say no. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. Love comes in spurts. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. "This won't hurt, I promise." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I just got told this one by a friend who's in the UK. What does an Essex girl use for protection during sex? A bus shelter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth? Gladiator! (Glad he ate her) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you know what the square root of 69 is? Ate something (8.xxxxxxx....) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- But do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing fucked up by a period. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is 69 squared? Dinner for 4. What is 68? You do me and I owe you one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the speed limit on sex? A1. 68. At 69 she'll blow a rod. A2. 68, at 69 you have to turn around. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the meaning of 6.9 for a woman? 69 interrupted by a period! (ouch..gross!) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The father asked him the nature of this - to which he replied "While my wife was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her." The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a sin and forgiveness was not needed. Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty. The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way. Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning over the freezer her husband had had his way with her. The priest asked her how long she had been married. She replied it was three years now. The priest tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about. Still, the woman insisted that she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no more about it. As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband would be banned from the church. "Banned from the church?! Whatever gave you that idea?' the priest queried. "Well," she said, "they banned us from the supermarket!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These three women were sitting around one night talking about there boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on types of soda. The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!" The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven inches and it is always up!" The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels." The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor." The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my *thumb*" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side." Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My fathers says the same thing." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?" "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--" His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?" "Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This old geezer of 78 or whatever marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face. "What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk. "Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and I thought he meant his _money_". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in. Child: Mother, where do babies come from? Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into they're room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Mom: Jewelry, dear. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies? Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny. Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies? Mother: A raven, dear. Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all? Mother: A swallow! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The sky was dark The moon was high All alone just she and I Her hair was soft Her eyes were blue I knew just what She wanted to do Her skin so soft Her legs so fine I ran my fingers Down her spine I didn't know how But I tried my best I started by placing My hands on her breast I remember my fear My fast beating heart But slowly she spread Her legs apart And when I did it I felt no shame All at once The white stuff came At last it's finished It's all over now My first time ever At milking a cow... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex? During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Italian man was walking along a secluded beach one day, when he spotted a beautiful naked woman lying on the beach. Unable to restrain himself, he immediately jumped on her and proceeded to hump like a rabid rabbit. Soon, however, the townspeople came out and began to beat the man, calling him names. "Bastardo!" "Perverto!" They cried out desperately. "Perverto? I am-a no perverto!" the man hollered back. The people responded, "Idiot! Can't you see this woman is-a DEAD!?". "DEAD?!", he cried. "My God, I thought she was-a English!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two friends reminiscing over sex... This woman had a clitoris like a pickle! What - so BIG? No, so SOUR! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex? Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened. "Is the housewife in?" he asked. The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years. Husband: Guess what? I am rich. Wife: How? Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast. Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another... I said, "Let's go back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said, "No...But I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two WASPs are making love. Afterward the man says to the woman, "What's the matter? Didn't you like it?" The woman says, "Of course I liked it. What gave you the idea that I didn't?" "Well," says the man, "you moved." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush. "What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently at the scene before them. "They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's father, as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly. A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to the bathroom. As he walked by his parents' room, he heard strange noises coming from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father on top of his mother, moving in a strange way. His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and father froze. As the boy's mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom. "What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still wasn't sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make a baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father, now confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity. "Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y'know Dad, when you go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please - I'd rather have a puppy". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The difference between a good girl and a nice girl: A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed. A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Your Favorite Color Is The Key To Your Sexual Life RED Tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is lighted, it may take hours to extinguish. When two Reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterley blush. Lovers of Red tend to be the aggressors and weaker colors should beware! YELLOW If you tend to favor Yellow your sexual drivers are complex and lean toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is Yellow! No don't panic - not everyone who wears Yellow is gay. In most cases the person will acquiesce to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from someone you enjoy or admire. PURPLE Lovers of the color Purple frequently consider themselves too regal for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to muss their hair. Men are businesslike in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, Purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification. BLACK Black color preferences point to Black sex. These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that many sex offenders prefer the color Black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and teenaged gangs is Black attire. GREEN Those who prefer Green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love Green will make love like virgins all of their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward, but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity. PINK Persons who like Pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters. Women tend to tease; to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases, they flaunt their femininity - but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire lingerie wardrobes in Pink. Men who like Pink are philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will take three dates for the same evening and not keep one; preferring to pick up a dish in some bar, instead. Women whose husbands like Pink should keep a secret nest egg for when they are deserted. Pink indicates a tendency to squander money. ORANGE People who favor Orange tend to have sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic role, a one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings; meaningless dialogue they feel fits their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm, but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair and women leave red welts on their sex partners back. But the bruises and the ballyhoo add up to nothing. BROWN If you love Brown, you are a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep. Sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24-hour a day thing to them. They can't say "I Love You" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn on to a lover of Brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair. GRAY The color Gray is preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything - including colors - so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer Gray look at sex as a means of relieving tension, (nothing more, nothing less). It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women who prefer Gray don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons, to accommodate their mate or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. When a Gray marries another Gray, the marriage is made in heaven. But when teamed with another color, the Gray spouse considers the color's infidelity a blessing. BLUE Lovers of Blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sincere, affectionate and sensitive to their partners needs. They consider lovemaking a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love Blue are like concert pianists; delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the Blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners, but their passion might be compared to tidal waves rather than fiery aggression. Both men and women enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of love-making as much as the sex act itself. In marriage, a Blue person is a wonderful mate - never failing to please the spouse and never seeking outside interests. WHITE If a person in infatuated with White, sex often seems dirty. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in daylight in unheard of. Women who love White will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people will use pet names for their genitals. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi there. I'm a detective. My name is Friday. I work on Saturday. She's my secretary. A guy walked by my office, I knew he was tall; we're on the seventh floor. Last week, a woman walked into my office. She pulled out a pair of 45s, then she pulled out a gun. She invited me to a party that night. As we were driving to the party, we got a flat tire. I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked, then we got out and fixed the tire. When we got to the party, everyone was feeling merry, but Mary had to leave. Then everyone started jumping for joy, but Joy got a headache...so we left. We went to her place. A rock broke through the window and hit her in the breast, I broke three fingers. I started petting her pussy, then her cat walked in. Her husband showed up...told me to beat it, so I did, then I left. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi, my name's Friday. Usually I work on Thursday. She's my secretary. One day I was dictating to her when a rock crashed into the window, cutting my dick and her tits. Later on we went to a party that night. On the way we had a flat tire. I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked, and then we went out to fix the flat tire. When we finally got there everyone was jumping for joy. Joy was swinging naked on the chandelier. Things soon quieted down and people were gay and blowing bubbles. Bubbles didn't mind though, because he was gay anyway. We went home and as we watched tv I pet her pussy. Her cat walked in and then her father, who told me to beat it, so I did. Then I left. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Dieter's Guide To Weight Loss During Sex - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - REMOVING CLOTHES: ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE: With partner's consent.....12 Shoes flew off...............35 Without partner's consent.187 Expression didn't change....1/2 Orchestra swelled.............6 UNHOOKING BRA: Birds sang Using two calm hands........7 Large birds..................7 Using one trembling hand...36 Small birds..................3 Earth moved..................30 Lifting partner............15 PULLING OUT: Dragging partner on floor..16 After orgasm................1/2 Using skateboard............3 A few moments before orgasm.500 ACHIEVING ERECTIONS: PENIS ENVY: For normal healthy man....2.5 For woman.....................3 Losing erection............14 For men......................72 Searching for it..........115 GUILT: PUTTING ON CONDOM: Despite no formal training, With erection.............1.5 orgasm comes easily..........53 Without erection..........300 You're enjoying sex,despite the fact that other people are INSERTING DIAPHRAGM: starving......................2 If the woman who does it is Sex on your lunch hour........3 Experienced.................6 Putting it on expense account.. Inexperienced..............73 20 If a man does it..........680 AGGRAVATION: Add (5) calories for retrieving Partner keeps showing plants..5 it from across the room. Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay..........14 ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY: Partner visiting bathroom for Italian- Man on top,woman in 7th time.....................10 kitchen....................26 Partner taking phone calls....7 Russian- Woman on bottom, Partner making phone calls...40 Man getting permission.....55 American- Both on top......60 GETTING CAUGHT: By partner's spouse..........60 SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE: By your spouse..............100 Bouncing....................7 Trying to explain............55 Sliding around..............9 Trying to remain calm.......100 Serious skidding...........12 Leaping out of bed...........75 Whiplash...................27 Getting dressed in one motion 500 Thanking partner quickly......2 ORGASM: Real.......................27 Faked.....................160 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At a party, the hostess served a politician a cup of punch and told him it was spiked. Next, she served some to a minister. "I would rather commit adultery than allow liquor to pass my lips," he proclaimed. Overhearing this, the politician poured his punch back and said, "I didn't know we had a choice." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains. So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?" "Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his *right* leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his *left* leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash." "What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women. "Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry*." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A bartender has a problem with a regular customer who nightly proclaims that he's the baddest ass person around. Eventually tiring of this boasting, the bartender says "If you're such a bad ass, then you'll have to prove it to me." The customer says "No problem, name it." The bartender says" Okay, there's three things you have to do: first, there's this big bully at the end of the bar who's been hassling my customers all night; you have to kick him out of the bar. Secondly, I have an alligator in the back room that has had an abcessed tooth for the past week, you have to pull it. Third, there's a hooker up stairs who's never been satisfied, you have to go up there and make her come. The customer replies, "No problem" and commences to kick the bully out of the bar. After that he says "OK, show me to the alligator." The bartender takes the man to the back room and shuts the door. For about an hour there's a tremendous ruckus going on in the back room. The man eventually emerges with his clothes all torn and his body scratched and bitten, he goes up to the bartender and says "OK, where's the hooker with the abcessed tooth?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his shorts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day the boy and the girl are playing together again. Once again the boy points to his private parts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*." But the little girl just keeps on playing. "How come you're not crying today," asks the boy. "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of *these*, I can get as many of *those* as I want." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young couple is living on a farm. One evening a flying saucer lands on the farm, right next to their house. Out of the flying saucer steps a young Martian couple, and they look very much like humans. The earth woman invites the Martians for dinner. They all sit down and start talking. They begin exchanging ideas and traditions, and they get to liking each other so much that they decide to switch partners for the night. The farmer and the Martian's wife go into one of the rooms, and the farmer's wife and the Martian man go into the other room. As the Martian man takes off his pants, the farmer's wife looks down and sees that his phallus is extremely small. "What are you gonna do with that?" she says. "I'll show you," he says, and proceeds to twist his right ear. Suddenly his penis extends to a foot and a half. However, it is still only as thick as a pencil. "That's pretty long," says the woman, "but it's really not very wide." The Martian then reaches up, twists his left ear, and he becomes as thick as a huge sausage. They then proceed to have sex. The next morning, the Martians take off and the farmer and his wife are having breakfast. "So, how was it?" asks the farmer. "It was great," says the wife, "the best sex I've ever had! How was yours?" "Well," says the farmer, "it was kinda weird. All night long she kept playing with my ears." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Martian expedition came to Earth to observe humans. The alien spacecraft landed in the middle of the Arizona desert, infront of an old, abandoned gas station. One of the aliens decides to interact with one of the old gas pumps (confusing it with a human, since it had a round head). The alien steps forth and asks, "What is your name? Who is your leader? What do you do here?" The gas pump didn't respond. The alien gets in his spacecraft and contacts the mother ship to give his report. The alien says, " I have observed the humans. They are deaf, dumb, and as a side note, never send a female Martian to explore this planet because they have dicks so long, they hang them from their ear." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mrs. Jones goes to see her obstetrician, Dr. Smith. She says, "Dr. Smith, I'm pregnant again. I need a hearing aid." Dr. Smith says, "Mrs. Jones, I thought we decided last time that your twelve children were more than you could handle, and that you should not get pregnant again. I'm going to give you a powerful contraceptive." Mrs. Jones replies, "But, doctor, I don't need a contraceptive. I need a hearing aid." Dr. Smith: "How come, Mrs. Jones?" Mrs. Jones: "Well, you see, doctor, I'm kinda hard of hearing. At night, when the mister and I turn off the lights and go to bed, he asks me, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' And, I always say, 'What?'" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Red Riding Hood is riding through the woods to see her grandmother. As she enters the woods a birds lands on her shoulder and exclaims "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, please don't go any further. The big bad wolf says he's going to get you and fondle you. Little Red Riding Hood disregards the bird's warning and proceeds even further into the woods. A little bit later, a squirrel catches her attention and cries "Little Red Riding Hood, please don't go any further! The big bad wolf is going to get you and fondle you!" Little Red Riding Hood responds with mocking laughter and continues on into the woods. Some time later, a fox comes bounding out of the woods hollering for Little Red Riding Hood to turn back. "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, please please don't go any further. The big bad wolf is just up ahead. He's going to get you and fondle you!" Little Red Riding Hood blows him off as she did the others and rides on. A few moments later, the big bad wolf makes his promised appearance. He leaps out of the woods growling menacingly "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, I'm going to get you and fondle you!" Little Red Riding Hood nonchalantly reaches into her knapsack, pulls out a pistol, looks the wolf squarely in the eyes and says "no you're not, you are going to eat me like the story says." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It seems that mathematics isn't so impeccable after all! Especially when it comes to sex! Here are some mathematical truisms that didn't quite hold up! If you are having sex with TWO women and ONE more woman walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings, most likely. If you have two friends and six women, how many women do each of your friends get? None. Is three an odd number? Not in this day and age. If a 6-inch penis can attract 10 women, how many women can an 18-inch penis attract? Two billion. If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get? 8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants! How are math and sex the same? I don't get either one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you do in case of fallout? Put it back in and take shorter strokes! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did Adam say to Eve? You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's old wrinkled and smells like Ginger Rogers? Fred Astair's face. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have two holes so close together? In case you miss. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's natural dental floss? Pubic hair. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two teachers are talking in the hallway. "I hear you're teaching Ivanhoe this term in English class" "Yes, They weren't allowed to teach that book when I was in school" "Why not?" "Too much Saxon Violence" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing clothes in the locker room Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt. "My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing women's underwear?" "Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...as Benny Hill once said: "Did you ever notice that everyone in favor of birth control has already been born?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout? When he eats his first Brownie. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's better than a rose on your piano? Two lips on your organ What's worse than a dead dog on your piano? A diseased pussy on your organ. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's a 68? You do me, and I'll owe you one! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid? When you open her legs the lights go on -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two storks on a nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and crying, and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's fathers turn to do the job. "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later. The stork parents are desperate: their son is gone from the nest all night! Finally, short before dawn, he returns and the parents ask their son where he had been all night. Says the baby stork: "Aww, just scaring the shit out of college kids!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Entry in young woman's diary : Monday : Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends. Tuesday : Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends. Wednesday : Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away. Even the best of friends must part! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's green and eats nuts Herpes!. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I know a Girl that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't swear, goes to bed early, and isn't thinking about sex all the time." "Hey, that's great." "Yes, I know, and, you know, tomorrow she'll be five years old." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does American beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common? They are both fucking close to water! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the similarity between British Telecom and Elton John? They have both been fucked by Mercury. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There are three people in a pub. Two of them are talking to each other. They seem to be brooding. So they ask each other why they are brooding. The first one says : "Well, I think it's because I have sex only once every month." Then the second one replies : "Oh, that's true". In my case, it's only once every other month". Then, they both look at the third guy, who seems to be very cheerful. They are puzzled, so they ask him how often he has a screw. "Once every six monthes" says the fellow. "Then", ask the first, "why are you so happy?" And the third replies "Because it's tonight !!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an airplane. All of a sudden, the man sneezes powerfully. He takes out his handkerchief, opens his zipper, takes out his Willy and after having carefully wiped it, puts it back in and closes the zipper. The woman is shocked - but she thinks it wiser not to say anything and tries not to pay any attention whatsoever to this horrifying man. Then there is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one. And the same routine: Zipper open, Willy out, Wiping, Willy in and Zipper close. That nearly makes the woman sick but she just tries to ignore the whole thing. After the third sneeze (and the routine) she cannot help but ask: "Excuse me, Sir, but you have now sneezed three times. And after each time you have taken out your penis and wiped it. May I inquire why?" "Oh, you see Ma'am. Every time I sneeze, I get an orgasm." "But that's awful! What do you take for it?" "Pepper," answers the man. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so he goes to his local brothel. He enters and finds the madam. As it's the busiest time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is Chinese and doesn't know a word of English. "I'll take her," he says desperately, as he is also in a hurry. So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going full whack, the girl begins to shout out "Sung wa! Sung wa!" To which Victor assumes that this means great, fantastic, etc, so he continues unperturbed. The following day he as at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective Chinese client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can. Just then, the client T's off and gets a whole in one. This gives Victor the opportunity to use his newly found Chinese phrase... "Sung wa! Sung wa!" he proclaims, to which the client replies, "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll [insert appropriate colloquial for sodomy here]." The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He's pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do." Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, "You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman walked up to her husband and, out of the blue, hit him. He said, "What was that for?" She said, "Poor bed partner!" He thought about that for a few days, then he hit her. She said, "What was that for?" He said, "For knowing the difference!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine Sex. Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too. Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said "Me too." Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning." I said, "I am looking for Sex." My case comes up on Friday. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are you shaking for? I'm the one she's going to *EAT*! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lady goes to buy a pet. In store, sees a frog in a rosewood box, asks for the price. "This frog is worth $4000, madam." "WHAT? Why is it so expensive?" "Well, you see, it specially trained to perform cunnilingus." "I see... I'll take it." So she takes the frog home, showers, puts on a silk gown, perfume, and opens the box on the bed. The frog doesn't perform; she calls the shop. I'll be right over, says the shopowner. Moments later, the shopowner sees the problem, and tells the frog: "ALL RIGHT NOW, Look hard, it's the LAST TIME I'LL show you! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the ultimate in rejection? When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer : Well Mr.Mouse, I don't really think that your wife Minnie having bucked teeth is sufficient grounds for divorce. Mickie : Who mentioned bucked teeth? I said she was fucking goofy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the connection between a soya been and a vibrator? Both are meat substitutes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee. A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman is nearly caught with her lover when her husband comes home early. To hide her lover, she puts him in the closet. While in the closet, the lover soon learns that he is not alone. The breathing he hears belongs to, he discovers, the woman's young son. "Gee, it's dark in here, sir," said the boy. "Geez, kid, please shut up," replied the nervous man. "Well, mister, I think I'm gonna scream." "Please, kid, don't scream." "Can I have some money?" asked the boy. "Well, here, here's five dollars, it's all I've got." The boy, sensing that the man was lying, pressed on. "I really feel like screaming." "No, kid, look, here's fifty dollars, just don't scream." "Well, I don't know" "Here's the last of my money, just don't scream." The boy, satisfied, agreed to be quiet. Later, he went with his mother to a store where a brand new bike was on sale. When he tried to buy it with his new-found cash, his mother became suspicious of the source of this money. So, being a "good" Christian, she took him in to see the local pastor in confession. "Gee," said the boy, not used to being in the confessional, "it sure is dark in here." "Don't start that with me again," said the priest. One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning, the man presented her with $25.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the other $25.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented." After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $25.00, one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgement not be granted." The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted." And it was. She won the case... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Private Weston was stationed in Arabia during Desert Storm in a fairly isolated location in the desert. After a couple of weeks without seeing a single woman, he inquired to his sergeant about some leave to get some action. "Well, hell boy, just use the camel, like everyone else.", the sergeant replied. Private Weston looked at the smelly animal, drooling all over the place. "What do you think I am, some sicko pervert?" he says. The sergeant just shrugs, "Suit yourself." A couple of weeks pass by. And the pressure is just a-building in the loins of private Weston. He again approaches his sergeant. "Serg, you just gotta give me some leave or I'm gonna bust." The sergeant says, "Look boy I told ya, if you want some action, go use the camel. Weston goes over to the camel. He walks behind it and sees all the fleas and dirt surrounding the camel's butt. "Nope, still not that desperate", he says to himself and walks away. More weeks go by and Private Weston once again approaches his sergeant. Before he can speak, the sergeant yells, "Look Weston, I'm not telling you again. Either use the camel or forget it!" Chastised, Private Weston goes to the camel. "Well at least its a large, furry, female mammal", he thinks. He walks behind the camel and goes at it. After he's done, the sergeant walks up to him, visibly shaken and says, "Look, man, the others use the camel to ride into town and pick up girls." He was promoted to Colonel a week later. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A 7 year old girl barges into the bathroom where her father is having a shower. "Daddy, daddy, what's that", she said pointing at his genitalia. "Oh, uhhmm, it's a... hedgehog!", he embarrassingly replied. "Well, it's got a hell of a big dick", she snapped back. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little kid goes up to his mother who is lying in the bath naked, and asks her: "Mummy...whasat??" His mother thinks for a little while and then says: "Oh, son...that's my hedgehog." And the little boy walks away quite happy with the reply. The next week, he walks into the bathroom and sees his wrinkly old grandma lying naked in the bath. He asks her what she had between her legs, and again she tries to explain that it's a hedgehog. The little kid then runs screaming to his mother and shouts: "Mummy, Mummy, Grandma's hedgehog is dead!" "Why do you say that son?" "Because I could see it's guts hanging out all over the place!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Snow White has been thrown out of Fairyland. She was caught sitting on Pinnocchio's face shouting, 'Lie you little sod, lie!!' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot's cage, makes coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, puts the cover back on the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed. The parrot, from under the cloth: "Well that was a short fuckin' day!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man went into the bar. He said to the barman, "I want to celebrate my first blow job, so give me a double whiskey." So he drank it straight down. He then ordered 2 more, then another 2 and then another 2 again... The barman asked, "you sure you've had enough?" The man replied, "just enough to take the taste away." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a man with a 1-inch prick? Justin -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Madge had been lonely for many years after her husband's death. She decided she wanted to get married again. But, she didn't know any eligible men. So she decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad contained three criteria: 1. The man would not beat her. (like her previous husband) 2. The man would not run around on her. (like her previous husband) AND 3. The man was good in bed. The day after the ad ran, Madge's doorbell rang. When she answered the doorbell, she found a man in a wheelchair. She asked the man if she could help him and he said he was there to respond to the ad. Madge asked the man what ad he was talking about. He said the ad for the Husband. Then Madge told him that there were specific needs in the ad. The man in the wheelchair replied: 1. Look at me, I have no arms, so I can't beat you. 2. I have no legs, so I can't run around on you. Madge replied, "But there was one more important criterium the ad." The man in the wheelchair then asked: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation and how she would have to make cutbacks... Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady. She: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the the gardener. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A girl was in the shower she saw her mom's tits, and she asked when she would get some like hers. The mom replied that when she was 16, she would get tits. Later that day the girl took a shower with her dad. She asked what his penis was, and he told her that it was a dick. The girl paused asking her dad when she would get a dick, and the dad answered as soon as your mother left! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What comes one a day? The mail. What comes twice a day? The mailman when the husband is away! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell if your girlfriend is horny? You stick your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the definition of a sadist? Someone who's kind to a masochist. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do toys and womens breasts have in common. They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet. Well, Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!! The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice..." Bubba laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost 3 times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!" The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself! Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and says, "Bubba, is that you?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support for a lifetime. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Found written on a restroom wall once: Life sucks, but then again so does you girlfriend! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does a woman and a airplane have in common? A cockpit -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Various Ways To Say "Having Sex" Bang Be the rug doctor Beaver shooting Been ridin' broomsticks since she was fifteen Bend her over and load her like a shotgun Bit-o-the-ol'-in-out Bite the bearded clam Bob the knob Boink Bone Smuggling Bopping Bottom knockin' Bounce the Brillo Break her open like a shotgun Buff the helmet Buffing Bumping uglies Bury the hatchet Butter her muffin Carpet munching Check her oil Clean the carpet Come to my bed and let's practice parallel parking Cuttin' a slice Dance the buttock jig Dent the egg Dip your wick Do it Do the horizontal mambo Do the Wild Thing Doing it Doing the nasty Dueling Bedsprings Eat at the Y Feed the bear Fenorking Fit pipe Flat Dancing Fooling around Fuck Get a leg over Get your bone honed Get your noodle wet Gettin' Busy Getting you ashes hauled Getting your bunny boiled Getting your canoe shellacked Getting your horns filed Getting your weiner wet Give her the time Giving her a pearl necklace Go like a rat up a rhododendron Goin' horizontal Hammerin' Hawaiian Muscle Fuck (titty-fuck) He hasn't had his tires rotated in months Hide and shriek Hide the HotDog Hide the sausage Hiding the salami Hobble Hose I wanna bust that body I'm having lunch at the Y. It's a box lunch - furburgers! I'm so horny the crack of dawn isn't safe Lay cable Lay pipe Lay the hen Let's go "Whale some babes"! Make it Man, I'd fuck her like a tied yard-dog Muff dive Negotiate the forested chasm Park his car in her garage Pin her legs back like a Safeway chicken Play hide the salami Playing doctor Poke the yolk Poking the sushi Poking the whisker biscuit Pop you c==k Pump Put his snake through her grass Ride the skin bus into Tuna town Ring the cash register Romping Rope a poke Saturate the ferrod Screw Sharpen the pencil She hasn't had her ticket punched since Ike carried his own golf clubs Sink the Pink Slam her clam Slam some Ham Slice the muffin Slip her the hot beef injection Slip her the tubesteak! Slip her the whale Slip the Salami Snake her So horny I have to stand on my hands to pee Some nookie-nookie honey Splooge, spunk, gack, splooey Stoke her yoke Strop one's beak Stuff her muff Stuff the bunny Swallow the swan Tame her shrew Tap your tailpipe The beast with two backs The nasty Tube steak boogie Varnish one's cane Wax your candle Work the hairy oracle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a hen and a prostitute? One says cock-ka-doodle-do and the other says any cock will do. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny had to walk by a whorehouse on his way to school everyday. A prostitute always sat outside and called out "Hi, Little Johnny!" (while wiggling your pinky). Johnny asked why she always wiggled her pinky at him. "Well that's about the size of your privates, isn't it?!?" She laughed at him. The next day, Johnny walked by and she did it again: (wiggle your pinky) "Hi Little Johnny" and Johnny said: (put your fingers in your mouth to spread apart your lips and stretch out your mouth) "How you doing, lady!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, and he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and layed near his wife. "What a terrible weather today, honey." he said to her. "Yes. And my idiot went fishing!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young boy asks his Grandmother how old she is, to which she replies "That's none of your business." So he asks her how much she weighs and again she replies "thats none of your business." So he asks her why she and Grandpa sleep in separate bedrooms. Grandma gets angry at this point and sends him off to play. The boy goes straight to his Grandpa and explains what happened and his grandpa tells him that Grandmothers are like that, but if he really wants to know to, sneak a peak at her drivers license in her purse. Later, the little boy approaches Grandma and says "I know that you are 64 years old, weigh 147 pounds, and that the reason you don't sleep with Grandpa is because you got an "F" in 'Sex'!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?" "Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns." "Do you use it for anything else?" "Like what?" "Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex." "Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >From The Economist: France's greatest lexicographer, Emile Littre', was once found by his wife, in flagrante, and in the conjugal bedroom at that, with their housemaid. Happily, the exchange that followed makes sense almost as well in English as in French. "Emile," cried Mrs Littre', "I am surprised!" "No, my dear," replied the erring lexicographer calmly. "You are astonished. It is we who are surprised." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day, an old French sausage maker whose sausages were renowned worldwide decided the time had come for him to retire, but as the business had been in his family for generations and wanted to keep it so, he was keen his not too bright only son and heir take over the running. When his son came home, he announced to him, "Son, the time has come for you to take over the running my business, the business that has been in this family for generations. Come, I have some things to show you," and with that led his son across the courtyard to the place where he undertook his work. The son looked around the room and found a number of strange machines, ranging from the very old to the very modern. His father led him to the oldest machine and started to explain: "Son, this machine was invented by your Great-Grandfather, MY Grandfather. With this machine, he would put an ass in this end, and two hundred sausages would come out the other end. These sausages were renowned throughout the whole of Paris!" And with that he led his son on to the second more modern machine and continued with his explanation: "This machine here was invented by your Grandfather, MY father himself. With this machine he would put an ass in this end, and two thousand sausages would come out the other end. These sausages were renowned throughout the whole of Provence!" He next led his son to the third most modern machine: "This machine was invented by your own father, yes, me myself. With this machine I can put a ass after ass in this end and the sausages keep coming out the other end in their millions. These sausages are renowned worldwide." He then turned to his son, "So, you see, as well as taking over the running of the business, you must make your mark of generation by inventing your own machine." The son then took stock of the task and proceeded to think long and hard about what machine he could come up with to make his mark on the family business. Finally, after quite some time the son piped up, "Papa, I have an idea. How about if I make a machine where you put a sausage in one end, and an ass comes out the other." His father in disgust of the idea slapped his son saying, "You stupid boy, such a machine already exists - it's your mother!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CEO document contents: Document Reference: IPA/IN/666 Issue: Draft 42 Date: 15/04/83 No of Pages 4. Author(s): Kurt Jenner Status: Definitive Summary: This IN describes the "API Contracept Strategy" which is the exact Converse of the "IPA Intercept Strategy." Various contracept methods are described, and it is concluded that an "Exocept" (Counter Contracept) Strategy may be based on a recognition of these. 1. INTRODUCTION ------------ The IPA Intercept Strategy has been widely publicized. It also appears that many other organizations are taking a similar approach to OSI Standardization. However, it has been discovered that some organizations are also practising the converse of this: the API (Active Prevention of Inter-working) Contracept Strategy. This little known strategy is operated secretly but most effectively, and the purpose of this IN is to bring some of its method out into the open where they can be recognized for what they are. 2. THE CONCEPTION -------------- The development of International Standards can be likened to the events of conception, pregnancy and birth. At the outset, the decision to produce a standard is made. There then follows frantic activity during which many organizations compete to develop the standard. An International Standard can usually trace many ancestors in its genes. Eventually the standard is born and is given a name, which is generally quite prosaic but interestingly is always called after the mother. The gestation period of an International Standard depends on its mother and may be up to 5 years. Many organizations develop their own standards, but the chief International ones are ISO, CCITT, ECMA and ANSI. The prime focus for OSI Standardization, ISO (Internecine Strife Organization), sees the effect of both Intercept and Contracept Strategies; it is not accidental that "ISO" is "OSI" backwards. One body that is very effective in getting its own way is CCITT (Comit'e pour Conformance aux Ide'es T'el'ephiniques Totale). However, ECMA (Effective Contracept Methods Association), provides an excellent counter to CCITT activities. ANSI (American Nexus for Sub-committees In-fighting) finds itself in the middle of opposing CCITT-like and ECMA-like views. 3. METHODS ------- 3.1 Sterilization ------------- The intention here is to prevent rival organizations from producing any useful ideas. As a rule this only delays rather than prevents effective output, but time is of the essence in Standardization work. Sterilization methods require attendance at rival organization meetings. Some techniques used are: - bogging down the meeting by discussing trivia and causing diversions onto irrelevant topics. - introducing contributions from other organizations and insisting that they be evaluated for consistency with the work of the organization itself. - sending enough people to the meeting to ensure that promising ideas are voted down. 3.2 Abstinence ---------- This method aims to ensure the involuntary absence of rival organizations from important meetings. This is generally not a reliable method, but is practised because of its unsettling side-effects. Its techniques include: - holding meetings in inconvenient places (e.g. on the other side of the world) - choosing meeting times to clash with those of rival organizations. 3.3 Rhythm Method ------------- This method is widely practised, but is not effective for contracept purposes on its own. The essence of it is that regular attendance (hence the name) is made at the meetings of rival organizations. The result is insinuation into the organization so that its members forget that the insinuator is an outsider. The ultimate success of the Rhythm Method is being appointed as Secretary (which is a good position to be in if facts or views have to be distorted) or even as Chairman. 3.4 Withdrawal ---------- This is a very risky contracept tactic and requires considerable courage. The principle is to withdraw totally from a discussion which is leading to contrary ideas. If done properly, it not only undermines the confidence of the others in the idea being debated, but also gives the "agent-provocateur" a chance to sow the seeds of dissension elsewhere in other sub-groups. 3.5 The Sheath ---------- The SHEATH (System for Harassment of Enemies and Tying their Hands) is reasonably reliable if used properly. When attempts to prevent a rival organization from developing and bringing its own ideas to a meeting have been unsuccessful, then various methods of frustrating effective delivery of these ideas are available: - ensuring that the rival organization does not get a fair hearing (it helps to be Chairman of the meeting !) - splitting the meeting into more sub-groups than there are members attending from the rival organizations so that their contributions are dissipated. 3.6 The Cap ------- As a fall-back position it is possible to use the CAP (Competitor Annihalation Programme), although it must be applied only after the situation has been carefully sized up. The intention is to ensure that competitive ideas, although properly presented, fall on deaf ears. To arrange this takes real skill, but some ploys are: - lobbying people before the meeting to make sure that their minds are already made up - diminishing the status of contributions by contriving that they are given as individual rather than organization positions - arranging for rival contributions to be made just after lunch or as late as possible (once again, being Chairman helps!) 3.7 The IUD ------- IUD (Insidious Undermining of Discussion) methods come into play when, despite all endeavours described above, a rival idea has taken root. The best option in this case is to cause so much confusion that the idea is swamped and forgotten. The techniques of Sterilization (section 3.1) are relevant here although in a different context, but some specialized IUD tactics are: - querying definitions and terminology with a view to ensuring that everyone doubts that he understands what anyone is talking about - quibbling over editorial niceties and getting the original ideas lost in a discussion of their form not their content. 3.8 The Pill -------- The PILL (Permanent Interference with Likely Leaders) is the summation of all the contracept methods described in previous sections. It is very demanding to sustain this, but more importantly not to get caught doing it. However, as the very lack of recognition of contracept techniques demonstrates, the PILL can be employed effectively and indetectably over a long period of time. One particular development of the PILL demands description. This is the Morning-After PILL, which is administered after the event if all else has failed. No reliable method has been found of frustrating an idea once it has been accepted, but research into this possibility is continuing. 4. THE CONTRACEPT STRATEGY ----------------------- The Contracept Strategy may be applied at three levels. First of all, it may be used against competitive developments' at an early stage. Secondly, it may be used to make others aware of the problem and help defeat it. Finally, it may be used to make sure that rival ideas are not brought to fruition. This culminates in a triple contracept. It is analogous to deciding which horse should lose, backing against it and nobbling it. 5. CONCLUSION ---------- This document has aired some of the methods of the Contracept Strategy. By doing so, it is hoped that it has brought this subterfuge to light and may form the basis of an Exocept (counter-contracept) Strategy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ike, Mike and Mustard were on a weekend outing staying at The Olde Log Inn resort. Mustard decided to take a nature hike and ended up missing for two days. When he turned up in the local infirmary literally beaten to a pulp Ike and Mike rushed to see what had happened. According to Mustard, he had gotten lost. After wandering around for what seemed like hours he finally spotted a parked car with what appeared to be people in the back seat. Unfortunately, the last thing he remembers was sticking his head through the window and asking "How far is The Olde Log Inn?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and his girl friend wanted to engage in passionate sex for the first time. He pulled off his socks. "What happened to your toes?" she asked. "Tolio" he said, as he pulled off his pants. "What happened to your knees?" "Kneesles" he said. He took off his underwear. She said: "Don't tell me, smallpox, right?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy and a girl are in bed, screwing, when he says to her, "Turn over. I want to fuck you up the ass." "You want to fuck me up the ass?" she repeats, unbelievingly. "Isn't that a little presumptuous?" "Presumptuous?" he counters. "Isn't that a big word for a seven-year-old? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you know that 60% of all women are battered? And I've been eating plain all this time! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the similarity between cunnilingus and the Mafia? One slip of the tounge and you are in deep shit. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- George Burns is a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Oprah: George, you're around 90 years old, and you still have women hanging all over you. What's your secret? Burns: Well, Oprah, I'm simply the greatest lover in the world, and once a woman finds that out, she refuses to let me go. Oprah: Seriously, George... do you spoil them with lavish presents for being your sex toys? I mean, I can't imagine a man of your age being the world's greatest lover! Burns: I am serious, Oprah... in fact, if you don't believe me, stop by my dressing room after the show and I'll show you first hand. Oprah: Ok, you're on. After the show, Oprah stops by George's dressing room and they start to go at it. Oprah is having the time of her life, and George is really living up to his claim. After about two hours, George stops pumping... Burns: Listen, Oprah, I've gotta take a nap for a while, but if you keep both of your hands wrapped around my dick, I'll wake up soon and we can go at it again. So she does, and after about a half hour George wakes up and they start going at it again. A while later, after Oprah's fourth orgasm, George takes another breather and again says: Burns: Oprah, Oprah, you're holding up great, and I want to keep giving it to you, but I've gotta take another nap. Hold my dick with both your hands, and when I wake up, we can go at it again. Oprah: Oh, George, you really are the greatest lover in the world, and I can understand why a man your age would need to take a break now and then, but I don't understand why I need to keep both hands on your dick while you're sleeping. Burns: That's easy, babe... the last time I had sex with a black girl in my dressing room, she stole my wallet while I was asleep. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two elderly ladies are sitting on the porch in their rockers just talking 'girl' talk. Emma: My word Matilda! You and Johnny were married for quite some time. How many years was that anyway? Matilda: Oh, we were married for 65 wonderous years. Emma: My-oh-my-oh-my! But can you tell me in all that time did you two ever have mutual orgasm? Matilda: I don't think so. I believe we had State Farm. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sex is a misdemeanor; the more I miss, the meaner I get! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the "day after" pill for men? It changes their blood type. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm such a lousy lover... One day, I caught a peeping tom booing me! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ya know...I always look for inner beauty in a woman. Once inner...BEAUTY! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the new course you can take at school? Intercourse, you go between periods and you are expected to come. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive. The husband says "I'll just nip around by their window and see what they do - we can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!" Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this they rush together and make tumultuous love. The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more inflamed herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says: "Run right out for some grapefruit and lifesavers!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you know there are four different types of orgasms? They are: The positive orgasm: "Oh yes, Ohh yesss, OH YESSSS!" The negative orgasm: "Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO!" The spiritual orgasm: "Oh god, Ohh goddd, OH GODDD!" The fake orgasm: "Oh Steve, Ohh Steeeve, OH STEEEEEEEEVE!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with her 6 male friends? She came home with a red snapper. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A pleasure boat captain leased out his craft and services to an old and affluent man and his young, very beautiful mistress. As misfortune would have it, a storm wrecked the boat and stranded the three of them on some far away island. The island was quite small and had only one tree which was often used to look-out for passing ships. The cramped quarters on the island made it very difficult for the captain to pursue the young mistress. Even if the old man was on look out, there was no cover for him to take her and have his way. She had already expressed her desire to comply, but they could never get away from the view of the old man. Finally, the captain gets an idea. The next time he is in the tree on look out, he shouts down to the couple below, "Hey, stop having sex down there!" The next day, he does the same thing. "Hey, stop having sex down there!", he says. This continues for a couple of more days until the old man takes watch. As soon as the old man is up the tree, the captain makes his move with the mistress. The old guy sees what's going on below and thinks to himself, "Gee, from up here, it does look like they're having sex." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There are three kinds of sex in a marriage. The first is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, in the kitchen. The second kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, you gotta do it in the bedroom. The third kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say "Fuck you." There is also a fourth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For those of you about to become first time fathers, you should know something that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during pregnancy. During the first trimester, you do it regular style. During the second trimester, you do it doggie style. During the last trimester, you do it wolf style. "What the heck is wolf style?", you ask. That's when you sit by the hole and howl! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >From a list of statistics in the September issue of Glamour Magazine... 1. Most marriages occur in June. The least number of marriages occur in January. 2. If you are 18 and over, you have a 64% chance of marrying. 3. Men are 37% more likely than women to remain single - at least until age 55. 4. If you are a professional woman, you have a 55% chance you will find love in your office. And, love that starts at work tends to last longer than romance that originates in a single's bar or health club. 5. Men and women's peak years for marrying are between 25 and 29. In second place for women: the years 20 to 24. In second place for men: 30 to 34. 6. Women have a 33% chance of marrying a younger man. This is considerably higher than ten years ago. 7. The chances of a marriage enduring forever are slim. Median duration of a marriage in the U.S. is 7 years. 8. Marriage after divorce?: Women have a 78% chance of remarrying, while men have an 83% chance. 7% of women will remarry within 1 year, 35.7% within 3 years, and 49.4% within 5 years. 9. Women whose parents are divorced have 50% more likely to divorce than women whose parents stayed together. For men, there is a 23% greater likelihood. 10. Premarital cohabitation increases the chance of divorce by 80%. Some sociologists say this means that couples who lived together may not feel as "bound" by their vows. 11. People who marry at 24 are more likely to divorce than those who marry at 34. The divorce rate is particularly high for men and women who marry in their twenties, and declines steadily thereafter. 12. Your chances of marrying someone from another race are less than 1 in 50. 13. Only 6% of divorced women collect alimony. 14. In this age of AIDS, single women between 18 and 44 are sexually more active. 15. The immune systems of married women function better than those of unmarried women thereby lowering the risk of AIDS. Happy marriages produce even healthier immune systems. 16. 85% of divorced or separated women say they are happy with their single status, while only 58% of the men are happy with theirs. 17. Women who are romance novel addicts have sex 74% more often than women who read less stimulating material. 18. American made condoms have a 12% failure rate while foreign models have a 21% rupture rate. 19. 50% of single women approve of premarital sex. 20. Only 12% of women who are able to become pregnant are using no contraception. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This old couple Mavis and Ron are sitting at their front porch. Mavis : Fuck you Ron. Ron: Fuck you Mavis. Mavis : Fuck you Ron. Ron: Fuck you Mavis. They continue for about 2 hours; finally they stop. Mavis : Well Ron, oral sex all it's cracked up to be? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's Rodeo Sex? Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her "This is the way your sister likes it too." You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A boyfriend and girlfriend were visiting the zoo one day. They stopped outside the gorilla cage and decided to observe the gorilla's habits. The gorilla seemed bemused by the couple and just sat there doing absolutely nothing. After several minutes of staring at the gorilla, the boyfriend said to his girlfriend "Lift up your blouse and show him your tits". The girlfriend, at first, refused but then decided that it might be amusing to see how the gorilla would react. She hoisted up her top and the gorilla immediately raised his eyebrows. Seeing the gorilla's reaction the boyfriend said "Drop your pants and show him your ass". The girlfriend dropped her pants and showed the gorilla her ass. The gorilla began to pant and had sweat pouring off his gorilla eyebrows. He started jumping up and down and running around his cage. The boyfriend then said to his girlfriend "Now drop your pants and show him your pussy". The girlfriend hesitated for only a moment and then drop her pants and showed the gorilla her pussy. The gorilla was now going completely crazy with sweat pouring off his brows and an enormous gorilla hard-on. He was jumping up and down frantically. The boyfriend then pushed his girlfriend into the cage! She was shaking in the corner and as the gorilla approached her, the boyfriend said "NOW TELL HIM YOU'VE GOT A HEADACHE!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married life: Italian: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in wine, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild. Frenchman: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in chocolate, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild. Aussie: When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of bed and wipe my dick on the curtains, and my wife, she goes wild. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time there was a little sperm. He lived with many thousands of other litter sperm, but this little sperm was different. He dreamed endlessly of the glorious day (or night, most likely) when he and his friends would be released to accomplish their great mission in life. The man they inhabited, however, practiced coitus interruptus, and at the moment of orgasm, the small army found itself denied release. One night, the little sperm told his pals: "Enough of this! The next time he arrives at the point of orgasm, let's make a concentrated rush." The big moment arrived, but one of the vanguard yelled: "Back up! Back up! He's in the asshole!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why are Brussel Sprouts like pubic hair? You just push them aside and carry on eating. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A very poor couple had just been married and all they could afford was to share a house with an elderly couple. What's worse is that they have to sleep on the top half of a bunk bed, while the older couple slept on the lower half. Needless to say, the young couple wanted sex often. Instead of asking the question explicitly, for fear that they would be overheard, they agreed to use the code "eating orange" for sex. So every night, the husband would ask his wife, "Honey, do you feel like eating orange?". This went on for several weeks, until one night when the husband asked, "Honey, do you feel like eating orange?", to which the old man from below interrupted, "You know, I don't mind ya eating oranges so much, but could you please not drip the orange juices down here!" ********************************************************************************