Newsgroups: rec.humor From: nathan@cco.caltech.edu (Nathan Mates) Subject: Clinton Jokes... Getting longer :) Message-ID: <1pg5aeINN6sq@gap.caltech.edu> Date: 2 Apr 1993 01:36:14 GMT Organization: California Institute of Technology, Pasadena Lines: 2166 Well, thanks to the generous people who find it in the bottom of their hearts to respect the prez, and find their wallets threatened enough to tell jokes. This is the biggest collection I know about; if you have any more jokes, I'd love to hear them. This file and others are available by anonymous ftp from cco.caltech.edu, in the directory pub/humor/political... Nathan Clinton Bashing There were 3 high school-aged boys walking down the street in Washington. Suddenly, they see Bill Clinton go jogging by, and he's about to be hit by a car. So, they pull Bill out of the way and save his life. Bill says "Thank you for saving my life. I'll grant each of you one wish." The first boy says, "I want to go to Georgetown." Bill pulls some strings and gets the boy admitted. The second boy says "I want to get into West Point, but it normally requires a Congressional appointment". So Bill calls up his Democratic friends in Congress and gets the boy his appointment. The third boy says "I want to be bured in Arlington National Cemetary." Bill says "That's an odd request for a 17-year old!" The boy says "Yeah, but when my father finds out I saved your life he's gonna kill me!" --Thanks to Rush Limbaugh, apparently. POLITICALLY INCORRECT DEFINITIONS OF WHAT BILL CLINTON'S REALLY SAYING What he says............................What he means ----------------------------------------------------------------------- "My fellow citizens"...................."Suckers" "I didn't inhale"......................."I think you're all idiots" "goals"................................."lies" "broad-based contributions"............."taxes" "investing in our infrastructure"......."pork-barrel spending" "spending cuts"........................."decimating the military" "jobs program".........................."military base lay-offs" "Vietnam"..............................."where?" "Attorney General"......................"the first semi-qualified woman I could find without a criminal record" "God bless America"....................."God help us, 'cause I don't have a clue" "Fairness".............................."screw all of you" "I feel your pain"......................"and I like it" "Economic program"......................see "investing in our infrastructure" "diversity"............................."millionaires" "opportunity"..........................."federal handout" "compassion"............................see "opportunity" "crime"................................."gun control/ban", ref "Attorney General" "deficit reduction".....................see "goals" and "Economic program" "foreign policy"........................see "Vietnam" and "spending cuts" "Health care reform"...................."nepotism", ref "broad-based contributions" "The Big Dinner in Los Gatos: After a couple of Cocktails, President Clinton and the entire Entourage were finally served. John Sculley was presented with Grilled Salmon, Garnished with a small bowl of Apple sauce. Hilliary Rodham had Breast of Chicken. Al Gore had Quail.... Of course. When the Waiter presented President Clinton with the finest Cut of Prime Rib you ever saw, He Looked at the plate and said " I ordered the Pork Chops!!" The Manager (Who was hovering at this point, said respectfully "Mr. President, I was there when you ordered and you requested the Prime Rib." Bill Replied " I never said that"..." The current menu at the White House Mar 22 1993 From Kosher Kitchen, add 15% broad-based value-added contribution. Certain items may not be available from Kosher Kitchen. Changes in menu and kitchen by First Lady Hillary Clinton (NYT Feb 01 93) Certified by the Department of Agriculture, won the 1993 Espy award. NOTE: I more suggestions for a "lite" menu for Secretary Aspen. We do not want to contribute badly to his heart condition. Breakfast Waffles (catered by McDonald's) 1. Pain waffle $2.25 2. Waffle with a middle class tax cut NOT AVAILABLE(1) 3. Waffle with Lloyd's consumption tax syrup (2) BTU-dependent 4. Fried Waffle in Haitian Rum Sauce $3.25 with curly-excuse potatoes $2.99 (not available for Jesse Jackson) (1) It's not the #1 item on our menu. I don't know who suggested that it would be, but we never said it would be a balanced part of our nutritious healthy budget of calories. (2) With added ethanol. Also "reduced calorie" available, especially for those with gas problems. Fruit Loops in milk (camouflaged) 21 votes trial basis until July from Senate Nunn of the camouflage NEGOTIABLE "Chelsea's breakfast specials" {lots of sausage, bacon, and waffles} with Quaker Oats $3.15 with condoms $3.50 with RU486 (test recipe) UPON REQUEST Jogging track hash rounds $1000 gratuity Stuffed Shelby Thousands of Ball-and-chain, whipped, & opposition-free jobs in AL QUOTE: ... The day after Clinton announced his budget package to a joint session of Congress, Vice President Al Gore sought to sell the plan by visiting lawmakers. But he was embarrassed at a meeting in Sen. Richard Shelby's office when, as the cameras rolled, the Alabama Democrat publicly complained that the proposal was "high on taxes and low on cuts." The response from the White House was swift and unapologetic: officials said they would move from Alabama to Texas the management team for a space shuttle contract, a loss of 90 jobs for Shelby's state. "We tolerate dissention here," said one administration official familiar with the episode. "But he embarrassed the veep on national telelvision instead of speaking to us privately." /Clinton musters support for plans by courting congress/ Richard Berke, NYT News Service Mar 08 93 from Duke _Chronicle_ p. 13. Budget cuts from Democrats Not available due to an "emergency" $30B to be announced and executed in 1997-98. The NY Times reports that Rep. Charles Schumer was asked why the Democratic plan (lots of tax increases) is better than the Republican plan (no tax increases). Schumer said "what makes our budget the best is that it can pass, and we're doing something about the deficit." RLS Mar 19 93 from Republicans Found in trash 1. Rep. John Kasich (R-OH) produced a Republican plan which would reduce the deficit by $429 B over the next five years, without any tax increases. 2. Santorum-Specter plan (cut $97B of spending) Subject: Re: Give me specifics == Yet Another Lie Date: 9 Mar 93 16:26:02 GMT 3. Gramm-Lott amendment in Senate 4. Sen. Hank Brown (R-CO): WSJ Mar 09 93, p A16. 5. Rep. Gerald Solomon (R-NY). Compromise bill that incorporated elements of the Clinton plan's taxes and Kasich's spending cuts. Defeated with the Kasich plan on Mar 18, 1993. Cuts included "killing" the superconducting supercollider, and an additional $60B in defense cuts underneath the defense cuts set by Bush, Powell, and Cheaney which were $50B beneath the 1990 Budget deal caps. Sandwiches 1. The Congressional Special Two FAKE pork patties (it's a Kosher kitchen, after all), special interests, and an industrial strength laxative (to help it go down smooth) on a sesame and caraway seeded bun (to show the bun's cultural diversity) $3.95 Tenderheart recipe 25% fewer staff members than the old WH menu, but have yet to see if the Congressional Special's recipe will follow the lead $4.50 2. The Social Security Special SEE NOTE 3. Spotted Owl Wings @ SEE NOTE 4. Fried chicken lips (demonstrated by DNC) $120 K cf. The Economist, Feb 27; RLS Mar 08 93 5. Supreme Choice Sandwich $13.20 May substitute for White bread anything that is tested pro-choice, has minority status, and has liberal activist connections to Clinton's law school profs at Yale. 6. Carville's Blackened Louisiana Basketball Final Four tickets Carville was also asked why so many campaign officials had been brought back to the White House to straighten things out. He replied "well, it's like how many blacks you played on the basketball team in Louisiana 20 years ago - the rule was three at home, four on the road, and five when you're behind." Reported in RLS Feb 26 93 [Right after he had been brought into the White House to fix the Clinton administration's mess of things, Carville talked about how "the President is doing a fine job, but the problem is we don't know what to do with her husband."] NOTE: Cannot be served at this time, as it is an endangered species. - VP A.G. @ Spotted Owl Wings is an actual menu item at the Bordermine Cafe in Colorado [RLS Feb 03 93] Entrees 1. Sacrificial Republiclamb with scapegoat cheese ***SPECIAL*** with Ronaroni memory of 1980s with Broccoli guilt of Horton with Quail and a baked potatoe price is a joke 2. The Rainbow Cabinet Trout (confirmed in less than a month) in a special interest jus $11.00 with a salad fit for millionaires $9.00 a la Hillary (grilled over wood for at least 90 min) $7.95 feminist flambe' (a sprinkling of womyn/en) $7.75 with Reich-a-roni (laborously stirred) $7.50 in a Ron Brown sauce (w/o Social Sec Sauce, with golden parachutes) $1.4M with Zoe-cchuni NO LONGER AVAILABLE Nevada-style (all croutons from Reno) $8.36 a la Gore (without fish, not cooked over a stove, no nukes or microwaves, not stored in a Freon-using refrigerator ... hell, it's just pieces of raw organically grown grass) $9.50 3. Suefood Surprise with a cabinet full of lawyers $10.95 with a cabinet full of millionaires $10.95 with a "leaner" bureaucracy $10,950 fully serviced by illegal immigrants NOT AVAILABLE with micromanagement NO EXTRA CHARGE Children's Legal Defense Fund Portion with a parental lawsuit and an Al Gore Environmentally sound coloring book (bag of crayons, no book - would mean the death of a tree!) PARENTS BILLED 4. Stephanopoultry assortment (from the "Chicken Plant") without a Dee-Dessert $6.75 with a large Gephardt role $7.95 special prosecutor UPON REQUEST 5. (Mis)Steak of the Union $10.15 Burned to a crisp. (Hey I guess we asked for it.) 6. Forest Gridlock Summit Vegetarian Pizza (may substitute marijuana for oregano in Arkansas:: 01/28 AP Report) $8.95 "WORKING TOWARD NEW, BALANCED AND COMPREHENSIVE POLICY FOREST CONFERENCE SET FOR APRIL 2 IN PORTLAND, OR After Years of Gridlock, Action to Save Jobs and Precious Resources ... It is time to break the gridlock that has blocked action and bring all sides together to craft a balanced approach to the economic and environmental challenges we face." Wed Mar 10 93 White House Press Release Beverages 1. Hope Springs Eternal (Flavored dirty tap water from the Arkansas River near the "Chicken Plant") In a recycled glass or plastic bottle (BYO Bottle) $2.25 "Dolphin-Free" $2.95 "Soak the Rich" punch We'll back a truck to the nearest window, stick a nozzle in your mouth, and irrigate you like some Tennessee Valley Authority project. UPON REQUEST 2. Celestial Blackmail Teas $100K [Celestial Teas targeted by the New York Boycott Colorado group, which was formed in protest of Colorado's rejection of Amendment 2. Story by Walter Smith, Colorado Springs IT Center, Feb 05 93] 3. Shalala Shake $2.50 Milk shake with PC pudding and a pink flamingo decoration. Stirred with tongue depressor. [Inspired by a picture of 1000 plastic pink flamingoes placed on a quad area in the University of Wisconsin.] 4. CAFE au EPA 40 mpg 5. Dallas Cowboy Stampede Scalp of Wash Redskin Dee-Desserts Slick Willy Long Island % $1.00 Hillary's health care cookies $2.99 with Celestial Blackmail Tea $3.99 Triple layer-of-taxes cake (SALE PRICE!!!!) $30K or more Schoolhouse deficit cake $128.31 Sweet death of pro-life movement (Gunned down) Freedom of Choice Access Act Passage % Really, this is an actual menu item in Harry's Chocolate Shop, an adult bar in West Lafayette IN. (It's $3.00 w/tax.) Source: Kevin L. Stamber, Purdue Univ. ********** SPECIAL NOTICE ********** SPECIAL NOTICE ********** Any item from the old John F. Kennedy menu 15% off menu price. Any item from the old Franklin Roosevelt menu is 20% off. Any item from Eleanor Roosevelt's recipe book is FREE!!!!!! ************************************************************** LIST OF FINANCIAL PATRIOTS Larry Villella, a 14-y.o. in Fargo ND [Feb 22 93] $1000.00 "I think you're really a symbol of what's best in this country, and I'm proud of you and I thank you for doing this." -- Bill Clinton An elementary school [RLS Mar 08 93] $ 130.00 An elementary school [RLS Mar 08 93] $ 200.00 Liz Smith, gossip columnist, NY Newsday [Mar 03 93]: "Now is your chance actively to help Uncle Sam with his deficit headache. Do you want to do something useful, while waiting as Congress tries to sweat out and melt down President Clinton's new tax program? Well, you can! Simply figure out how much you can bear to part with and make out a check to the government of the US, marking it as a contribution to help reduce the deficit. "This is a trendy and good thing, no matter how big or small your contribution, and it is something that more and more people are doing to show they really want the deficit reduced. If everybody in the country sent a small check or money order, it could make a very big impact. Address your envelopes to President Bill Clinton, The White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC 20500." A prison inmate at Somers CT [RLS Mar 17 93] $ 25.00 WEBSTER'S CLINTONESE - TO - ENGLISH DICTIONARY (FIRST EDITION) CLINTONESE ENGLISH __________ _______ "My fellow citizens" "Suckers" "I didn't inhale" "I think you're all idiots" "goals" "lies" "broad-based contributions" "taxes" "investing in our infrastructure" "pork-barrel spending" "spending cuts" "decimating the military" "jobs program" "military base lay-offs" "Vietnam" "where?" "Attorney General" "the first semi-qualified woman I could find without a criminal record" "God bless America" "God help us, 'cause I don't have a clue" US President Bill Clinton plans to reduce the budget deficit by an appeal to sacrifice. The problem, however, is that every time he gets near a virgin... In an article on Northern Ireland, the political party Sinn Fein was described as the political wing of the IRA. I guess that makes the U.S. Democratic Party the political wing of the IRS. President Clinton had heard of all the starving people in Somalia, and wanted to get a look for himself. He ordered his aides to prepare Air Force One. On the plane, the president looked down with his binoculars, and said "My God! Look at them! Skinny, starving -- where are our troops?" An aide chimed in: "Er, Mr. President... that's not Somalia. It's Arkansas." VoiceFromWhiteHouse> Sorry, but we just have to cut all our - non-essential staff here (voice revealed to be Hillary) Hillary> So, Bill, I'll give you 'til 5 to get out! Reporter 1> The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation! Reporter 2> And that concludes our report from the Clinton White House Slick Willie appoints his wife to chair health care reform and now appoints yet another Kennedy to be, of all things, Ambassador to Ireland. Who said nepotism in American government is dead? Hillary is being driven around Washington D.C. and spots a little boy sitting in a park with a wagon. She thinks, 'this is a great press opportunity' so she has her driver pull over. She gets out to talk to the little boy and discovers that he has 6 little puppies in the wagon. She comments on how nice they are and the little boy says 'thank you ma'm, they're Democrats!' Of course Hillary is extremely pleased by this. A few days later, Bill decides to take one of his jogs down to McDonalds, which is close to the park, and Hillary mentions that if he should see a little boy with a wagon he should stop and talk to him. Well, Bill sees the little boy with his wagon and puppies so he tells the little boy 'what nice puppies those are!' The boy says, 'Thank you sir. They're Republicans!' 'Wait a minute,' says Bill, 'Hillary told me that they're Democrats.' The boy responds, 'Yes sir, but now their eyes are open!' Bill Clinton dies and goes to the pearly gates, where St.Peter asks him who he is and what he did. Bill replies, "I am Bill Clinton, and I was president of the United States!" St. Peter says, "Ok, I will take you to meet the Lord." So they go to meet the Lord, who says "Who are you and what have you done?" Clinton replies, "I am Bill Clinton and I was president of the U.S.A.!" The Lord then says, "Come Bill, sit on my right hand." Clinton then sits down to the right of the Lord, extremely happy. Al Gore then dies and goes to the pearly gates, where St. Peter asks him who he is and what he did. Al replies much the same as Bill did, stating that he is Al Gore and was Vice-president of the US. St. Peter then takes him to meet the Lord, who offers Al the seat on his left side. Al accepts, and like Clinton, is ecstatic. After a while, Hillary dies and gets to the gates. St. Peter asks who she is and what she did, to which she replies, "Hillary Rodham Clinton, wife of the president of the US." Peter then takes her in to meet the Lord who repeats the question, "Who are you and what have you done?" Hillary replies, "I am Hillary Rodham Clinton, and you are in my seat!" Didja hear that in response to Pres. Bill's habit of dropping in on local McDonalds the McD's national management has annouced a commemrative double cheeseburger, the McClinton? Of course, when you get it, the price has doubled, and it's got half the meat. How about that footage on the news yesterday of our new Commander-in- Chief on the deck of the aircraft carrier (Teddy Roosevelt?).. After throwing one of his snappy salutes (he's *almost* got that down), I half expected him to give the order, "Let's turn this thang around. We're taking 'er to the dump." Or "Are there any communists on board? How'd you like to be in charge of a floor of the Pentagon?" Or "Those who voted for me, step forward. The rest of you are out of work." Or "I want you to re-target those missles from Moscow to EIB headquarters." Or "Admiral, tell me about your plans for Gay Heritage Month..." Zipity do dah, Zipity ay, Billy boy's the prez, Now we're all gonna pay. They'll take all your money, And give it away. They'll leave you with nothin for a rainy day. [ Chorus ] He's got a big chip on his shoulder dont ask me why, cause I don't know. He seems to really hate the mid class he wants to knock you right down on you'r fat ass. Zipity do dah Zipity ay Congress is behind him now we're all gonna pay. Energy taxes are rising each day my house is gettin colder cause the gas went away I can't fill my car so I can'v get away Dr. Kervorkian take my troubles away. The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with *our* money! WGST radio in Atlanta reported yesterday that the Clinton's cat Socks arrived at the White House after being driven from Arkansas by a friend. Acording to the reporter, "Socks ran around the room becoming familar with the new surroundings. There was that one embarassing moment though when Socks, as cats will do, began scratching a post. Unfortunately, it was Vice President Al Gore." "A Gore friend told him to urge Clinton to pick Sigourney Weaver for Attorney General: 'She knows how to handle aliens.'" Arkansas 12th Grade Reading Test Slick Willy, Administrator Test #1 Test #2 MR Farmers MR Snakes MR KNOT MR KNOT OSAR OSAR CMMT Pockets CMBDI's LIB LIB MR Farmers MR Snakes Test #3 Test #4 MR Ducks MR Mice MR KNOT MR KNOT OSAR OSAR CM Wangs CMEDBD Feet LIB LIB MR Ducks MR Mice Test #5 CM Puppies MR KNOT Puppies OSAR CMPN LIB MR Puppies After taking un-official office, Hillary wants to have her middle name used when news reports refer to her, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Since she is quite assertive and is giving Mr. Bill and others advice on many matters, maybe she should be called Hillary "Ram-rod 'em" Clinton. Q: How does Bill Clinton say "Fuck you"? A: "Trust me." It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while being screwed. If Bill Clinton wins the election this November, they're going to have an air-conditioned sauna installed in the White House -- so he can have it both ways. Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he wears his yellow raincoat, people shout, "Taxi!" Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton evading the draft: "Do I care if he evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does." [Bob Kerry lost an leg in Vietnam.] Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda? A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam. A: One has two boobs, the others *are* two boobs. Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow? A: By the wise look in the eyes. Richard Belzer told this joke on TV today, apparently after watching Bill Clinton's performance in last night's debate (loosely paraphrased): Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies? A: He's the stiff one. I heard that some of the women in Arkansas are so fast that they have to put a governor on them! "One thing's for sure about Clinton... -- He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!" Q: What does Gennifer Flowers do when she misses Bill Clinton? A: Eats Waffles My brother explained why Bill Clinton is having so many woes: Bill Clinton has been in the Flowers and weeds!! So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer Flowers a couple of times... ...but he didn't come. They said in the debates that Governor Clinton's home state of Arkansas has the lowest teen pregnancy rate in the nation... I'd like to thank the governor for wearing a condom." It's interesting that Bill Clinton chose a a running mate who DID inhale. Perhaps had the country paid more attention to Gennifer Flowers, Clinton would have picked Gary Hart instead. From a Mike Royko column: Gov. Clinton, after that blond bimbo got up on TV and said you had been her lover boy for years, you and your wife went on TV and your wife was affectionate, supportive and calm. Would you care to share with millions of American men how the heck you managed to talk your way out of that pickle? Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he makes love to two women at the same time, they never see each other. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo? A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time. Aides for presidential candidate Bill Clinton hotly denied new allegations of misconduct. Officials of the company marketing the popular "Where's Waldo" puzzles noted a striking resemblance while examining the bare-breasted woman depicted frolicking in the water with an as-yet-unidentified man. Clinton denies that he has ever met the woman, and says he was with Waldo the whole time. Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues. A: None -- He'll only promise "change." George Bush: "Change, change, change... That's all we'll have in our pockets if Bill Clinton is elected president." Heard on MTV News: "Bill's brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at the inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill's brother will bring down the house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the country." Did you hear Hillary Clinton ate beans on Friday night so she could take a bubble bath on Saturday? BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE 1040 Bufoo Street Little Rock, AR 72205 Dear Friend, We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising five million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in Washington D.C. This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Senator Joe McCarthy, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside the statue of Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money. Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land!" Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this IS the Promised Land!" Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land. If you are one of the fortunate few who has anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project. Fraternally, The Bill Clinton Statue Committee Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger? A: Punch him in the nose. Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying? A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one. Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and Bill Clinton's campaign limo? A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside. A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what ARE you doing?" The boy replied, "I am making George Bush, Mister." Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making George Bush? Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?" The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton." "But why not?" asked the man. The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough bullshit here to make Bill Clinton." Arsenio: I heard that Harris [headed for the electric chair] was going to imitate Bill Clinton... He wouldn't inhale... TRUE STORY A friend told me he saw this on F-Troop last night: The Captain, the Chief, and an Inspector General were discussing the Chief's breaking of a Treaty. The following was the dialog: Inspector General: But Chief, how could you break the treaty? You smoked the peace pipe with us! Chief: Ah, yes. But, I didn't inhale! HELLO! Sound familiar everybody? Not only can't Clinton tell the truth, but he plagiarizes his lies! There was a line in George's speach where he said I raised taxes 1 time and I lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved every minute. (I thought he was going to add: And it's the same way on adultry.) Governor Bill Clinton had billed himself as a common man's president. In order to garner the votes of two states, he decided to go baby-kissing and flesh-pressing along the border of Louisiana and Arkansas. There, he encountered a strange fellow working at a gas station, a common man if there ever was one. "Sir, I'm Governor Bill Clinton, and I'm running for president," said Gov. Clinton, extending his hand out for a handshake. "That's mighty fine! I'm a great admirer of yours, Governor. You've done great things for the state of Arkansas," replied the man enthusiastically. The odd man, noticing the Governor's outstretched hand, shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry Governor. As much as I'd like to shake your hand, I can't do it right here. However, I will shake your hand if you cross the highway with me." Willing to do anything for a vote, Clinton agreed and crossed the highway with the man. Upon reaching the other side, the odd man vigorously shook the Governor's hand. Curious, Clinton asked of the man, "Why is it that I may shake your hand only after crossing the highway with you?" The man replied, "Oh, that's simple, Governor. You see, that there was Louisiana, and this here is Arkansas. Everyone knows that boob touching is legal only in Arkansas." Reagan speech 8/17/92, referring to Bill Clinton (with veiled reference to Lloyd Bentson's comment to Dan Quayle during the 1988 VP debate; also after joking about his (Reagan's) advanced age): All right. Listen to me. This fellow they've nominated claims he's the new Thomas Jefferson. Well, let me tell you something. I knew Thomas Jefferson. He was a friend of mine. And, governor, you're no Thomas Jefferson. Reagan speech 8/17/92 at Republican National Convention: When we see all that rhetorical smoke billowing out from the Democrats, ladies and gentlemen, I'd follow the example of their nominee: Don't inhale. Bill Clinton justifies his proposed increases in government spending by dividing it into investment spending and consumption spending: GNP = C + I + Government Investment + Government Consumption He claims that goverment investment is productive and is worth running a deficit for. The question is whether the government can really make that many investments that are better than private sector investments. People are scared that under Bill Clinton and the Democrats, we will instead get: GNP = C + Pork Barrel + White Elephants + Bureaucracy + Inefficiency + Uncontrolled Costs + Politically Correct Spending + Outrageous Boondoggles + $500 Billion Bank Bailouts + Favors to Lobbyists + More Favors to Big-Voting-Bloc Special Interests + Even More Favors to Big-Money Campaign Contributors Most people don't think that politicians, government bureaucrats and academic economists would know an efficient investment from a hole in the wall. They think that politicians would end up calling everything they like, including increases in their own salaries, a form of investment. DLC STUDIOS Presents SLICK WILLIE One Man's Story Of Saying Whatever It Takes To Get Elected He'll do to America what he did to Arkansas. He won't inhale. He won't take us to war... because he wouldn't go himself. Hillary Clinton as "Tammy Wynette" Gennifer Flower as "The Bimbo" Ted Kennedy as "His Chaperone" Mario Cuomo as "The Godfather" Don't Miss the Sequel: GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS! DLC Studios presents BILL CLINTON as "SLICK WILLIE" in a BLOODWORTH-THOMASON production Executive Producer: RON BROWN Directed By: JAMES CARVILLE Screenplay by: GEORGE MCGOVERN Based on the Book By: GLORIA STEINEM Music by: SISTER SOULJAH Performed by: ICE-T Featuring: JESSE JACKSON as "THE RAPPER" AL GORE as "THE TREE HUGGER" PAUL TSONGAS as "ELMER FUDD" JERRY BROWN as "GOVERNOR MOONBEAM" Special Apperances by: JIMMY CARTER WALTER MONDALE MICHAEL DUKAKIS ARSENIO HALL THE HIPPIES THE YIPPIES HISPANIC LESBIANS AGAINST RACISM COMMITTEE TO SAVE THE GAY WHALES ACT UP EARTH FIRST! UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS ROTC UNIT Soundtrack Available On Rated R: Ridiculous TIME-WONDER TAXPAYER BEWARE Records and Tapes George Bush: "When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the blues." THE ADVENTURES OF PRESIDENT BILL It's Friday night and President Bill is working late in the White House. Suddenly the big, red telephone on his desk rings. RINGGGGGGGGGG, RINGGGGGGGGGG, RINGGGGGGGGGG President Bill: Hello! Hello! Voice on the Line: President Bill! We have a report that Boris Yeltsin just ordered the launch of all Russian missiles in a full-scale nuclear attack against the United States! President Bill: [take-off on a Clinton tirade against Jesse Jackson] AW SHIT!!! HE SAID HE WOULDN'T DO IT! THAT DIRTY, DOUBLE-CROSSING BACKSTABBER! SON-OF-A-BITCH!!! BAM!!! goes the receiver back in the red telephone's cradle. President Bill grabs the briefcase next to his desk, whirls the combination locks, flings open the lid, and jabs in a series of top-secret access codes. A voice comes over the briefcase speaker. Voice: Mr. President, is this a drill? President Bill: Listen to me. We're being attacked by the Russians. Launch a full-scale response immediately. Voice: Are you sure, Sir? President Bill: HELL YES!!! FIRE THE MISSILES!!! FIRE THE GODDAMN MISSILES!!! Voice: OK Sir, we're launching them this minute. President Bill: Thank you, Son! The speaker goes silent and President Bill collapses in his chair. Suddenly, an aid flings open the door and bursts into the room. Aid: Hey Bill! Neat joke, huh? Sounded real, didn't it? Attacked by the Russians! What a gag! Hey, you want something from the kitchen, Bill? How about a Pizza or something? Say Bill, are you OK? You look kinda pale. You OK Bill? Bill??? I just realized why Clinton visited Tandem yesterday rather than Sun or HP which would have brought larger crowds. He thought Tandem would be a friendlier crowd when he heard they were a "fault tolerant" company. Reporter: Governor Clinton, what damage do you think has been done to your campaign by your wife's comment the other day about how "Hitler was really a great guy" ? Clinton: (Mixture of sadness and anger, but articulate as always.) Hilary and myself are shocked, outraged, and deeply saddened by this terrible misunderstanding. The media hype is way out of proportion. You guys should know us by now--we would never say anything like that. And though she did say a few things about Germany she certainly didn't mean anything offensive by her remarks, which I might add have been willfully and shamefully taken out of context and distorted. There is nothing in my life, or Hilary's life, which can be construed as deroguerotory toward the German people. We honor them. Some of our best friends are Germans. My own grandmother was one-quarter German. And it certainly isn't true that Germans are excluded from our country club. In my eleven years as Governor of Arkansas I was responsible for hiring more German-Americans than my three predecessors combined. We have some pie charts which we'll pass around for all you boys so you have the whole story. Once the American people know all the facts they'll understand just how ridiculous this is. Part of this just naturally comes from being the frontrunner, although I never thought of myself that way or wanted to be called that. You boys just keep taking your best shots. The American people have seen the worst of me and they aren't turned off by what we stand for. But this latest outrage is just too much. You boys ought to be ashamed. Sleaze for soundbites, trash for cash, that's what this is. We have good reason to believe the audio tapes were doctored. We're not even sure if that's Hilary's voice. You guys ought to have checked this out better before launching a major attack on my wife. The whole story was phony to begin with. In fact, our sources suggest that this is is just the latest manifestation of the viscious smear campaign orchestrated by the white house, who have declared many times that they will do whatever it takes to win this election. And that's part of the reason tha we're so outraged about this--the very gall of the whole thing. The only nazis you find in America these days are people like David Duke, who of course is a Republican, not a Democrat. But I certainly don't mean to imply that George Bush has any Nazi skeletons in his closet. As I told Hilary just this morning, "Two wrongs don't make a right." It also comes as no surprise that Governor Brown has jumped on the bandwagon and has repeated these ridiculous charges every chance he gets. It is clearly in Governor Brown's interest to do whatever he can to turn the discussion away from his "flat tax" proposal which would spell disaster for the people of this nation. And former Senator Tsongas, although he tried to claim he was above such things, has also chimed in with a few comments of his own and he maintains he isn't even running any more. Unlike Senator Tsongas and Governor Brown, I've always tried to focus on issues, and God knows we've tried to avoid misleading or negative campaigning of any kind. (Turning up the heat, getting more dramatic.) The millions of citizens of this great country who are out of work or scared of losing their jobs or their health insurance know what I stand for. People are genuinely disillutioned with the way things are in Washington, and this kind of sideshow just reinforces their disgust. People have been let down, they've been shafted by Washington. They want to know whether they have a vehicle for their resentment. I have always run my campaigns as a change agent. I'm as much of an outsider as anybody. I ran the first ad against the congressional pay raise! Certainly this is a sad commentary on the manipulation of the media, and the people, by evil forces who oppose our candidacy. Here we are trying to bring everyone together in this country so that we can work for the future, and once again viscious lies are spread about us and guerilla tactics are used against us. Besides, I thought you guys were supposed to be on my side. It is just plain cowardice to keep bringing this up and attacking my wife instead of raising honest issues like the need for more submarines, my support for a middle class tax cut, the way Senator Tsongas wants to break the backs of poor honest retired folks by slashing their social security payments, how opposed I am to raising the gas tax, or the way Jerry's flat tax would cripple the nation. Maybe Hilary should have just stayed home in Arkansas and baked some cookies. Saw this on "In Living Color" last night: Barbara Bush to Hillary Clinton: "Your daughter's so ugly Woody Allen wouldn't touch her." New campaign slogan for Gov. Clinton: Smell my lips.....No more Bush I heard Bill Clinton was Grand Marshal of a stock car race during the Labor Day weekend. A politician strikes me as an excellent choice to preside over an event where people drive in circles at high speed. Ya know, I kinda hope that Clinton does get elected... It will be the first time in a long while that I'll have been able to *really* enjoy political humor... Bill Clinton has been advised by doctors to save his voice and not speak a single word for the next couple days. Guess this means he'll have to contradict himself in mime... Bill Clinton is *so* fat when he sits around the White House, he sits *around* the White House. Acronyms: CLINTON = Chicken Lickin' Idiot Now Taking Over Nation CLINTON = Crazy Liberal Intent On Needlessly Trashing Our Nation CLINTON = Clearly Loose Internal Navigation Techniques Occupy Never-Neverland GORE = Genniffer's Only Remaining Enterprise GORE = Greatly Oriented to Radical Ecology EARTH DAY = Ecological Alarmism Retold To Hysterical Dopes And Youngsters GORE = Great One Regulating Everything Well, now that the election will be a thing of the past tonight, I guess Bill Clinton will be glad. Why you ask? So he can put Jennifer Flowers to bed! [literally] Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House! A2: Because they can't afford any more pork A3: Reagan ate all the jellybeans A4: They've been having turkey FOR YEARS A5: Because Bill is having Gennifer A6: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey. If you don't like BUSH, you're a homo. Why does Hillary have a big mouth? She likes to bl** whales. Why does hillary have a grimace on her face? Bill forgot to take the di*** out. Why did Bill use the di***? Because Hillary bit it off! Why did Gennifer Flowers leave Bill and talked? Bill had NOTHING to give her! About the porno film, Slick Willie bl*** the country. And a Perot Joke: Doesn't Perot look like Radar 30 years later? And another Clinton joke: Hillary isn't just butt ugly, she's up-butt ugly! Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job Come April 21, Many Americans will be seeing the following 1040EZ, Thanks to Bill Clinton: Enter your salary from last year on line 1. ..........line 1_____________ Please remit Line 1 for tax due. Put all Comments/ Complaints in the box that follows: ------- | | | | ------- Yes, I would like to give $1 for a re-elect the president fund... ------- does Bill Clinton really live on Bufoo Street? Is that short for buffoon street? Its great that Clinton is such a common place name... It makes for great signs (thanks, Rush) like ...