BABYL OPTIONS: Version: 5 Labels: Note: This is the header of an rmail file. Note: If you are seeing it in rmail, Note: it means the file has no messages in it.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:30:47 EST From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 1 An American, an Englishman and a Japanese fellow were discussing their respective countries over drink at a London pub one evening. The English fellow mentioned how that British medicine had progressed so far that doctors recently had taken a single liver and cut it into six pieces then transplanted it into six separate men in need of a healthy liver. This had resulted in six new workers in the job market. At this, the Japanese guy said that in his country doctors had cut a lung into twelve pieces, transplanted these into twelve people in need of healthy lungs, thereby putting twelve new people in the job market. Not to be outdone, the American said "That's nothing. In the U.S. we took one asshole, made it President, and now there are 10 million people in the market for a job." ------------------------------------------------------------ Gilligan: "Gee Skipper! I sure am glad we got away from those headhunters!" Skipper: "You can say that again, little buddy!" Gilligan: "Gee Skipper! I sure am glad we . . ." ------------------------------------------------------------ Q. Do you know what mothballs smell like? A. Yes. Q. Really, how do you get their little legs apart? ------------------------------------------------------------ Q. How do you make a hormone? A. Don't pay her. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers? A: A nervous wreck. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) Programmes are the magic spells cast over computers that make them turn one's input into error messages...  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:32:46 EST From: cate8.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 2 This IBM service rep, hardware engineer, and software engineer were driving down the road one day and they had a flat. The service rep wanted to replace the car, the hardware engineer thought they could work around it, and the software engineer said 'maybe if we ignore it, it'll go away'. ------------------------------------------------------------ A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell. Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Adam Smith, looking bored. "What's it like in there?" asked Dave. "Well," replied Adam, "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives." "That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like. "In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives." "But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave. "True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives ..." ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What is red and full of feathers? A: A fallen angel. ------------------------------------------------------------ A lady goes into a hardware store and asks for a hinge. The man at the counter gets one for her and asks "Do you want a screw for that hinge?". The lady says "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there!". ------------------------------------------------------------ There is a man in a casino gambling with lots of "borrowed" money and a fairy comes and sits on his shoulder. He's playing pontoon and gets dealt a seven. The fairy advises him to buy a card for 500 pounds. Naturally he doesn't trust the fairy, but he decides to buy one anyway. He gets a five giving him twelve. The fairy then advises him to buy another card for 500 pounds. This time he does and gets a three. "Buy another for 500 pounds," says the fairy. This time he gets a five so he's got twenty with four cards. The fairy tells him to buy another for 500 pounds. He thinks to himself that the fairy's been right so far, so he complies. He gets dealt an ace. The fairy falls off his shoulder crying, "You lucky bastard!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VIII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_south) OR (cate8.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) "The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my employer, not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary."  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:32:54 EST From: cate9.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX) Subject: Funky stuff - part 3 "Don't cry darling, Daddy had to drown the cat." "Yes I know, but he promised I could do it." ------------------------------------------------------------ Q. What is long, hard, and carries seamen? A. A submarine. ------------------------------------------------------------ As a little girl is coming out of school, a man pulls up in his car, winds down the window and says to her "I'll give you a sweet if you'll get in the car with me." The little girl says "No, I not getting in the car." The next day the man pulls up again, winds down the window and says "I'll give you two sweets if you'll get in the car with me." The little girl says "No, I not getting in the car." The third day the man pulls up and offers her a whole bag of sweets if she will get into the car. "No Dad", replies the girl, "There's no way I'm getting into the Lada!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Which is the odd one out - a baked bean, a soya bean or a vibrator? A: The baked bean - the other two are meat substitutes! ------------------------------------------------------------ There was a businessman, and he was feeling really crook, and he went to see the Doctor about it. The doctor says to him "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?" and the man replies "Well, actually, i only eat peas, i hate all other green foods". The doctor was quite shocked at this and says "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!". The guy says "But how long for, i mean i really like peas!" and the doctor replies "Forever, i'm afraid". The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realises that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says "Well, ashully, i'd love a cigarrette, cozi avint ad a smoke in four years, i gave it up". Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, i haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so i gave it up!" and the businessman says "Thas nuvving, i haven't ad a pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming "Ok, everyone who can't swim, grab a table...." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IX --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_south) OR (cate9.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:33:01 EST From: cate0.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 4 One day, Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the watertrap. But just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down to the water, and eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off, and when it is over the green, a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and hits the eagle. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop screwing around, we won't bring you next time." ------------------------------------------------------------ Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prarie one day. The Lone Ranger, says to Tonto: "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess." Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger "Buffalo come." the Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do you know?", Tonto says, "Ear sticky." ------------------------------------------------------------ Gladstone: "You will either be shot for treason, or die of a grievous disease!" Disraeli: "That depends, sir, on whether I embrace your morals or your mistress!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What's the oldest airline company? A: FINNAIR: when Jesus went to heaven, He didn't ascend on a cloud, He just vanished in FINNAIR. ------------------------------------------------------------ A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he was stood in a big long queue with a rather expensive suit on - hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him. As the Pope made his way slowly down the queue, he walked right passed the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a tramp, leaned over and whispered something in the tramp's ear, and made his way on again. This pisses-off the American and so agrees to pay 1000 dollars to the tramp in exchange for his suit, in the hope that the Pope will speak to him the next day. The next morning the American is stood in the queue, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American, and when he finally reached him, leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his hear, saying: "I thought I told you to fuck off." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped) --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_south) OR (cate0.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:33:12 EST From: cate8.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 5 Man walks into a Moscow Lada dealership and signs up for a Lada. Customer: When will it be delivered? Dealer: 1996. Customer: What month? Dealer (after looking up book): April. Customer: What day? Dealer (after looking up book): 12th. Customer: What time? Dealer (now getting pissed off): What time?! It's in 6 years time and you ask what time. Why? Customer: I've got a plumber coming in the morning. ------------------------------------------------------------ A student walks into a car showroom and after a long talk with a salesman, he picks the car he wants to buy. ``Do you have the cash to pay for it, Sir, or will you be making a hire purchase agreement?'' ``I'll buy it on HP, thanks.'' So the student dictates his details to the salesman, who fills in the HP application. Then, to the salesman's astonishment, he signs at the bottom of the form with a big cross and a little cross. ``What are these crosses?'' ``Well, the big cross is my name and the little cross is `BSc Agriculture'.'' ------------------------------------------------------------ One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?" "I got into a fight with the apartment manager." "Whatever for?" "He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!" "Hmmm. I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor." ------------------------------------------------------------ It was in africa, and a camera crew has been assigned to get coverage of the World Famous Gorilla Wrestler at work. The camera crew is in the truck with him and his dog, and they come across a small tree. The guy says to them, "Just wait here, i'll be right back". He climbs the tree, wrestles with the gorilla for a while, then throws it to the ground. Quick as a flash, the man's dog jumps on the poor animal, and has sex with it until it faints. The man throws it in the back of the van, and the get to a medium sized tree, with a medium sized gorilla, and the same thing happens. Then they're driving along, and there is a huge tree with an absolutely massive gorilla in it, and the man hands the camera-man a gun. "What's this for?" the camera man asks. "Well, there's a small chance that i might lose the battle here, and if i do... Shoot the dog..." ------------------------------------------------------------ It's Good Friday and Jesus is getting crucified on top of the hill. Down at the bottom are Peter, Mary, and the rest of his gang. Suddenly Jesus moans: "Peter, Peter...". Peter runs up to the top of the hill (pant, pant) saying, "Yes Lord, what is it Lord?". Just as he reaches the top, a roman soldier lashes out and chops his right arm off, then kicks him all the way back to the bottom. After several minutes, Jesus moans again: "Peter... Peter...". Peter quickly runs up the hill, saying "Yes Lord, what's the matter Lord?", "Peter... Peter... I can see your house from here... " ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VIII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_west) OR (cate8.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. -- Wilcox  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:33:20 EST From: cate0.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 6 As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their love making, in spite of his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" The driver shouted at them. "You could have been killed." The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was coming and you were coming," He panted, "And you were the only one with brakes." ------------------------------------------------------------ Two boys arguing on the sidewalk: My dad's smarter than your dad! NO HE'S NOT! My dad's stronger than your dad! NO HE'S NOT! My mom's better than your mom! Well, you got me there. That's what my dad says too. ------------------------------------------------------------ A cowboy rides into town, hitches up his horse and walks into a bar. He goes up, gets a beer, drinks it, and walks out. Half a second passes and he bursts back into the bar and says "ALRIGHT WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHERS PAINTED MY HORSE'S FACE YELLOW?". A huge man-mountain stands up, looks down at the cowboy and says "I DID". The cowboy looks up at him and whispers "The first coat's dry" ------------------------------------------------------------ The same cowboy rides into another town, goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks into the bar, and fires his gun through the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yells. No-one answers. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS". He gets another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back, so he get's on it and makes to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks "Say partner, what happened in Texas?". The cowboy turns to him and says "I had to bloody walk home..." ------------------------------------------------------------ You Know When It's Going To Be A Bad Day When --------------------------------------------- You put your bra on backwards and it fits better..................... You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold............. You get to work and find a 60 minutes news team waiting in your office.. You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of ................................................................the city. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind thirty-two hell's angels.. Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a ..............................................grapefruit down the toilet. You realized that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead ............................................................of deodorant. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture................ Your husband says "good morning Mary"..........and your name is Sharon. You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight ....and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch. Your doctor tells you you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies. You have to borrow from you mastercard to pay your visa......... Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents. You compliment the boss'es wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't .............................................................wearing any. People think you are 40............................and you really are. You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar ................................................................is yours. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped) --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_west) OR (cate0.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) Personally, should I ever form a globe spanning conglomerate, I intend to do it fairly and without malice or dirty politics. I hope you fellows don't make that too difficult a task; I would have to have you all killed. -- David Neal (abbadon@nuchat.uucp)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:33:30 EST From: cate9.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX) Subject: Funky stuff - part 7 My favorite exam mistake is: The Hydra moves by swinging its testicles ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How does a blind parachutist know when he is about to land? A: The lead goes slack! ------------------------------------------------------------ While critiquing a survey instrument intended for mothers of infants less than one year old, I came across the following question: Have you ever breast fed your baby? a) Yes b) No c) Don't Know ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Why are Mexican steering wheels so small? A: Handcuffs only stretch so far. ------------------------------------------------------------ Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IX --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_west) OR (cate9.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) The reason computer chips are so small is that computers don't eat much.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:34:23 EST From: cate0.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 8 Did you know that 4 out of 10 accidents are caused by drunk drivers? Therefore you have less chance of getting into an accident if you're driving drunk then if driving sober. ------------------------------------------------------------ A traveling salesman got an audience with the pope. He said: "Hey father have you heard the joke about the two Polacks who______." "My son," said the pope, I'm Polish!" The salesman thought for a minute, then said: "Okay, I'll tell it very slowly..." ------------------------------------------------------------ Three guys walked slowly, enjoying the nice weather, on a huge glacier. Then suddenly one of the guys fell into a deep hole in the ice. "We're gonna get some help!" one of the others said. Then the two men walked away to find help. After several miles, they met the Red Cross, and they agried to save their comrad. Eventually they found him, and shouted down: "Hey! This is the Red Cross!" And he replied: "I am already a supporter, thank you!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Kentucky Fried Chicken publicity department comes up with a new way to promote sales. Change the words of the Lord's prayer to read: "Give us each day our daily CHICKEN..." They arrange an audience with the pope to propose the change. Naturally the pope is luke-warm to the idea, so to sweeten the deal the Kentucky Fried representative offers to make a large contribution to the catholic church. The pope once again considers the proposal and rejects it. The Kentucky Fried rep now proposes to feed the starving millions and make an even larger contribution to the church. Now the pope is interested but that he must get the approval of the Vatican council first. So at the next meeting of the bishops the pope starts off the meeting: "I have some good news, and some bad news." "The bad news is that we will be losing the Wonder Bread account....." ------------------------------------------------------------ Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fuzz was whooping it up in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance ap- proached him and suggested that they have a drink. Dudley said, "Well, I'm no John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy." After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance. Dudley smiled and said, "I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl." Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. "I'm no Cary Grant," replied Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there." They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway. Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?" Dudley shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped) --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_east) OR (cate0.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) "Engineering induction: if it works for n = 1, 2, and 3, that's good enough for me". -- Ric Hehner  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:34:27 EST From: cate5.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 9 Cheer Up... Here's Your Horrorscope AQUARIUS: January 20 - February 18 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, which causes you to make the same mistake over and over again. People think you are stupid. PISCES: February 19 - March 20 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have a minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting it at peers. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do horrible things to small animals. ARIES: March 21 - April 19 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. TAURUS: April 20 - May 20 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are a communist. GEMINI: May 21 - June 20 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest. CANCER June 21 - July 22 You are sympathetic and understanding toward other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You're always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancers. LEO: July 23 - August 22 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are known thieves. VIRGO: August 23 - September 22 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. LIBRA: September 23 - October 22 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women make good prostitutes. All Libra die of veneral disease. SCORPIO: October 23 - November 21 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios are murdered. SAGITARIUS: November 22 - December 21 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendancy to rely on luck, since you lack talent. The majority of Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal. CAPRICORN: December 23 - January 19 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been born a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long, as they tend to root. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How do you blind a Chinese person? A: Put a windshield in front of him. ------------------------------------------------------------ A businessman called home, at noon one day, but the maid answered. When the man asked to speak to his wife, the maid replied, "She's upstairs in the bedroom entertaining her boyfriend". After sputtering and fuming for a minute, the businessman asked, the maid if she would like to make $100,000 for a few minutes work, she said. "Of course, what do I have to do?", He answered, "Take my shotgun from the closet and shoot the both of them.", The phone was put down, he heard footsteps proceeding upstairs, then two shots rang out, followed by footsteps back downstairs to the phone. The maid said, "Okay, it's done. What shall I do with the bodies?" The man said, "Take them out back and throw them into the pool", The maid responded, "What pool?" After a moment of silence, he said, "Isn't this 555-3724?" ------------------------------------------------------------ There were two young brothers talking in their backyard waiting for their mother to make them lunch. One is four the other is three. 4: "I'm getting pretty old now, I think I can start cussing." 3: "Oh yeah?" 4: "Yeah, I think I am going to start saying 'damn' whenever I feel like it." 3: "You know what?" 4: "What?" 3: "I think I am getting pretty old, I'm going to start cussing too." 4: "Oh yeah? what are you going to say?" 3: "I'm going to say 'ass'" Then their mother calls them in for lunch. The mother asks the four year old: "What do you want for lunch?" 4: "Oh, damn, I think I'll have some spaghetti-o's" At this point, the mother was aghast. She quickly took the four year old by the ear to the bathroom, washed his mouth out with soap, spanked him and put him in his room and slammed the door. She returned to the kitchen and asked the three year old: "What do you want for lunch?" 3: "I don't know mom, but you can bet your ass it wont be spaghetti-o's!!!' ------------------------------------------------------------ During his visit to the US pope John Paul II had a meeting with a senator. The senator asked the pope, "Your Holiness, how do you find our country?" The pope replied "I love it! It's a wonderful country! Friendly people, blessed with an abundance of natural resources..." and so on and so forth. The senator continued, "Is there anything about our country that you *don't* like? I am, after all a United States senator, and maybe I could change some things." The pope thought a while, and said "Now that you mention it, there are two things about your country that I do not like". The senator asked, "What are they? Maybe I can help." The pope answered, "The first thing I don't like about your country is the large number of Polish jokes told. They make my countrymen out to be a bunch of idiots!" The senator said, "I have a solution for that! When I get back to Washington, I'll get together with some of my Senate colleagues and we'll pass a bill, which I'm sure will become law, that will make it a Federal crime to tell a Polish joke, and anyone caught telling a Polish joke will be fined fifty dollars. How do you like that?" The pope replied "Great idea! I love it!" The senator asked "Now why don't you tell me the second thing you don't like about the US? Maybe I can do something about it as well." The pope answered "M & M's." The senator, a bit confused, asked "M & M's??? What's not to like about M & M's???" The Pope replied "They're hard to peel!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate V --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_east) OR (cate5.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) "Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong." -- Blair Houghton  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:34:39 EST From: cate5.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 10 Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other: "I've never come this way before." Other says: "Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles." ------------------------------------------------------------ A whole bunch of guys are hanging out in their usual bar after work one day when this very attractive woman walks in and sits down right in the midst of them. After about two minutes of amazed looks one of the men manages to ask the woman her name. "Don't you recognize me guys? It's me, Bernie. I had a sex change!" Well, the men are all amazed at how their old drinking buddy, Bernie, looks with all his new equipment. So they buy some more drinks and get to talking about old times with Bernie/Bernice. After a few hours, the conversation rolls around to the subject of Bernice's operation. So one of the guys says,"Tell me Bernice, what was the most painful thing about the operation? Was it when they cut your dick off?" Bernice says,"No. That was painful, but that wasn't the most painful thing." So another guy pipes up, "I'll bet I know! I'll bet the worst part was when they cut your balls off, right?" "No.", Bernice says, "That really hurt too, but that wasn't the worst part either." Finally, one of the men asks, "Well, just what was the worst, most painful part of the operation that turned you into a woman?" And Bernice replies, "When they cut my skull open and removed half my brain!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A slightly drunk man walked into a bar, went up to the bartender, and said, "I'll bet you $50 I can bite my right eye!" Noticing the man had had a few to drink, the bartender took him up on it. The drunk then proceded to pop out a glass eyeball, and bite it. The bartender paid, and the man left. The next day, the man returned, a little drunker than the previous day, and he said to the bartender, "I'll bet you $50 I can bite my left eye!" Knowing that the man couldn't have two glass eyes, the bartender again took him up on it. This time, the man pulled out his false teeth and 'bit' his eye. (Ouch!) The bartender paid up. The next day, the man came in stone drunk. He went to the bartender and said, "I'll give you a chance to get your money back. I'll bet you a hundred dollars that you can put a shot glass on the other end of the bar, and I can stand on this end (20 feet away) and piss in it, without getting a single drop outside the glass. The bartender just couldn't pass up the chance to get his $100 back, and the guy was very drunk, so he again took the drunk up on his bet. He put the shot glass on the other end of the bar, and the drunk simply pissed all over the bar. The bartender smiled and said, "You lost!" The drunk just smiled and gave him the hundred dollars. The bartender said, "You're not too unhappy about losing all your money. Why not?" The drunk exclaimed, "Because I just bet this guy at the table $2000 I could piss all over your bar, and you wouldn't care!" ------------------------------------------------------------ In the old days in Finland, all young men had to go through some rites of passage to show that they were REAL FINNISH MEN. The usual set consisted of three tests: 1) Empty a full bottle of vodka without pause, 2) Go out in the forest to kill a bear with bare hands, and 3) rape a woman. When Pekka had reached the age of the rites of passage, he had no trouble at all with the vodka. He disappeared into the forest, and came back three days later, with clothes torn and blood dripping from several wounds. Then he said: "Now where's the woman I have to kill?" ------------------------------------------------------------ The pope died. Like all good christians he went to heaven and knocked on the door. Peter opened. The pope said: "I'm the pope." Peter picked up the phone and rang Jesus. "I have someone here who says he's the pope, do you know him?" Jesus answered: "No, never heared of him, send him to hell." Peter told the pope. "That can't be true, ring God himself," the pope said. So Peter rang God and said: "Here's someone who says he's the pope, do you know him?" God answered: "No, never heard of him, send him to hell." And again Peter told the pope. "The last chance I have is the Holy Spirit," the pope said. Peter rang him and said: "I have someone here who says he's the pope, you know him?" "Yes," he said, "I know him. He's the one who told everyone I got Maria pregnant. Send him to hell". ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate V --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_south) OR (cate5.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) "Cache is, by definition, a compromise." -- Roy Smith, Public Health Research Institute "Yes, Cache is a compromise. Mainly to your wallet and the speed of light." -- Jim Hutchison (ucsd!celerity!hutch)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:35:07 EST From: cate9.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX) Subject: Funky stuff - part 11 A man in a Porsche 911 stops at a stoplight and a guy on a scooter pulls up next to him. The guy on the scooter leans over and takes an admiring look at the inside of the Porsche and tells the driver that he has a really hot car. Well, the light turned green so the driver of the Porsche decides to show off and peels out and leaves the guy on the scooter in the dust. Then, all of a sudden, he sees the scooter zip on past him. So, being a little cocky, the Porsche driver floors it again and blows past the guy on the scooter. A few seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him. So now he's a little irate as well as a little mifted that that scooter keeps passing him so he floors it until he is going over 100 mph. He thinks to himself that there would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but then looks in the rearview mirror and sees that scooter starting to catch up. He then decides to find out what that scooter really is and slams on his breaks. Then the scooter crashes into the Porsche. After the dust settled, the Porsche driver sees the scooter driver lying in the road and goes over to him and askes how he could go as fast as the Porsche on a little wimpy scooter... The dying man replied, "I can't really, but my suspenders were caught on your side mirror...." ------------------------------------------------------------ Many an American tourist around Windsor Castle have been heard asking: "Why did they build it so close to the airport?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How many ears does Mr. Spock have? A: 3. A Left Ear, a Right Ear, and a Final Front Ear! ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A: A dog that rips your leg off then runs for help. ------------------------------------------------------------ A brontosaurus is a salamander designed to Military Specifications. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IX --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_west) OR (cate9.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) In English, every word can be verbed.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:35:12 EST From: cate7.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 12 I found this blurb in the USAir Gift Catalog ("This catalog is yours to keep. Please take it with you!") recently. Quoted without permission: E. GOPHER-IT Prevent damage to garden and lawns from burrowing rodents with Gopher-It, the electronic stake that emits vibration and sound that's intensely annoying to underground rodents up to 100 feet in diameter. Requires 4 "D" batteries, not included. #26284 Gopher-It $49.95 (3.95) I suppose for rodents of greater than 100 feet in diameter you need the nuclear powered version. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What are the four words you don't want to hear while making love? A: "Honey, I'm home!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Seen on a T-shirt on a recent trip to Cancun, Mexico: HE'S DEAD JIM QUICK! YOU GRAB HIS TRICORDER! I'LL GRAB HIS WALLET! ------------------------------------------------------------ Overheard in a Hollywood bar, Actress 1: "At one time my breasts were insured for $2 million". Actress 2: "Did you get the money?". ------------------------------------------------------------ Little old lady at US immigration. OFFICIAL: Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or subversion? (Pause for thought) LITTLE OLD LADY: Violence, I think. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_south) OR (cate7.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:35:17 EST From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 13 "My wife just got pregnant... She took seriously what was poked at her in fun!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To prove to the armadillo that it could be done. ------------------------------------------------------------ "What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?" "I don't know, what?" "Popeye beat the shit out of him!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Stupid commercial. Sears says Kenmore appliances are found in one out of two homes in America. I wonder which two homes they took the survey at? ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Where did Prince Charles spend his honeymoon? A: Indiana. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) Justice: A decision in your favor.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:35:25 EST From: cate8.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 14 The crime problem is so bad in this city, the mayor's had to designate school-free drug zones. ------------------------------------------------------------ Someone had scrawled the following on a wall at a college somewhere: Is there intelligent life on Earth? A week or so later someone else tacked on: Yes, but we're only stopping to refuel. ------------------------------------------------------------ A guy was lost on the Mall by the Washington Monument. He stopped a policeman and asked, "What side is the State Dept. on?" The cop answered: "Ours, I hope." ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Why do computers manage to do things so quickly? Anonymous Secretary: They don't have to answer the phone. ------------------------------------------------------------ Sang froid is when you find your SO in bed with someone else, and you shoot them both in cold blood. Savoir faire is when you find your SO in bed with someone else, but you laugh because today is *your* turn with the hamster. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VIII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_west) OR (cate8.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) Real programmers measure their productivity in NSLOC: Negative Source Lines of Code: "Here boss, this yard of printout was the whole system last month. This inch of printout is the system today. Less to maintain, runs faster, and now it fits on a 90k Atari 800 floppy. Hand over that raise." -- David Phillip Oster -master of the ad hoc odd hack.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:35:31 EST From: cate8.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 15 Medical Terminology for the Layman ------------------------------------ Artery -- The study of fine paintings Barium -- What you do when CPR fails Cesarean Section -- A district in Rome Colic -- A sheep dog Coma -- A punctuation mark Congenital -- Friendly Dilate -- To live longer Fester -- Quicker G. I. Series -- Baseball games between teams of soldiers Grippe -- A suitcase Hangnail -- A coat hook Medical Staff -- A doctor's cane Minor Operation -- Coal digging Morbid -- A higher offer Nitrate -- Lower than the day rate Node -- Was aware of Organic -- Musical Outpatient -- A person who has fainted Post-operative -- A letter carrier Protein -- In favor of young people Secretion -- Hiding anything Serology -- Study of English knighthood Tablet -- A small table Tumor -- An extra pair Urine -- Opposite of you're out Varicose veins -- veins that are close together ------------------------------------------------------------ An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!" ------------------------------------------------------------ O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity. 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get. 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced. 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand. 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest. 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure. 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VIII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_south) OR (cate8.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) On the subject of C program indentation: "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." -- Blair P. Houghton  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:01 EST From: cate8.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 16 A piece of bacon and a sausage are in a frying pan being cooked. The sausage says ``It's hot in here, isn't it!'', and the bacon replies ``Wow! A talking sausage!''. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Why is it good to have Alzheimer's Disease? A: You can hide your own Easter Eggs! ------------------------------------------------------------ A guy walks into a bar and sits down on the barstool. "Hey, barthendther, gifth me a beeer." The bartender walks over with a tall cool one, "Here'sth your beeer." The other guy sits up straight, "Heey, you're imithating mee." "No, I talk thith way too." "Okay, I guesth itth okay." Later a big burly guy walks in and sits down at the other end of the bar. "Yo, ba-tender. Gimme a beer." The bartender responds, "One beer comin' up, man." The little guy gets ticked off and yells, "Heey, you were imithathing mee!!" The bartender comes over close and replies, "No, I wasth imithathing the other guy." ------------------------------------------------------------ A cucumber and a tomato meet in a saladbar. Cucumber: Gee, how come you look so red? Tomato: I saw the salad dressing. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What's black, has two legs, and flies? A: A bird. Q: What's black, has four legs and flies? A: Two pairs of trousers. Q: What's black, has four wheels and flies? A: A dustcart. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VIII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_south) OR (cate8.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. -- Wilcox  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:08 EST From: cate5.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 17 It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Eating a steak dinner in a nice restaurant near Sydney. The waiter approaches. Waitor: "How's your meat?" Me: : "Just fine." Waitor: "And how about the steak?" ------------------------------------------------------------ In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke amongst themselves, saying: "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh." And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said: "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof." And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying: "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying: "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very powerful." And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him: "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects." And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy. This is how Shit happens. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Why did the couple stop after three children? A: Because they read that every fourth child born is Chinese. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What's a definition of an orgy? A: A party where everyone comes. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate V --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_west) OR (cate5.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) "Life is a pinball machine. You bounce around for a while, and then you drain." -- Joe Bak  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:23 EST From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 18 "I saw a horrible accident on the way to the club tonight...Two taxicabs collided and 30 scotsmen were killed..." ------------------------------------------------------------ Man A: So how was your honeymoon? Man B: Very good until the morning after waking up, I forgot and said to my wife "You are wonderful, here is $100". Man A: It is not that bad, she might not know that you thought her as a hooker. Man B: I know, but my wife then gave me back $50 and said "Here is your change". ------------------------------------------------------------ Wife: (Seriously ill) Before I die, I want to tell you the truth. You know our 6 children ... the youngest son, he ... Husband: I know you want to say he is not my son, well that is ok, I can forgive you about that. Wife: No, he is your son, but the other 5 children are not. ------------------------------------------------------------ "Ahhhh, Sean," said Micheal McStain, "how'd ye be comin' by that glorious black eye, me lad?" Sean O'Malley shook his head and replied, "'Tis the damndest thing. I was over at Molly's house, dancin' with the lovely lass, when her father walked in." "An' old Master Callahan is thinkin' that dancin' is an evil thing, cured by a black eye, is that it?" "Na, na, Micheal. The old man's deaf, an' couldn't hear th' music." ------------------------------------------------------------ "Hello, Pan American Airlines?" said Big Mick Lonegan. "Could ye be tellin' me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?" The voice on the telephone said "I'll see sir, just a minute." "Ahh, 'tis fast. Thank ye," Mick said as he hung up. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know what's wrong."  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:25 EST From: cate5.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 19 Sean O'Malley, a plumber by profession, was called by a lady with an Emergency in Her Bathroom. Arriving at the scene, he turned off the water with a sigh, and replaced the faucet washer, ending the Emergency. The lady was nice-looking, and lonely to boot, so before long Sean was helping her to heat up the bedroom. About four-thirty, the telephone rang, and after she hung up, the lady told Sean: "That was my husband. He'll be home in about half an hour, but he'll be leaving on a business trip to Chicago this evening at seven. Why don't you come back at about seven-thirty, and we'll continue where we left off?" "Saints!" exclaimed Sean, aghast. "On me own time?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Paddy O'Shea got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish, and they took him to an upscale "Irish" pub. "Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is," he said, looking with delight into his glass. "Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a hole in it!" "Oi sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan. "Bin married to one fer fifteen year." ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Why was Jesus NOT born in Poland? A: God couldn't find 3 wise men! ------------------------------------------------------------ One day, a young priest in St. John's, Newfoundland, finds himself in the situation of having to hear confessions. He has never done this before, and so he is given a list of what to give out as penance. A woman comes into the confessional and begins: "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." The priest replies: "What is your sin, my child?" "I have told lies", she says. The priest consults his list and sees that the required penance is two Hail Mary's. "Anything else, my child?", he says. "Father, I've committed fellatio," she replies. The priest scans the list and panics because he cannot find fellatio! He sticks his head out of the door of the confessional and sees an alter boy passing by. "Quick, what does Father Brown give for fellatio?" he asks. The boy replies: "Ten dollar." ------------------------------------------------------------ Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean. The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life. A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it. Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot. "I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar." "QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger. "O.k.," said the other, "it was the male." The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man. "But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked. "Well," said the ranger, "I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate V --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_east) OR (cate5.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you that day.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:36 EST From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 20 Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb? A: It depends whether the switch is on or off. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q. What's the difference between yoghurt and Australia? A. Yoghurt has a real live culture. ------------------------------------------------------------ N Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles. Motorcycles' curves never sag. Motorcycles last longer. Motorcycles don't get pregnant. You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month. Motorcycles don't have parents. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong. You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up. You can share your Motorcycle with your friends. If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler. You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is _really_ worn. If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden. When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have. Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines. New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them. If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it. If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it. If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks. If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it. You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle. You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents. You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle. You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle. You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals. If you say bad things to your Motorcycle, you don't have to apoligize before you can ride it again. You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore. Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it. Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride. Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider. Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles. Motorcycles don't care if you are late. You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle. It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle. If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts. You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well. ------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Son, I am writing this slow, 'cause I know you can't read fast. There are a few things happening here at home. We don't live where we did when you left -- you're father read in the paper that most car accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because we moved into your cousins old house and they took the numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change their address. The new place has a washing machine! It's in a small room that also has a shower in it. The first day, I put four shirts in. I pressed the lever and I haven't seen them since. The weather is nice here. It rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. Remember that coat you wanted me to send you? Well, your aunt said that it would be too heavy to send in the mail, so we cut the buttons off and put them in the pocket. Monday we got a bill from the funeral home. It said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral ... up she comes ... Your father has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He's cutting grass at the cemetery. Your brother's wife had a baby this morning. We don't know whether it's a boy or a girl, so we don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. Your uncle fell in the whiskey vat and drowned. We cremated him. He burned for 3 days. Last week 3 of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup truck. One was driving and the other two were riding in the back. The driver rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much else. Write more often. Love, Mom P.S. -- We would have sent money, but the envelope was already sealed. ------------------------------------------------------------ On the wall of the women's restroom in the Enterprise: "Where no man has gone before." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) "Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance, and bragged about forever." -- button at the Boston Computer Museum  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:40 EST From: cate0.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 21 Question on an application form for a newspaper: 5. You have the choice of saving a drowning man or getting a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph. What type of film would you use? ------------------------------------------------------------ There was a wealthy Jewish (non-Christian) who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company. He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project. So the father placed his son in charge of the new advertising campaign. He told him that he would have no supervision and that any and all resources which he needed would be placed at his disposal. The son was elated and immediately set off to make his father proud. Four weeks later the son proudly proclaimed, "I have finished!" and he and his father went out to examine the first product of the new campaign: a billboard. As they drove to the sight, the son explained how he had been blocked until a sudden insight had leaped into his head. They turned the corner and to the father's horror the billboard portrayed Christ on a cross with the caption: "Even Then They Used Goldberg Nails." The father explained to the son that they couldn't portray Christ on a cross as it might offend their christian clients. Dejected, the son said that he would fix the problem and report back to his father. One week later the son again exclaimed that he was "finished," and took his father off to see the billboard. Sure enough, Christ was no longer on the cross; he was lying at the base of the cross and the caption read: "This Wouldn't Happen With Goldberg Nails" ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot? A: A carrot. ------------------------------------------------------------ A senior pilot was explaining his emergency equipment to some cadets touring a US Air Force base. He showed them his parachute, emergency radio, signal mirror and other survival items. A cadet noticed a pack of playing-cards and asked what they were for. "Oh," replied the pilot, "these are my last resort. If nothing else works and nobody comes to the rescue, I take these, lay out a game of patience and wait. In a few minutes someone will be looking over my shoulder saying, 'No - put that card over there.'" ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What's the difference between 2 Jehova's witnesses and a Lada? A: You can shut the door on 2 Jehova's witnesses. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped) --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_east) OR (cate0.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) -The word today is Legs ... Spread the word.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:44 EST From: cate9.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX) Subject: Funky stuff - part 22 "Kidnapped in Lebanon!! How many time have I heard THAT excuse!! Do you realize that all but 3 of your students have dropped your classes!?!" ------------------------------------------------------------ The way things are moving in Europe these days, it appears that very soon there will be just 8 countries in Europe. There will be one United Europe and seven independent Yugoslavian republics. ------------------------------------------------------------ There once was a little pink lady. She had a little pink house and a little pink dress and a little pink dog. This lady sold avon. One day the lady was walking down a street selling her avon when she came across a little red house. She pressed the doorbell. In this little red house lived a little red man. He was having a bath in his little red bathtub when he heard his little red doorbell ring. "There goes my doorbell!" he said to himself as he clambered out of his little red bath. He grabbed a little red towel and put it around his waist and walked down his little red stairs to his little red door. But, when he opened the door, his little red towel slipped and fell off. The little pink lady screamed and ran out across the street. A car coming down the road hit her and she died. Moral: Never cross the street when the little red man is flashing. ------------------------------------------------------------ A woman is zipping along the road at a very quick pace (i.e. > 55) and she's pulled over by a cop. As the cop gets out of his car the woman "gets set" for her encounter by unbuttoning her blouse a bit, fixing her hair etc. When the officer gets to her car she says "I know officer, you want me to buy a ticket to the policemen's ball". The cop answers "No ma'am I'm a state trooper. We have no balls." ------------------------------------------------------------ Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IX --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_east) OR (cate9.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) "Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance, and bragged about forever." -- button at the Boston Computer Museum  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:54 EST From: cate0.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 23 ABOUT AS ... HOPELESS as trying to pick up salt with a plunger INTERESTING as watching paint dry INTERESTING as watching grass grow OBVIOUS as a dog's dick POPULAR as Stevie Wonder with a flame thrower USELESS as a condom to a eunuch WELCOME as a turd in a swimming pool WELCOME as a pork sausage at a barmitzvah SHARP as a bowling ball ------------------------------------------------------------ He: "Your birthday is coming up, so i'd like some idea of what you'd like for your birthday." She: "I want a divorce!" Pause. He: "I'm really sorry, but I hadn't planned to spend that much." ------------------------------------------------------------ Why do LADA's have heated rear windscreens? To keep your hands warm when your pushing them. ------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call a LADA with a sun-roof? A skip. ------------------------------------------------------------ A LADA on a highway is suddenly stopping. Closely behind is there a JAGUAR, which crashes on it. And behind, a ROLLS-ROYCE, which crashes on the JAGUAR. The ROLLS-ROYCE driver steps out of his car, and complains: ``You fool, my radiator grille is broken, it will cost me one day of income!'' Complains the JAGUAR driver: ``The front of my car is squeezed, it will cost me one month of salary!'' Says the LADA driver: ``My car is completely smashed, I will have to work one year pay myself a new one!'' Answers the ROLLS-ROYCE driver: ``Fancy anyone buying such an expensive car?'' ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped) --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_east) OR (cate0.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) Real programmers measure their productivity in NSLOC: Negative Source Lines of Code: "Here boss, this yard of printout was the whole system last month. This inch of printout is the system today. Less to maintain, runs faster, and now it fits on a 90k Atari 800 floppy. Hand over that raise." -- David Phillip Oster -master of the ad hoc odd hack.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:56 EST From: cate5.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 24 What is the difference between LADA and AIDS? You can still palm AIDS off to someone else. ------------------------------------------------------------ How can you double the worth of a LADA ? By filling its gasoline tank. ------------------------------------------------------------ Why is a LADA so handy during the Finnish winter ? You don't need safety belts - you freeze tightly to the seat. ------------------------------------------------------------ Why do they give away free TVs with Ladas? So you've got something to do while waiting for the mechanic to come and fix it. ------------------------------------------------------------ What is the smallest part in LADA ? The owners brain. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate V --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_west) OR (cate5.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) It's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop (seen on a wall in Down by law)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:36:59 EST From: cate5.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 25 What do you call a LADA with a turbo? A Skoda. ------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call someone who buys a secondhand Lada? A scrap dealer. ------------------------------------------------------------ What does a Lada buyer do to look sophisticated? Wear dark glasses. But how do you tell the Lada buyer from all the other people with dark glasses? He's the one with the white stick.. ------------------------------------------------------------ What is 200 metres long and eats cabbage? A Polish meat queue. ------------------------------------------------------------ Two Polish peasants are loitering by the side of the road one day when a tourist pulls up in his car. He winds down the window and asks: "Do you speak English?". The peasants both shrug their shoulders. The tourist then tries "Parlez vous Francais?". Again the peasants plainly don't understand. The tourist then shows off his skill by trying German, Russian, Italian, and Spanish, but each time to no avail. Finally he drives off in disgust. One peasant comments (in Polish): "It must be wonderful to be able to speak so many languages." But the other retorts: "Pah! Look how far it got him!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate V --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_east) OR (cate5.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) My favorite palindrome: Opening the door slowly, he saw three people elpo epeerht was ehylwol sroode htgninepo. -- Ken Johnson  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:37:03 EST From: cate8.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 26 English Tourist: Hello. Do you farm around here? Cornish Farmer: Aye. English Tourist: Fantastic day isn't it? Cornish Farmer: Aye. English Tourist: Have you lived here all of your life? Cornish Farmer: Not yet. ------------------------------------------------------------ An English tourist is on holiday in a Cornish village when he spots what is obviously the village idiot sitting next to the horse trough. In his hand is an old stick, and tied to the end is a piece of string which is dangling in the water. The tourist decides to humour the fellow and asks: "Have you caught anything yet?" The village idiot looks up and studies the stranger, before saying: "Aye, you be the seventh today." ------------------------------------------------------------ A man walks into a pub with a giraffe on a lead. "I'll have a pint of guiness" says the man "and ten pints for the giraffe". The man then starts to down his pint in one go. The giraffe seeing this starts banging down the ten pints like there was no tomorrow. The race is on, the man gets half way down and the Giraffes only on number four, Then with an amazing burst of speed the giraffe just manages to scrape ahead.But on pint number ten the giraffe gets half way then collapses dead on the bar. The man promptly finishes his pint and starts to leave. "Hey," says the barman "you can't leave that lyin' there!!" Says the man: "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe." ------------------------------------------------------------ There are two kinds of persons: The one that divide all people in two parts, and then the other that don't. ------------------------------------------------------------ Seen in U.S.S.R: "The last person to leave the country is asked to turn the ligths off". ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VIII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_south) OR (cate8.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) "Cache is, by definition, a compromise." -- Roy Smith, Public Health Research Institute "Yes, Cache is a compromise. Mainly to your wallet and the speed of light." -- Jim Hutchison (ucsd!celerity!hutch)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:37:05 EST From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 27 Wanna be realy stoned? Drink wet cement. ------------------------------------------------------------ If the human brain would be so simple that we could understand it, then we would be so dumb that we would not understand it!!! ------------------------------------------------------------ I bet I can quit gambling. ------------------------------------------------------------ 8 of each 10 use ball-points to write with. What do the other two do with ball-points??? ------------------------------------------------------------ Keep death off the roads. Drive on the pavement. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) -You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:37:09 EST From: cate7.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 28 Advertisement from British Airways: "Breakfast in London, Lunch in New-York and luggage in Berlin" ------------------------------------------------------------ Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are. Tell me your address and I will tell you where you live. ------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. ------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Still no idea! ------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_south) OR (cate7.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) Be careful of reading health books; you might die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:37:11 EST From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 29 What's pink and hard in the morning? The financial times crossword. ------------------------------------------------------------ What's pink, wrinkled and hangs out your trousers? Your gran. ------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call three people in wheelchairs on top of each other? A vegetable rack. ------------------------------------------------------------ What's blue and sits in the corner? A baby in a plastic bag. ------------------------------------------------------------ Paddy heard that a fortune could be made by working as a lumberjack in Canada. So, off he goes. After some weeks, he arrives at a lumberjack-camp and asks the foreman for a job. Foreman: "Okay sonny, but you'll have to do a test first. If you can chop down 100 trees tomorrow you're hired". So, next day, Paddy gets his chainsaw and happily saws away all day. When trees are counted Paddy only has 98..... "Oh well" says the foreman, "You'll get another chance tomorrow." So, next day, same story, 99 trees. "I don't believe this" says the foreman, "A big strong fella like yourself should be able to cut down 200 trees in a day. You know what? You get one more chance, and I'll join you to show you the trick of it". So, next day, Paddy and the foreman go into the forest. Upon arrival at a nice open spot the foreman puts the chainsaw on the ground, and starts the engine. Says Paddy: "Holy Jezus! Where's the noise coming from?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) "Why do trans-atlantic transfers take so long?" "Electrons don't swim very fast." -john@minster.york.ac.uk and whh@PacBell.COM  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:37:30 EST From: cate0.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 30 How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he's ironing. ------------------------------------------------------------ Johnny and Jim are walking through the desert. Suddenly, a snake bites Jim's prick! AAIIIIIII!! He panics, and John panics. What can we do? We should call for a doctor. WHAMMM ! Suddenly, in the middle of the desert, there's a telephone box. Johnny goes in, calls a doctor. RING, RING. RING, RING. J: My friend is bitten by a snake. What to do? D: What kind of snake? J: A one meter, green-yellow one. D: Aye, aye. J: ? D: Those are very dangerous. J: What can we do? D: The only thing you can do, is to suck the poison out. Otherwise your friend will be dead within half an hour. Johnny hangs up, goes out off the telephone box. Jim, pale looking already, asks what the doctor said. Johnny: You'll be dead within half an hour. ------------------------------------------------------------ The Pope is on his 1988 tour of America, in the middle of his 3 day bash in New York. On the second day, he is driving back to his motel after a heavy days bible bashing. It suddenly occurs to him that he is a little peckish and so he decides to go for something to eat. Out of the corner of his eye he notices 'Mel's Diner' and immediately pulls over. He hops out, kisses the ground a couple of times and then goes in and sits down. A sleazy waitress wanders over, notices who he is and then straightens herself up. "Yes you Holiness, what would you like?" The Pope thought for a while. "Well daughter, I have this terrible craving for a nice steak." "Sure Mac, er I mean of course your Holiness. Would you like it well done, medium or rare?" "Oh. I think I'd like a very rare one please." The waitress raised her arm. "One bloody steak, Mel!" she shouted. The Pope was horrified. "Oh no my daughter, you musn't swear. There is no call for it!" "But you don't understand, father, bloody describes how you will get the steak. Very rare." The Pope smiled. "I understand. How stupid of me." A little later, the Pope's steak arrived and he got stuck in. It was gorgeous and he went to bed that night feeling satiated. The next day, the Pope had had an even bigger God-squading session and was helped by 31 of his cardinals. Afterwards, he called his cardinals together. "Right Lads, as you've done a really good job today, I'll treat you to a bit of nosh at this place I know. You'll like it I'm sure". So the Pope took his cardinals to the diner and sat down. He called to the waitress. "Can I have 32 bloody steaks please!" Immediately one of the cardinals slapped his knee... "Hey yeah! And plenty of fucking chips okay? " ------------------------------------------------------------ How many South African policemen does it take to break an egg? None. It fell down the stairs. ------------------------------------------------------------ A young mother had just given birth to a new born baby, the nurse was just congratulating her, when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand. The mother looked startled. The doctor then said "Here catch." And promptly tossed the baby to the mother, but it landed on the window ledge and fell out the window. The lady shrieked and said, "You bastard, you've killed my baby!" The doctor replied: "April Fool, it was dead already!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped) --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_west) OR (cate0.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) "The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my employer, not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary."  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:37:34 EST From: cate8.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 31 How many Yorkshiremen does it take to do the washing up? None, it's women's work! ------------------------------------------------------------ What is green and turns red at the flick of a switch? A frog in a liquidiser! ------------------------------------------------------------ What is brown and taps on the window? A baby in a microwave. ------------------------------------------------------------ What is red and sits in the corner? A baby chewing razor blades. ------------------------------------------------------------ Three men, two Americans and an , are standing at the top of Empire State Building. It is quite windy and one of the Americans say: "I bet the wind is so strong that if I threw myself from the building, the wind would stop me halfway down and it would carry me all the way back up here." "Yeah, whatever." says the . The American throws himself from the building, and sure enough, when he is halfway down he is stopped by an updraft and it carries him all the way back to the top. "Hey, wow!" shouts the and jumps. He is smashed to pulp against the pavement. Says the other American: "You're a bastard, Superman." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VIII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_east) OR (cate8.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) "Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong." -- Blair Houghton  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:37:42 EST From: cate0.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 32 mors certa, hora incerta - dead certain, my clock is wrong ------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call a day that follows 2 days of rain ? Monday. ------------------------------------------------------------ Three cars collide. They get out. First man: "I'm sorry." First Lady: "I'm sorry, too." Last driver: "I'm sorry three." ------------------------------------------------------------ Why does a duck have flat feet? To stamp out fire in the woods. Why does an elephant have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks. ------------------------------------------------------------ South Africa has just been achieving the biggest computer in the world, and after programming it using the most powerful AI techniques they could find, is now able to predict the future. The computer is plugged in, and starts humming. The prime minister then asks it the most important question for the future of South Africa: "In twelve years from now, will the power in South Africa be held by white people or by black people?" Computer: "In year 2000 the government in South Africa will be............. .......(After 15 minutes of computing...) WHITE!" Everybody breathes, and starts drinking champagne. Nobody cares any longer about the machine. Then the finance minister comes and asks: "What will be the price of one kilogramme of bread in the year 2000?" Computer: "The price of one kilogramme of bread in the year 2000 will be... ........................................................................... ........................................................................... ........................................................................... ........................................................................... .............(30 minutes of computing)..................................... ........................................................................... ........................................................................... three roubles. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped) --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_south) OR (cate0.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) "The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my employer, not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary."  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:37:49 EST From: cate4.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 33 A young man of upper class took a walk in Soho on a very windy day. As he passed a young woman, the wind caught her skirt and lifted it above her head. The young man: Oh, it's airy, isn't it? The young woman: Yeah, what the 'ell did you expect? Feathers? ------------------------------------------------------------ World War III. The U.S.A. have succeeded in building a fantastic computer that is able to solve any strategical or tactical problem. The military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine. They describe the situation to the computer and then ask it: "Shall we attack? Shall we retreat?" The computer computes for an hour and then comes up with the answer. "Yes!" The generals, rather stupefied, look at each other. Finally one of them asks the computer: "Yes, what?" After another fifteen minutes the computer replies: "Yes, Sir!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A lawyer has died and gone to heaven. (This is not the real joke!) When he gets at the gate to heaven, he sees St. Peter and starts to complain: "Why have I died? I'm only 39, I could easily have lived to be 80!" St. Peter replies: "According to the number of hours you charged your clients you ARE 80....." ------------------------------------------------------------ Once upon a time there was this beautiful woman who was going to be married to this handsome very rich nobleman. So they get married and she moves into his big castle, compared to which Camelot is but a pigsty: hundreds of rooms it has got, over a hundred servants and an enormous garden extending in woods in which one could easily get lost forever, still not having left the property. The nobleman and his wife are having a real good time at the estate, there's fine weather, everyone's nice, business is going well. Indeed business is ok: the nobleman has to be abroad a lot, so the woman decides to explore the enormous castle. Strange rooms she discovers, with lots of antiquities revealing the glorious past of the castle; now she's to be found at the attics, then again she's traversing the cellars, and after a few months she's almost completed her exploration - to find what appears to be some secret room... Its door is securely locked, and no matter where she looks: the key is not to be found. So immediately after her husband returns from one of his voyages, she tells him how she has explored every part of the castle, save that little room. Just when she wants to ask if he knows where the key might be, he gravely responds that she's not to go into that very room lest a great danger befall her... No matter how she begs, he won't tell her what's to be found in that malefic room... Years go by and she's put the whole question aside, but then again the eagerness to know is becoming unbearable... Finally she's made up her mind to search once again for the key... Patiently she waits for him to go on his next voyage, and immediately after he's left she goes to the Dark Room. She's searched for the key for hours until suddenly: behold, it was hidden behind a secret panel! A hollow sound revealed it, when she was tapping the wood. With shaking hands she takes the key and puts it into the lock. She turns the key once..., twice..., thrice and click, the lock is open... The door opens creakily. She's looking into a hostile dark nothingness. Did she hear something? Trembling she goes inside..., step by step..., until suddenly: AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHH!!!!!! You know what happened? No? Well, neither do I, but I'll let you know when I've found out. ------------------------------------------------------------ A guy dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him warmly at the gates of Hell, and they enter a long coridor. As they walk along, the Devil explains, " Now that you're in Hell, you must choose the manner in which you must spend all eternity. I will show you some rooms and you must choose one." They get to the first room. The door opens, and the man peers in. An endless circle of the damned with weights strapped to their backs walk around barefoot on hot coals. "Oh, I don't think I like that" said the man. They continue to the second room. In the second room, the damned walk around, listening to elevator muzak, walking on broken glass. "Oh, I don't think I could stand that" said the man. In the last room, the man was surprised to find the damned standing around up to their armpits in sh*t, drinking cofee. "That doesn't look so bad!" said the man. "I'll stay here for eternity." "Very well," said the Devil, closing the door behind him. "Hmm... this isn't so bad" thought the man, as a Demon gave him a cup of coffee. Suddenly, the room supervisor called out on his megaphone... " ALRIGHT EVERYBODY, COFFEE BREAK'S OVER! BACK ON YOUR HEADS! " ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_east) OR (cate4.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) Justice: A decision in your favor.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:37:59 EST From: cate7.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 34 What do you call a LADA with a flat tyre ? A write-off. ------------------------------------------------------------ Man walks into a service station and asks the mechanic: "Do you have a windscreen wiper for a LADA?" The mechanic scratches his head, thinks for a bit and replies: "Well, it seems to be a reasonable swap - yes I do." ------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call a LADA with twin exhausts ? A wheelbarrow. ------------------------------------------------------------ The Pope goes on a visit to S. Africa, and he is travelling along, in his Popemobile, by the side of a large river. Soon, he catches sight of a black man in the river, struggling and screaming as he tries vainly to fight off a huge crocodile. The Pope realises that there is nothing he can do, when suddenly two white men leap into the water, drag the man and the croc to land, and then beat the crocodile to death with sticks. The Pope is really impressed by this. He goes over to where the two men are standing next to the bleeding and unconscious black man and says, "Congratulations. That was the most wonderful thing to do, and I can see that it is men like you who will rebuild this country as an example of racial harmony." The Pope goes on his way. One of the white men says "Who was that?", and the other replies "That was the Pope, he is in direct communication with God. He knows everything." The first man says "Maybe, but he knew no f*ck at all about Crocodile fishing!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A bright, well-behaved little boy lived with his parents and grandparents in suburbia. One evening, the boy's father passed outside his bedroom and was pleased to hear him kneeling beside his bed saying his prayers. He finished off with: God bless mummy God bless daddy God bless grandma Ta ta grandpa The father thought this form of prayer a little strange, but was so pleased that his son was praying of his own accord, that he thought nothing more of it. Until, that is, he woke up to find that grandpa had passed away with a stroke during the night. A few weeks later, he again overheard his son's prayers: God bless mummy God bless daddy Ta ta grandma Sure enough, the next morning we find that the little boy's grandmother had had a heart attack in the middle of the night and passed away peacefully. Our father was baffled by this turn of events. Was he the father of a strangely talented and gifted son? What could this lead to - fame, fortune ... who knows! Our principle eavesdropper decided to listen in on all his sons prayers from that night on, to see what other mystical secrets might be revealed. But our hero was not to be so well rewarded. There was nothing in his son's prayers in the least unusual for several weeks. Then one night, he overheard him say: God bless mummy Ta ta daddy Our hero was stricken with grief! What had he done to deserve such a short life! His parents had been old and withered; but he was still in the prime of life! So great was his turmoil, that he didn't get a wink of sleep all night. He got up in the morning expecting disaster to strike at any time. He drove extra carefully to work that morning, and stayed in his office all day. On his return home, he poured out his worries to his wife. He'd had an awful day, greifstricken, worried, and just wanted to get it over with. But his wife had no time for him. "You think YOU'VE had a bad day. I've been waiting for you to get back to help me out. I've had a terrible day today. I got up this morning and opened the front door to find the milkman lying dead on the porch...." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_south) OR (cate7.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:38:05 EST From: cate7.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 35 25 GOOD REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN 1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG. 2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT. 3. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER. 4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE YOU PLAY FOOTBALL. 5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT. 6. BEER IS NEVER LATE. 7. A BEER DOESN'T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER. 8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY. 9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT. 10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER. 11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE. 12. AFTER YOU'VE HAD A BEER, THE BOTTLE IS STILL WORTH 5 CENTS. 13. A BEER WON'T GET UPSET IT YOU COME HOME AND HAVE ANOTHER BEER. 14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD. 15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY. 16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY. 17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS. 18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER. 19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET. 20. BEER DOESN'T DEMAND EQUALITY. 21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC. 22. A BEER DOESN'T CARE WHEN YOU COME. 23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER. 24. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD. 25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY. ------------------------------------------------------------ Ethnic A visits the hospital. "I want to be castrated!" he demands cheerfully. "Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed it with your wife?" "Yes, yes! I've thought about this for a long time. Let's get it over with!" So, the operation is performed. Since it's relatively simple, ethnic A does only have to stay for two days in the hospital. On his way home, he meets another ethnic. "Well, hello A! I haven't seen you for a couple of days." ethnic B says, as they shake hands. "No, I've been to the hospital." "Well, that's funny. I'm on my way there right now!" "Really? So, what's up?" "I'm going to be vaccinated." "Oh, shit! That's what it's called!" ------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call a blind dinosaur ? Imsureheneversaurus. What do you call a sheep with no legs ? A cloud. ------------------------------------------------------------ Mistress: something between master and mattress. ------------------------------------------------------------ Housewife: a gadget you screw on the bed. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_south) OR (cate7.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) Confidence: The feeling you have before you understand the situation.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:38:11 EST From: cate5.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 36 Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat: sooner or later, you get pissed off. ------------------------------------------------------------ A man took his dog into a pub, bought a pint and settled down to watch the football on the TV set above the bar. As luck would have it, it was a Fulham home game. After a one-sided match Fulham lost, and the dog said, quite clearly, `Oh, no -- not again!' The barman, startled, walked over to the owner and said `Did your dog just say ``Oh, no -- not again''?' `Yes', replied the owner blandly, `he always says that when Fulham lose.' `What does he say when Fulham win?' `Don't know. I've only had him five years.' Incidentally, during the match the police caught a Fulham fan climbing over the stadium wall. They were strict -- they made him go back in! ------------------------------------------------------------ A man is looking at a soccer game, in this case FEYENOORD - AJAX ; suddenly Feyenoord scores a goal, and the dog applauds. After a while Feyenoord scores again ( yes this is not a realistic joke ) and the dog applauds again. A man who sees this asks the dog's boss what the dog does when Ajax scores a goal. Owner : Well, he turns a backward OR forward summersault. Neighbour : When forward and when backwards? Owner : Well, it depends on where I kick him. ------------------------------------------------------------ What is black red black red black red black red black red black red white ? An negro masturbating. ------------------------------------------------------------ Snooker is a complete Tory game; first of all you get rid of all the reds; then you get rid of all the coloureds, and all you have left at the end is the white. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate V --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_east) OR (cate5.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) "It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very sharp, probably not someone here on campus." -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, quoted in "The Technique," Georgia Tech's newspaper, after the computer worm hit the Internet  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:38:16 EST From: cate7.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 37 A spaceship from the planet Zong lands in Farmborough. It is the middle of the night - the town is deserted (not that there's much happening in the daytime in Farmborough) as the aliens (who are rather petrol - pump - like in their appearance) descend from their ship. They wander around for a while until they come across a garage and what they percieve to be intelligent life - a petrol pump (an easy mistake to make in Farmborough anyway). The chief Zong greets the petrol pump. "Greetings; I am Zong, a Zong from the planet Zong. We have come in our spaceship, the Zong, to meet Earth people. Take me to your cliche" (sorry, I mean leader.) The Zong receives no reply, so he repeats his demand using shorter words (he has heard that this usually works in Farmborough). "Take me to your leader". The petrol pump, unsurprisingly, says nothing. By now, the short-tempered captain of the Zong is getting a bit annoyed at being ignored. He levels his ray gun at the petrol pump, much to the distress of his first mate, and demands, "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER, INSOLENT SCUM, OR I WILL BLOW YOU TO PIECES !" Of course, the petrol pump remains silent; his shipmates try to restrain him, but he fires. There is an almighty explosion as the petrol pump bursts into a huge ball of flames and the crew of the Zong are hurled hundreds of yards into the air. They land in a nearby field with a bump. "What the hell happened ?" shouted the Zong captain. "I tried to warn you", replied the first mate, "You just don't mess with a guy who can wrap his p**** around his waist and stick it in his ear." ------------------------------------------------------------ It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal mouth when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing ? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player ?" The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him - I was just trying to trip him up." ------------------------------------------------------------ What do anabolic steroids and Hurricane Gilbert have in common ? They make Jamaicans run like fuck. ------------------------------------------------------------ Flopsy Bunny had never been out to see the real world. One day he escaped from his parents' home... Bounce Bounce Bounce. He had been bouncing along when he came across a young snake. Flopsy Bunny had never seen a snake; the snake had never seen a bunny rabbit. Said the snake - Hello, you have lovely fluffy ears, a lovely little white tail and lovely brown fur; you must be a bunny rabbit. Said Flopsy Bunny - That's very good. Let me see. You have horrible scaly skin, nasty little slitty eyes and a horrible rasping voice. You must be Nikki Lauda. ------------------------------------------------------------ Two gynaecologists meet on a conference. As usual, they tell each other what cases they have had the past year. 1: Well, I have had a patient with breasts, just like melons. 2: Incredible, so big? 1: Yes 2: But I had a patient with a clitoris, just like a lemon. 1: Waaw, so big? 2: No, so sour ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_east) OR (cate7.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) THE TROUBLE WITH POLITICAL JOKES IS THEY GET ELECTED.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:38:22 EST From: cate4.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 38 I was driving through North Wales one day last summer, when I had the misfortune to run out of petrol right out in the sticks. It was about 5 miles to the nearest house, but when I got there the farmer who lived in it was very hospitable and offered to drive me back to my car with a can of petrol, as long as I stayed to have a bite to eat first. I accepted grate- fully, and upon entering the parlour I was amazed to see a pig with a wooden leg reclining in a rocking chair, reading the "Cwm Penmachno Evening Courier" and smoking a pipe. I asked the farmer about this, and he said, "Oh, that's a fine pig. One day my wife was just driving out of our gate onto the road when a bloody great lorry which she hadn't noticed - we tend to forget to look out for traffic up here, you know - came tearing along and smashed into the side of her car. The lorry driver was killed, and my wife was pinned into her seat. Some petrol was leaking out of her tank, and the pig here could see that there was a danger the car would go up in flames if he didn't do something pretty quickly. So he leapt over the fence, sprinted over to the car, wrenched the door off its hinges and pulled my wife away just in time to save her from a horrible death". "My goodness, that's certainly a very fine pig!" I ex- claimed. "Now I can understand why you treat him so well. But one thing is still puzzling me - tell me, how does he come to be wearing that wooden leg?" "Ah well", said the farmer, "when you've got a pig like that you don't want to eat him all at once". ------------------------------------------------------------ What's the difference between 'hard' and 'light'? You can go to sleep with a light on. ------------------------------------------------------------ There is this panda walking through a red light district when he sees a prostitute beckoning him. Feeling an urge he decides to go along with her and she leads him upstairs where they have sex. Half an hour later, he pulls up his boxer shorts and makes way for the door. "Oi, you, where do you think you are going ?" cries the prostitute. "You are supposed to pay me" "I don't pay for my sex " replies the panda, " ..and anyway where does it say that I am supposed to pay you anyway" The prostitute, hearing this, goes to a bookshelf and produces a dictionary. "'Ere, 'ave a look at this". The panda takes the dictionry, claws through ( pandas don't have thumbs ) comes to p.. pr.. "Here it is, prostitute, woman who gives sexual favours for money ..." "Aha , there it is" says the prostitute. "Take this and look up panda" says the panda returning the dictionary. The prostitute reads "Panda, small bear, eats shoots and leaves." ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: When is a door not a door? A: When it is ajar!! ------------------------------------------------------------ A city slicker drives through a little town, and stops at a gas station to fill up. Going into the station to pay he sees a man playing checkers with a dog. "Utterly fantastic", he gasps, "a dog who plays checkers. You could take him to the city and make piles of money with him." After his next move the man looks up and says , "Awh, he ain't so smart. I can beat him two out of three." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_east) OR (cate4.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) EMACS (Editor for Morons Attracted to Control Sequences) -- Jeffrey Kirk  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 16:38:30 EST From: cate6.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI) Subject: Funky stuff - part 39 Picture the scenario: it's first day back at school after the Summer Hols and all the little infants are fidgeting about with excitement etc... Teacher: Okay, kids, we'll begin the year by discussing what we did over the Summer Hols. Joey, what did you do? Joey: Well Miss, I had a wonderful time. Every morning I would go down to the beach and play in the sand... Teacher: Very good Joey, if you can spell "sand" I'll give you a Mars Bar. Joey: mmhhh... S-A-N-D Teacher: Very good Joey. Here's a Mars Bar. Sally, what did you do over the summer? Sally: Well Miss, I would go down to the beach and play in the sand too. Sometimes Joey and I would go for a paddle in the sea... Teacher: Lovely. If you can spell "sea" you can have a Mars Bar. Sally: S-E-A Teacher: Good Sally. Have a Mars Bar. Now, what about you Leroy. What did you get up to? Leroy: Well Miss, I also went down to the beach each morning, but none of the other kids would play with me 'cause my skin's a different colour... Teacher: Oh poor, poor Leroy, how dreadful. That's racial hatred for you. If you can spell "racial hatred" you can have a Mars Bar... ------------------------------------------------------------ A man walks into the chemist's: "Have you got cotton wool balls?" Assistant: "What do you think I am, a teddy bear?" ------------------------------------------------------------ A twin is born. Mother happy. Father happy. Mother: "Just look at them lovely babies..." Father takes one by the head, and the little neckie breaks. Doctor rushes in: "How could you DO that?" Father: "'t was easy: look!" ------------------------------------------------------------ An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars. The American says, "I can't belive you don't have cars here! How do you get to work?" The Russian replies, "We take bus." The American asks, "Well, how do you go on vacations?" The Russian replies, "We take train." The American asks, "Well, what if you want to go abroad?" The Russian replies, "We don't want go abroad." The American presses further and asks, "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?" The Russian replies, "We take tanks." ------------------------------------------------------------ A man from Farmborough goes into a pub with a pig under his arm. As he walks in, the barman spots him and exclaims, "Hell fire ! That's an ugly looking animal you've got there ! Where on Earth did you get it ?" "I won it in a raffle", says the pig. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VI --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_west) OR (cate6.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here. -- James Kirk  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:14:54 EST From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 41 Anyway, Amos is getting on in years and his family decides that he is just too much of a burden anymore. Time to put him in a retirement home. So they take him out to Sunny Hills Retirement Community and install him in his now home. After he was there for a few hours, a lovely young nurse comes and asks if he would like to spend a while on the sun porch. Amos says "Sure...hrmmmph, hrmmmph." So Amos and the nurse are on the sun porch enjoying the sun, when Amos begins to lean to his left. The nurse, thinking that he is going to fall, pushes him back upright. A few minutes pass, and Amos again begins to lean, this time to his right. The nurse pushes him back upright. A few minutes later the scene is repeated. Finally, the nurse takes Amos back to his room. The next day, Amos's friend Bob comes to visit. "How do you like it here?" asks Bob. "Well" says Amos "it's OK, I guess. The bed ain't too soft and it ain't too hard. The food is OK. The people are nice. But, they sure don't want you to fart on the sun porch!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it." As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!" The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!" The third woman fainted. ------------------------------------------------------------ The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer: "That's right." Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life." ------------------------------------------------------------ Three squaws were each preparing for the birth of their first child. The first squaw placed a large bear hide by a river, the second squaw placed an elk hide by a tree by a river, and the third squaw placed a hippopotamus hide by a path, near the river and the tree so that the three formed a triangle. It just so happens that all three women gave birth on the same day. The first squaw on the bear hide had a 5-lb son, the second squaw on the elk hide had a 6-lb son, and the third squaw on the hippopotamus hide had an 11-lb son. To this day, mathematicians credit these three women with the first proof of the Pythagorean Theorem: "The son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the two adjacent hides." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) Everything in moderation, including moderation.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:01 EST From: cate5.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 42 Six Phases of a Project: 1) Enthusiasm 2) Disillusionment 3) Panic 4) Search for the guilty 5) Punishment of the innocent 6) Praise and honors for non-participants ------------------------------------------------------------ An American is visiting in France for several weeks. As his stay nears an end, he is sitting around with three of his new-found French friends, just generally shooting the breeze. The subject turns to language, and the American says, "Guys, I do have one question left. I keep hearing this expression, "sang froid". What does it mean? I know that it literally means, "cold blood", but what does it *mean*?" The first Frenchman replies, "Ah, zat is easy. Say that a man walks into his bedroom, only to find his wife in bed with his best friend. If he can turn around and walk out without zem knowing he was zere, *zat* is sang froid!" The second Frenchman interjected, "You have eet all wrong! If, in zis circumstance, zee gentleman can calmly stand zere, and say "Please don't mind me; continue", zen *zat* is sang froid!" "Non, non, non!" burst out the third. "If ze gentleman bursts een on his wife and his best friend, stands there saying, "Please continue", and his friend *can* continue, *zat* is sang froid!". ------------------------------------------------------------ One day while the circus was in town, a lion escaped from its cage. He went downtown into a local bar, and said to the bartender, "You see that young girl at the end of the bar? If you don't give me a free beer, I'll go and eat her up." The bartender hastily poured a beer and watched the lion swig it down and leave. The lion proceeded across the street to another bar. Again he approached the bar, and spoke to the bartender. "You see that girl at the end of the bar? If you don't give me a free beer, I'll go and eat her up." The bartender hastily poured the lion a beer, and watched as the lion gulped it down and left. The lion proceeded to yet another bar, went inside, and said to the bartender: "You see that young girl at the end of the bar? If you don't give me a free beer, I'll go and eat her up." "Go ahead," said the bartender. So the lion went to the girl and ate her, quick as a wink. "Now give me a beer, or I'll eat YOU up!" the lion roard to the bartender. "No you won't. in a couple of minutes, you'll be out cold on the floor," said the bartender calmly. "Why's that?" asked the lion. "That wasn't an ordinary girl you ate, you dumb lion. That was a bar-bitch-u-ate!!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A young man is on a date with a young woman and they go parking. After some heavy petting the young man asks the young woman for oral sex. "No", says the young woman, "you won't respect me." So the young man is content to wait. After they had been dating a few months, the young man again asks the young woman for oral sex. Again she replies, "No, you won't respect me." Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride "Honey, please, we're married now. You know I love you and respect you. Can we please have oral sex?". "No", she says "I just know that if I do that you won't respect me." So the man waits. and waits... and waits.... After 20 years of marriage the man says, "Honey, we've been together 20 wonderful years now. We've raised three beautiful kids. You KNOW that I love you and respect you completely. How about oral sex, just once???? Please??????" and the wife finally gives in to her husband's wish and peforms oral sex on him. After she is done they are lying in bed relaxing and the telephone rings. The husband turns to his wife and says, "Answer that you cocksucker." ------------------------------------------------------------ Three women are being interviewed for the same secretarial job. The final question of each interview is, "If you were accidentally overpaid $100 one week, what would you do?". The first woman says, "Oh, I would immediately report it, Sir!". The second woman says, "Well, I would write a memo to payroll, but make it `low priority'." The third woman says, "Well, Sir, in all honesty, I would keep the money and but myself a new outfit." So who gets the job? The one with the biggest tits! ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate V --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_south) OR (cate5.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) "It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very sharp, probably not someone here on campus." -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, quoted in "The Technique," Georgia Tech's newspaper, after the computer worm hit the Internet  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:06 EST From: cate9.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX) Subject: Funky stuff - part 43 An American, a Frenchman, and a Polack are lined up in front of a firing squad awaiting execution. The American is first. He points behind the firing squad and shouts, "FLOOD!". When the soldiers turns to look, he escapes. The Frenchman quickly devises his plan and shouts, "TORNADO!!". He escapes as well. The Polack, thinking he has caught on yells, "FIRE!!" ------------------------------------------------------------ An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We're having some touble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?" The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex theripist. You should find someone else." The couple said, "No, No, we trust you." After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seam to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any suggestions." This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?" The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $50, and we can't afford that. You only charge $35, and medicare pays half of that." ------------------------------------------------------------ For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." ------------------------------------------------------------ How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? (Whispering voice:) "What do you WANT it to be?" How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on. How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb. How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? Many hands make light work. How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb? At least three. How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb? Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies. How many assholes does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Assholes never see the light anyway. How many astronomers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Astronomers prefer the dark. How many auto mechanics does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Two. One to try to put in the wrong lamp, and one to replace the broken socket. 2) Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs. How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. There were no light bulbs in the 13th Century. How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb? None. They don't make Pampers small enough. How many bankers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination. How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb? That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee. How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile... How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb? MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!! How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to not screw in the light bulb. How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb, one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of these. How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. 2) Five. One to change the bulb and four to file an Environmental Impact Statement. 3) One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb ... 4) Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up. 5) None. We contract out for things like that. How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Billions and billions. How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. But they're really only one. How many conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to change it and the others to sit around and talk about how much they liked the old one. How many consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. 2) Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. How many contras does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians, an Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him. How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) None. It turned itself in. 2) Just one, but he is never around when you need him. How many data base people does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. How many disarmament folks does it take to screw in a light bulb? They won't, because: 1. "If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to a brighter one, so where will it all end?" 2. "We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire world three times over." 3. "We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as anyone is hungry anywhere." 4. "We don't know what effect all of this artificial light will have on the future of mankind." 5. "Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just haven't learned to husband it yet." 6. "Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct." 7. "The candle is more traditional, and it uses no electricity." 8. "It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to provide light to all Americans, without regard to race, age, creed, color, sex, religion, socio-economic status, national origin, or need." 9. "I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written on it!" How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? That depends on whether it has health insurance. How many dope addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to roll it and one to light it up. How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. How many emergency room technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but the bulb will have to wait forty-five minutes in the waiting room first. How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission. How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. How many strong Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb? 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. How many Greek gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. How many evolutionists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it takes eight million years. How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? What does it matter, we're all gonna die anyway. How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) That's not funny!!! 2) Two. One to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels. 3) Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual implications. 4) Four. One to change it, and three to write about how the bulb is exploiting the socket. 5) Three. One to change the bulb, and two to secretly wish they were the socket. 6) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to kick the balls off any man trying to help the first one. How many firemen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof. How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs. How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and the other to say, "Fabulous! Fabulous!" How many generals does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1,000,001. One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, and a professor to take credit. How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb? Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill. How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Huh? You mean it's dark in here? How many hardware guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? "Well, the diagnostics say it's fine, buddy, so it's a software problem." How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him. How many IBM engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature. How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw in light bulb? Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra. How many IBMers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". How many Indiana University students does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) You ever wonder why it's so dark in Bloomington? 2) All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job they can get after they graduate. How many Japanese industrialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb. How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to change a light bulb? Change it to what? How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Oh wow, is it like dark, man? How many Kentuckians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) All of them. 2) Only one. They'll screw anything. How many KGB agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and the other to check the microphones. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) How many can you afford? 2) Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from ..... How many law professors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. How many Lebanese does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim responsibility in phone call to the news media. How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man. How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark. How many loggers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. But he uses a chainsaw. How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? Into what? How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb? One and a half. How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. How many massage parlor attendants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Whatever number turns you on, big boy. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the bulb. How many Mid-Westerner's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to change the light bulb, four to read the directions. How many missionaries does it take to screw in a light bulb? 101. One to screw it in and the other 100 to convince everyone else to screw in light bulbs too. How many modern artists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel. Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a light bulb? No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. How many Musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that." How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. How many Nebraskans does it take to screw in a light bulb? What's a light bulb? How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. 2) Only one. "Oh, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?" How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ? 1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it! How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke? 1000. One to submit the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem." How many people from New Jersey does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) None of your damn business! 2) Five. One to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers. 3) 201. One to put it in and 200 to watch it happen without trying to stop it. How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but he'll tell everybody. How many nuclear engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it. How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight. How many members of the PLO does it take to screw in a light bulb? 45. One to drive the car, four to shoot the bodyguards of the president of Sylvania, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights. How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle, and one to change the bulb. What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb. How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Pre-meds don't screw, they study. How many professors does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. That's what grad students are for. How many "pro-lifers" does it take to screw in a light bulb? Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing. How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready. 2) Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many do you think it takes? How many punk rockers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the light bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead. How many Reaganists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ten. One to screw it in, and one to send the bill to the next generation. How many real men does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark. How many real women does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. A real woman would have plenty of real men around to do it. How many rec.humor posters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) 1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and over again and still no one notices it's been changed so they change it again and again and then they even discuss it and then someone flames them for not doing it in rec.humor.d. 2) 565. 1 to put in a trick bulb (say, a flash bulb). 6 to flame the first, pointing out that this bulb is different from the old one. 29 to counter-flame, pointing out that the new bulb is *deliberately* different, and is parodying the old one. 7 to leave the room, citing the extreme density of the 6. 12 to demand that this commentary be redirected to the other room. 14 to ask that the bulb be changed again, since they missed seeing it the first time. 496 to climb all over each other, trying to put the old bulb back in. How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in, and another to repent. How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb? That's a military secret. How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Both of them. How many sex therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it in the wrong way. How many sexists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They'll have their girls do it for them. How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out. How many supply-siders does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. How many television evangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Television evangelists screw in motel rooms. How many UNIX gurus does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but first he has to determine the correct path. How many USENETers does it take to screw in a ligth bulb? Six. One to point out the spelling error ^^ you illiterate idiot! One to flame: GET THIS GARBAGE OFF THE NET!!! One to flame the flamer. One to ask to be removed from the news group. One to ask for a copy of the last message :-) And one to ask how to unROT the joke. How many waiters does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Even a burned-out bulb can't catch a waiter's attention. How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb?? Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple. How many White House aides does it take to change one of Reagan's light bulbs? None. They like to keep him in the dark. How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Zen masters are illuminated by their own inner light. How many Romanians does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them? How many circus performers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to change the bulb and three to go, "Ta da!" How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production! How many light bulb jokes does it take to screw in a light bulb joke? The probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to the net in any given week is 0.4, and the probability that it will have changed detectably since the last transmission is 0.2. Assuming independence (which is reasonable, since no submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is thus 0.08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke. How many Neanderthals does it take to light a fire? None. They don't have it. ------------------------------------------------------------ An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Sir, these are the COJONES", the waiter replied. "The what, you say?", exclaimed the tourist. "They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the plate anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's COJONES are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, sir," said the waiter, "... you see the bull, he does not always lose!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IX --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_south) OR (cate9.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:10 EST From: cate7.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 44 Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder. ------------------------------------------------------------ A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Two dogs had chased a third dog for hours in the hot sun. Dog 1: Ain't this a bitch? Dog 2: It sure as hell better be! ------------------------------------------------------------ Jimmy Swaggart telephoned Jim de Bakker. Swaggart: I have a theological question: Can a prostitute be saved? De Bakker: Yes. Swaggart: Would you save me one for Saturday night? ------------------------------------------------------------ NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK Cover your stump before you hump. Before you attack her, wrap your wacker. Don't be silly, protect your Willie. Before you blast her, protect your bushmaster. Don't be a loner, cover your boner. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong. If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey. Before you bag her, sheath your dagger, It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter. If you slip between her thighs be sure to condomize. She won't get sick if you cap your dick. If you go into heat, package that meat. Befo' da van start rockin', be sho' yo' cock got a stockin'. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil. A crank with armor will never harm her. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_south) OR (cate7.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) "Of course, someone who knows more about this will correct me if I'm wrong, and someone who knows less will correct me if I'm right." -- David Palmer (palmer@tybalt.caltech.edu)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:13 EST From: cate6.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI) Subject: Funky stuff - part 45 Four Polacks were in an alley shooting drugs, and using the same needle. A guy walked by on the street and yelled, "You idiots! Don't you know about AIDS?!?" One of the Polacks replies; "Of course we do! But don't worry, we're all wearing condoms!" ------------------------------------------------------------ One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped into his fancy, imported sportscar, zipped out along the big highway for a while, then got off and drove along a very rural dirt road in the middle of farm country. After a while, he came across a farmer who was out in the fields, driving a tractor. Funny thing was, the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. "Hey farmer, how come you're not wearing any pants?" "Well, city boy, th' other day I went out a-workin' in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. Now this here's mah wife's idea." ------------------------------------------------------------ Two Texans are standing on a bridge bragging about their manliness, when they decide to piss into the river below. After commencing, they continue bragging: Texan 1: "The water's cold." Texan 2: "Yeah. Deep too." ------------------------------------------------------------ News release: Abortions are becoming so popular in Poland that the waiting time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Polish experts predict that at this rate there will soon be a one year wait to get an abortion. ------------------------------------------------------------ A Polish statistician refuses to fly after reading the alarmingly high probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane. Later he finds that the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. Now whenever he flies, he always carries one bomb with him. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VI --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_south) OR (cate6.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) "Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids." -- Erma Brombeck  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:15 EST From: cate9.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX) Subject: Funky stuff - part 46 A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!" ------------------------------------------------------------ America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two years up there, each may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb wife. They approve. The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Greek. I want 150 lbs of books to learn Greek with." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "It's gonna be two years up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment. Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, He and his wife are each holding and infant. The crowd cheers. The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says: "Anybody got a match?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Everyone wondered how Reagan picked Bush for VP in the first place. Well, this is the story: Reagan knew he had to make a choice; so he asked Nancy how he should do this. Nancy told him that he should ask the potential candidates a riddle and see how they do. She gave Reagan a riddle to use. So, the next day, Reagan goes to Bush and says, "Who is it who is your father's son, but not your brother?" Bush replies, "Golly gee, Mr. Reagan, That's difficult. I'll need to go and think about that one for a while." In the evening Bush returns and happily shouts, "I got it, Ron! I figured it out! It's me! It's me!" Reagan than goes and presents the same riddle to one of the other VP candidates and says, "Who is it who is your father's son, but not your brother?" "That's a tough one Mr. Reagan. I'll get back to you on that." And in the evening he returns and says, "I couldn't figure that one out. Who is it?" Reagan answers, "It's George Bush, but I'm not exactly sure why." ------------------------------------------------------------ A man was walking down the street one day when he saw a Polack standing on the corner, playing with his butt and then smelling his fingers. The man watched the Polack do this for a minute or so, then he walked over to him and asked, "What are you doing, if I might ask?" And the Polack replied, "I'm snorting crack, of course!" ------------------------------------------------------------ This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two -- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th' other way and they stopped to talk. "Hey buddy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva fight." "Well actually I got them in church," sez he. "Nowwaitaminnit," sez his buddy, "nobody gits black eyes in church!" "I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened. We all got up to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an' all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her. And you know what? She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!" "Well," sez his buddy after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff explains one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?" "Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IX --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_east) OR (cate9.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) God didn't create the world in seven days. He rested for six and then pulled an all-nighter.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:17 EST From: cate0.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 47 This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated". The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. "All right, I guess I'll have the operation", he said. When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew - start over from this point". So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular". "That's right", exclaimed the man, "how'd you know?" "Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up", replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long." "Right again," the man said. The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36." "There's your first mistake", the man said, "I've worn 34's for years." "No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one", said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34". The owner replied, "Well alright, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!" ------------------------------------------------------------ There was this black woman who had 7 sons, all of them named Leroy. One day this man was asking her about this and said, "What to you say when you want to call one of them?" She replies,"I just calls Leroy, and they all come!" The man then says, "Well what if you want one of them to come help you with the dishes?" She says, "I calls Leroy, and they all come help me with the dishes." The man, getting somewhat frustrated, says, "What if you want to talk to one of them about bad grades on their report card, then how do you call them?" She says, "Oh, then I use their last name!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A man was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the sea. As the water lapped around his feet, a motor boat suddenly approached the island. "Come on, man, get in!" said the boatman. "No," said the guy on the island, "I have faith in Jesus. He will save me!" The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to the guy's chest, another boat appeared. "Get in the boat, or you're going to drown!" said the boatman. Again, the guy said, "No, I have faith in Jesus. He will save me!" The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to the guy's chin, a third boat appeared. "Get in, this is your last chance!" "No, Jesus will save me!" So the boat went off, the water continued to rise and the guy drowned. He went up to heaven and was greeted by Jesus. "Hey, Jesus," he said, "I trusted in you all my life and you let me drown! I don't believe it!" "YOU don't believe it?" Jesus said, "I sent three fucking boats to save you!!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him, he shouted: "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!" The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why. "Well, Cap'n, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also shit in your pants." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped) --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_west) OR (cate0.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) "...one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:26 EST From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 48 A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and and steals a roast. The butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The next day, the butcher opens his mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $50 due for a consultation. ------------------------------------------------------------ While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed: "Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you, but when I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion", she explained. The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife. "I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?" "Oh that," his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Murphy is walking down a country lane near his home when he spies a leprechaun sitting on a fencepost. "Ah ha!", says he to himself, "I'll catch the little fella and he'll have to give me his pot o' gold." So, Murphy sneaks up on the leprechaun and grabs him by the shoulders. The leprechaun is unhappy, but knows he can get away if he can get Murphy to look away from him, even for an instant. "Where's your pot o' gold?", says Murphy. "Isn't that a purple cow over there?", says the leprechaun. "I'm not taking my eyes off you! Where's the gold?!", says Murphy. "Look at that peacock flying overhead!", says the leprechaun. "I'm wise to your tricks! Where's the gold?!!", says Murphy. Finally, the leprechaun gives up. "All right", he says, "you've got me. But I'm not a pot o' gold leprechaun, I'm a three-wish leprechaun." "What's a three-wish leprechaun?", says Murphy. "I can grant you up to three wishes", says the leprechaun, "but there's a catch. Whatever I give to you I give double to the person in the world you hate the most. I happen to know that's O'Brien over in the next town." Murphy thinks it over and finally says "Done! For my first wish I want a fine, ten room mansion all for myself in that field over there." "Done!" says the leprechaun and a beautiful mansion appears in the field. In the field next to it is a 20 room mansion and on the porch stands a surprised O'Brien saying "Why, thank you, Murphy. I didn't think you liked me." "For my next wish", says Murphy, "I want ten of the most beautiful women in the world to wait on me hand and foot." "Done!", says the leprechaun, and ten stunning women appear on the front porch of Murphy's new mansion. O'Brien, now surrounded by twenty beautiful women, is positively beaming. "Bless you, lad! I take back all the bad thoughts I had of you", says he. "Finally", says Murphy, "for my last wish ... I want my sexual potency to be cut by fifty percent!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls." ------------------------------------------------------------ Mickey Mouse was trying to convince a judge to give him a divorce from Minnie Mouse: Judge: "I'm sorry Mickey, but you claiming Minnie is crazy is not a valid reason for me to grant a divorce." Mickey: "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) Personally, should I ever form a globe spanning conglomerate, I intend to do it fairly and without malice or dirty politics. I hope you fellows don't make that too difficult a task; I would have to have you all killed. -- David Neal (abbadon@nuchat.uucp)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:27 EST From: cate5.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 49 A guy was in a record store to buy a 45-rpm record of his favorite song. After he located it, he realized that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decided to get a five-finger discount (shoplift), so he put it down his pants. Well, as he was leaving the store, the cashier stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but is that a record in your pants?" To this, he responded, "It may not be a record, but I'm mighty proud of it." ------------------------------------------------------------ A city boy went duck hunting in the country one day. While hunting he shot a duck which fell on the property of a farmer. The boy crawled over the fence to claim his kill. But, the farmer, seeing what had happened rushed out with his shotgun and yelled, "See here! That duck belongs too me!" The city boy replies, "But I shot the duck, therefore it belongs to me!" The farmer says, "It fell on my property so it belongs to me!" They continue to argue, each claiming ownership of the duck. After a while, the farmer says, "We should settle this the old-fashioned way." The city boy asks, "What is the 'old-fashioned way'?" The farmer explains, "First, I kick you in the groin. Then, you kick me in the groin and we continue in this fashion until one of us gives up. The one who wins gets the duck." The city boy, willing to do anything to get his duck and leave, agrees to the contest. The farmer draws back his leg and kicks the city boy in the groin with all his might. The city boy, in horrible pain, falls to the ground moaning and groaning. After about 10 minutes, he manages to stand up and croaks, "It's my turn now." The farmer says, "Oh, you can have the duck", and leaves. ------------------------------------------------------------ A guy gets on a bus and notices a nun sitting over in a corner. Through her heavy head piece he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and more excited until he finally approaches the nun and says, "Sister, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you. Can we get together some time?" The nun leaves the bus in a huff. Later as the guy is about to leave the bus himself, the bus driver asks the guy if he was the one who was bothering the nun. The guy again apologizes, explaining once again that he seldom did this sort of thing, but the bus driver says: "No, don't apologize, I was checking her out myself. In fact, let me do you a favor. Did you see where she got off? There's a little park there, and every day she goes there to pray at the same time. Go there tomorrow, and maybe you'll get lucky!" The guy thanks him and leaves. Sure enough, the guy goes to the park and there's the little nun in a secluded spot by some trees. He goes off into the bushes, and comes back a few minutes later in a long white robe, a long blond wig with beard and a crown of thorns. The nun is flabbergasted, and asks what she can do for him. He says that every couple of thousand years, he likes to come back to earth to get laid. The nun says that she'd love to help him, but that she was on her period, and would the back door be OK? He says fine, and they commence their activities. A few minutes into it, he is suddenly overcome with a blast of guilt, and says, panting, "Sister, I have to tell you something. I'm not really Jesus, I'm actually the guy who was annoying you on the bus yesterday." The nun says, "Oh, that's OK. In fact, I'm not really a nun. I'm actually the bus driver." ------------------------------------------------------------ One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is an another way that will cost only $50. The woman agreed to try the cheap way, payed the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes. After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. And she asked him how he did it. "I tied your pubic hair," he answered. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate V --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_east) OR (cate5.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you that day.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:29 EST From: cate0.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 50 There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred. So, he borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. "OK, Pop." said the little boy. After a while, the boy came into the living room where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop", said the boy, "the bull just fucked the brown cow". There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said, "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow". The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Pop". "Yes, Son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?" "He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!" ------------------------------------------------------------ There was this couple on The Newlywed Game and the man was asked where was the wierdest place they ever made "whoopie". And with confidence, the woman responds, "Got to be in the butt, Bob." ------------------------------------------------------------ A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss. When he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun. The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes." "Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?" "Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing not fittin' and all ... I'll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I come." The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to walk away. The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" The leprechaun asks, "How old are you me boy?" "25," he says. "Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?" ------------------------------------------------------------ A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Two women were walking down the street. One nudges the other and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen roses. Damn!! That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for three days!" "Well, why don't you get a vase?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped) --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_east) OR (cate0.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) Disclaimer: The views of my employer do not conform to my views, or to any accepted standard of logic that the Greeks thought up anyway...  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:30 EST From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 51 "How would you like to come back to my place for a hamburger and some sex?" "No!" "What's the matter, you don't like hamburgers?" ------------------------------------------------------------ It seems a teacher walked into the boy's bathroom and caught four boys having a contest to see who could pee highest on the wall. The teacher was disgusted and took the boys to the Principal's office. Later the teacher told an associate what had happened, and the associate asked her what the Principal's reaction was. She replied: "Well, he hit the ceiling!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------ This Polish guy ordered a pizza with everything on it. When it came out of the oven, the guy asked him if he'd like it cut into four or eight pieces. "Make it four," said the Pole. "I'll never be able to eat eight." ------------------------------------------------------------ Two Poles walk into the post office and the first thing that catches their eye is a bunch of "Wanted" posters, in particular a shot of a mean-looking black guy beneath a banner that says "Wanted for Rape." "You know," said on Pole to the other, "they get all the good jobs." ------------------------------------------------------------ The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops for a moment or two, scratches his forehead, then asks the Cardinal, "Can you think of a four-letter word for 'woman' that ends in 'u-n-t?'" "Aunt," replies the Cardinal. "Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) -We have them just where they want us. J. T. Kirk  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:35 EST From: cate8.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 52 A distinguished-looking man entered a Geneva bank and inquired about taking out a loan for 1000 Swiss francs. "What security can you offer?" the banker asked. "My Rolls-Royce is parked out front," he said. "I will be away for a few weeks. Here are the keys." A month later, the man returned to the bank and paid off the loan, 1017 francs with interest. "Pardon me for asking," the banker said, "but why a one-thousand franc loan for a man of your obvious means?" "Very simple," he replied. "Where else can you store a Rolls for a month for seventeen francs?" ------------------------------------------------------------ JESUS SAVES! Moses invests! ------------------------------------------------------------ JESUS SAVES! But Moses gets the rebound ... he shoots ... HE SCORES!!! ------------------------------------------------------------ The Lone Ranger, while hunting down some low-down-murderous scum, is captured. Fortunately, Silver escapes. The bad guys decide to take Loney out into the desert and tie him down, naked, to stakes. Once they are satisfied that he is secured, they leave him to die slowly. Silver appears at the scene. The Lone Ranger says to him, "Silver, go to town and get the posse!" Silver rears back, whinnies, and charges off to town, many miles away. All day, in the blistering sun, the Lone Ranger survives. Just as he thinks the end is near, night falls. Though relieved at first, he begins to get colder and colder. By sheer will power, he manages to survive the night. As dawn breaks, he hears the thundering of horse hooves. Up gallops Silver with a naked woman on his back. "Goddammit, Silver, I said 'POSSE'!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------ The World Health Organization recently did a resarch in determining the function of the knob at the end of the penis. The Russians put in a million dollars and came up with the results saying that the knob is there merely to please a man during sexual encounters. The French also put in a million dollars but came up with a different conclusion citing that the knob is there for the pleasure of a woman. The Poles put in $2.98 and discovered that the function of a knob is to prevent the hand from slipping off!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VIII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_west) OR (cate8.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) "The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my employer, not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary."  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:36 EST From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 53 Yesterday I was driving around in the country, got thirsty and entered a pub. I was there for five minutes, when a big brown horse entered the pub, sits down at a table, crossed its legs and orderered a coffee. I was surprised, and asked the pub keeper if this was not a little strange, that an horse orders a coffee. "Yes", the man said, "Very strange, indeed. Normally it drinks a pint of beer." ------------------------------------------------------------ At whether stations people have to enter several times per day the amount. On one occasion somebody typed in that amount without a decimal point instead of 8.45cm he entered 8m45. Apparently there was a test for such numbers because following error message appeared : Build a boat. Take of all animals two : a male and a female ------------------------------------------------------------ One day in Paradise, God called Adam to him and said "Now i will teach you how to kiss". "Lord, what is a kiss ?" asked Adam. "I will show you" said God and tought Adam everything about kissing. Adam went to Eve and kissed her for a while. Then God called Adam back and said "Now i will teach you how to make love"."Lord, what is make love ?" asked Adam. "I will show you" said God and then he tought Adam everything about making love. Adam went to Eve but came back shortly after and asked "Lord, what is a headache ?". ------------------------------------------------------------ John was a bit kinky. One evening he got himself a prostitute and they both went up in a hotelroom where John said ".. I got a litle .. litle favor to ask". "OK, but you have to pay extra for that" said the prostitute. John took all his clothes off, went into the shower, turn it on and said "Now.. Take the hairdryer, turn it on and blink the lights". The prostitute turned the hairdryer on and when she started blinking the lights John moaned with pleasure. "Oh Oh man,this is great. Now I'm standing in the middle of a forest. It's raining cats and dogs and the lightnings lit up the sky. The wind is blowing and in distance you can hear thunders." "OK OK" said the prostitute "Isn't it time to make love now ?". "Are you CRAZY" answered John "in THIS weather?". ------------------------------------------------------------ Mrs Smith woke up one night, choking and discovered that her husband, who was drunk as a skunk, was filling her mouth with pain-killers. When she cought her breath again, she screamed "What in HELL do you think you are doing ?"."Don't you have headache ?" said Mr Smith. "No, your fool of course not". "That's great let's f**k". ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) "People who live in glass houses shouldn't." -- Author Unknown  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:39 EST From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 54 After a saturday night out, a guy comes home bringing a new 'acquaintance' with him. The guy opens the door and leads his female companion into the living room. The living room has the air of overstated technical elegance, one has come to dislike over the years. The interior is a sparkling dream (nightmare) in white, metal and glass. (Your basic modern interior design of the mid-eighties). "Well", sez the guy gesturing about the room, "How do you like it ? " "Yeah!", sez the girl, "I kinda like it, but it's lacking something.. - pauses - I think, It lacks some human warmth." "hey", sez the guy, "That's no problem.." and farts! ------------------------------------------------------------ Why have dogs been banned from the Vatican? Because, they pee on Poles. ------------------------------------------------------------ "George Washington really remembered things." "Why? What do you mean?" "You still celebrate his memory, don't you!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Have you tried McSquared, the pure energy fast-food? ------------------------------------------------------------ The time is mid december some year, and Norway has a new ambassador in the USA since two months. The telephone rings at his office. - Good morning Mr Ambassador, I'm from the NewYork times, I wonder what you would like for christmas present. The new ambassodor isn't stupid. He goes strictly by the rules, so there won't be any scandal. - Listen now Mr. I don't want any present. A present would be seen at as a bribe, and I won't let that happen: said the ambassador. The next day, the phone rings again. - Good morning Mr Ambassador, I'm from the NewYork times. I'm still interested in what you would like to have for christmas present. The ambassador explains why he can't take any gifts, and the conversation ends. The next day, the NewYork times journalist rings again. This time the ambassador is quite upset. - I thought, I told you already. No presents! Then he said. - Ok a fruit bowl would be nice, it really would. Now he hopes the journalist will leave him. He is also sure, a fruit bowl is harmless and won't cause any scandal. Two days later, the NewYork times writes. WHAT THE AMBASSADORS WANT FOR CHRISTMAS PRESENT Germany's ambassador wishes a stable economy in the world. France's ambassador wants continued good east-west relations Sweden's ambassador wishes an end of the starwation in the third world. . . . Norway's ambassador wants a fruit bowl. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know what's wrong."  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:40 EST From: cate0.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 55 Q: What is the difference between a University, a Polytechnic, and a College ? A: When a lecturer walks into a class and says "Good Morning", at a University the students say "Good Morning" back, at a Polytechnic they ignore him, and at a College they write it down. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What is the difference between a University and a Polytechnic? A: At a Polytechnic they teach you to wash your hands after going to the toilet. At a University they teach you not to p*ss on your hands in the first place. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Why do Australian men piss in the garden at parties? A: Because there's always someone throwing up in the loo! ------------------------------------------------------------ A Belgian train is standing in the middle of a field, some hundred meters away from the rails, which are as straight as can be. The director of the Belgian Railways is very surprised at this very weird situation and asks the driver how the train got there. "Well, there was a Dutchman standing on the rails!" "Hell, why didn't you just drive over him?" "Of course, but I didn't get him until in the fields!!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A woman asks her husband this question: "If I died, would you marry again?" "I would!" "And would you let her come into my house?" "I would!" "Would she be working in my kitchen?" "She would!" "Would she sleep in my bed?" "She would!" "Would she put her clothes in my press?" "She would!" "Would she have my Renault 4?" "She would!" "Would she use my golf clubs?" "DEFINITELY NOT!" "Why?" "She's left-handed!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped) --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_south) OR (cate0.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) "Master, why is the letter 'i' the symbol for current?" "Because there is no letter 'i' in the word 'current'." "Master, why do we use the letter 'j' for sqrt(-1)?" "Because we use the letter 'i' for current." Whereupon the Master struck the Disciple, and the Disciple became enlightened.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:45 EST From: cate9.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX) Subject: Funky stuff - part 56 Man and tall brown bear wearing a hat go into a bar. Man: I'll have a pint of beer, and the bear'll have a large Matabooboo. Bartender: What's a Matabooboo? Bear: Nuttin' Yogi. ------------------------------------------------------------ What's black and eats bananas? Half of london. ------------------------------------------------------------ Man on package tour in USA, one day of the tour is a bus ride down to Mexico. Whoopee he thinks, wild times, smokes, freaky things. Imagine his surprise when the bus drops him in a sleepy pueblo population: three people, one tumbleweed. The bus roars off and he hears the driver shout back something about returning in three hours. That's cool, he can amuse himself for three hours. He heads for the bar and tries to talk to the patron, who turns out to be the most boring person in the world. Five minutes later, it feels like three hours and he makes his excuse and leaves, only slightly puzzled that in three hours he only managed one drink. He decides to check the time and casts around for someone to ask. He sees a sleepy hombre sitting against the wall under a sombrero. "Quel estas l'hora?", he asks in his best Spanglais. "You what, man?", replies the hombre, who turns out to be an erstwhile extra from a 1970's Eastwood movie who missed the bus home. "The time. What is it?" The other reaches out to a mule which is standing beside him (this is a real mule, not a movie mule, you understand). He lifts its scrotum thoughtfully and then lets it drop. "About two thirty" he announces. "Astonishing", avers our hero. "How did you manage that?" Once again the other reaches out and lifts the donkey's scrotum. "You see that clock tower over there?" "Yes." "So can I now." ------------------------------------------------------------ Two South Africans talking: "I hear that Archbishop Tutu is dead." "That's funny, I hadn't even heard that he had been arrested." ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What do you say to an Arts graduate with a job? A: I'll have a hamburger please. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IX --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_south) OR (cate9.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) On the subject of C program indentation: "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." -- Blair P. Houghton  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:47 EST From: cate5.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 57 Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, and I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD! ------------------------------------------------------------ There was this young taxi driver who was driving an old farmer who had never been to Amsterdam before. The driver decided to have a little fun and started telling the old man that it was sometimes boring driving around so he and other drivers drove down old ladies just for the fun of it. The old man was a bit nervous but tried not to show it trying to fit in the capital's life. Then the driver shouted "There! An old lady!" and hit the gas. The car rushed toward the old lady. At the last second the driver turned so he would not kill the old lady, but at this instant he heard "BUNK". He turned his head to see the old man with a big smile "I got her using the door." ------------------------------------------------------------ There was a barber who noticed that the same man came every day to the barber's shop and asked "How many are waiting?" Then he left. The barber was curious and asked his pupil to follow the man the following day. Next day the pupil followed the man and came back to the barber's shop. The barber asked "Where did he go?" The pupil answered "To your home." ------------------------------------------------------------ A plane is flying over the Atlantic Ocean as the pilot is finishing an announcement over the intercom. Putting the mike down he hits the off switch. Unknown to him the switch is malfunctioning and his conversation is broadcast into the passenger area. "Take over for a while, Dave" the pilot says to his co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a shit and then bang that new stewardess." At this statement the passengers fly into a frenzy of conversation and gossip. The stewardess is greatly embarrassed and can no longer stay at her post, so she hurries towards the cockpit. But in her haste, she trips and falls to her knees in the aisle. She happens to land next to a sweet old lady who turns to help her up. As she does so, the lady says sweetly: "Don't rush dearie - he said he had to take a shit first." ------------------------------------------------------------ A nun joke in which not a single nun gets fucked (amazing isn't it?): A pale-faced nun, apparently in shock, enters the office of the old mother superior and reports very shyly, almost blushing: "Mother Superior, we -er- we have discovered a case of syphilis!" "Oh! How wonderful", says the old nun, "I was getting sick of the Chablis." (Well in the end a nun DID get fucked, I guess.) ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate V --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_east) OR (cate5.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) "Software and cathedrals are much the same - first we build them, then we pray." (Sam Redwine)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:49 EST From: cate7.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 58 This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realises that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream. By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Dont worry, I am going to save you". The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*. He throws a rope from the Porche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause). So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger). As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru' the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh) The elephant shouts "Don't worry chicken I will save you". So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small. As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis. Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety. Moral of the story: "If you have a big dick you don't need a red Porsche to pull a chick." ------------------------------------------------------------ Man in a pub with a friend. A: Something amazing happened to me last night. B: What's that? A: I was at the home of a guy I know, and I was in bed with his wife while he was out at the pub. We were really going at it, and suddenly we heard a car screech to a halt outside. My lover looked horrified. "Oh my god! My husbands arrived home!" she said. "Christ! What do I do?" I cried. "You'd better jump out the window before he finds you", she said, so I quickly got out the window. It was dark so I couldn't see, and I didn't want to fall to my death so I hung by my fingers to the window ledge. B: Wow. That sounds bad. A: It gets worse! Her husband entered the room, and he sounded very drunk. While I was hanging there I heard him get into bed and they were soon going at it, very noisily. After they'd finished, he got out of bed, opened the window and started peeing out the window, all over me, even though he couldn't see me! But of course I daren't let go... B: Wow. That sounds really bad. A: It gets worse! A bit later he opens the window and starts crapping out the window, goddamn it! All over me again!!! B: Wow. That sounds really really bad. A: It gets worse! Even later on, he opens the window again and this time he damn well pukes out the window, all over me again!!! B: Wow. That sounds really really really bad. A: It gets worse! I'd had enough by this time, so I let go. And then I realised I was only 2 feet from the ground!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------ H A P P I N E S S C H A I N ------------------------------ This chain is intended for tired, overwhelmed and exhausted husbands. There is no need to send money. Mail five copies of this to five friends of yours you have absolute confidence on. Next, make a parcel with your wife in it and send it to the first one on the list, placing your very name after the last place. You will be sent 15.625 women. Some of them could be interesting or, at least, different >from your own. Do not cut this chain. A husband did, and he got his wife back. A friend of mine has already got 18 women. ------------------------------------------------------------ Advertising in a newspaper: Big dog for sale, eats anything - fond of children ------------------------------------------------------------ The priest was teaching the Ten Commandments to the Church. At the 4'th Commandment "Thou shalt not steal", he observed a man in the front row, who suddenly became very uneasy. At the 6'th Commandment, the man's face immediately brightened up in a smile. When the service was over, the priest went to the man, and asked for an explanation of his improper behavior. - 'Well, you see', said the man, 'when you said the 4'th Commandment "Thou shalt not steal", I recognized that my wallet was gone. But at the 6'th Commandment, I suddenly remembered, where I'd forgotten it'. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_south) OR (cate7.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) "Care to expound, or are you just going to leave us all with the impression that you're merely an inarticulate asshole?" -- Jay "you ignorant splut!" Maynard (jay@splut.conmicro.com) "Lest I leave the wrong impression, I'm not inarticulate." -- Walker Mangum (walker@ficc.uu.net)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:50 EST From: cate6.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI) Subject: Funky stuff - part 59 A father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says "Mummy, what is that long thing ?" His mother replies "That son, is the elephant's trunk". "No, at the other end" "That son is the tail" "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant" A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies "Thats nothing" The mother goes to buy some icecream ( <-- this bit is improvised ) and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?" "That's the trunk, son" replies the father. "No at the other end" "Oh, that is the tail" "No, no daddy, the thing below" asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was nothing" says the boy. Replies the father, "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..." ------------------------------------------------------------ A man is walking down the street one day when he sees another man sprinting towards him. "What's wrong?" he shouts as the man comes closer. "There's a lion escaped from the zoo!" the runner replies. "Really?" says the man, "Which way did it go?" "Well you don't think I'm bloody after it do you!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Thought for the day: Don't eat yellow snow. ------------------------------------------------------------ A boy scout was out doing his bob-a-job stint one Saturday in Farmborough. He walked up to the front door of one house and rang the doorbell. The owner appeared. "Yes ?" "Bob a job week, sir !" At first the man didn't want anything to do with the kid, but eventually he agreed to give him a job. "You can paint my porch for me", he said. "The paint and brushes are in the garage - here's the key." The boy scout toddled off to do the job. Two hours later, he rang the doorbell. "Job's done", he said, his palm outstretched. "Harumph. Took your time, didn't you ? Well, okay, here's your FIVE PENCE !" The boy took the money and started to walk away, but after a few paces he turned around and said, "Oh, thanks for the donation, but by the way, it wasn't a porch, it was a Ferrari !" ------------------------------------------------------------ This big guy (and I mean *really* big) is sitting in his local pub, having a beer when this little guy comes running in. "Quick, quick", he says, "there's a guy in bed with your wife!" The big guy downs his beer, slams the glass on the bar counter and rushes, swearing, to his car, a new BMW. With screaming tyres and a gnashing of teeth he drives home. (He has this big double-story house with garden, palm trees etc.) His wife just manages to meet him at the door, still buttoning up her blouse, hair all in a mess and a looking a bit flushed. "Where's the bastard, I'll kill him", says the big guy and rushes up the stairs to the next floor - bathroom, bedroom kitchen etc. The search continues for a few minutes amidst much ranting, raving and further gnashing of teeth when, as he reaches the kitchen, he hears someone starting up his car. For a second he wavers, but as he's also a quick-thinking guy, he realizes there's only one thing he can do. So, he lifts the refrigerator and with a mighty heave throws it out the window onto the escaping car. All hell breaks loose because our hero slips in the process and follows the refrigerator out the window onto the car. Remember, he was on the second floor. When he wakes up in hospital later he's covered from head to foot in bandages and plaster and has various broken bones. He turns and sees he's not alone. The guy next to him is in worse shape than he. So he says "What happened to you?". "You won't believe it", he replies "I was sitting peacefully, driving this car when suddenly a refrigerator falls from the sky, wrecking me and the car". The big guy is just considering whether to deal with him immediately or to wait until he's recovered when the other guy says, "But you should see *him* - he looks really bad." The big guy looks around and sees that there is yet a third man in the room, and he is badly beaten up - all arms and legs broken, everything in plaster, only eyes and mouth sticking out etc. (the classic picture). "What happened to you?", says the big guy. The third guy can hardly talk and obviously hadn't been following the conversation. "It's a long story", he manages to utter "but, basically, you see, I was sitting inside this refrigerator ..." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VI --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_east) OR (cate6.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) "Life is a pinball machine. You bounce around for a while, and then you drain." -- Joe Bak  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 17:15:54 EST From: cate0.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 60 What happens if a Limburger (inhabitant of Limburg, the most southern Dutch province next to Belgium) emigrates to Belgium? The IQ in both Belgium and the Netherlands increases dramatically! ------------------------------------------------------------ A man goes into a pet shop in Farmborough and walks up to the counter. "Yes, sir, can I help you ?" asks the assistant. "I'd like a wasp, please", said the man. "You'd like a WHAT, sir ?" asks the assistant, looking puzzled. "I'd like a WASP, please", he repeats. "I'm sorry sir; we don't sell wasps in here." "Well, there's one in the window ..." ------------------------------------------------------------ There's this guy, and he's in bed with a woman as a car is heard drawing up outside. "That's my husband, home from work early," says the woman. "You'd better go and hide in the wardrobe". Thankful for any place of safety, the man picks up his clothes and jumps into the wardrobe. As he's standing there in the dark, a little voice says, "Wow, isn't it dark in here?", and the man realizes that his lover's 10-year-old son is in the cupboard with him. "I saw everything that you did," says the boy, "and I'm going to tell my Daddy -- unless you give me a pound." Secretly thinking it cheap at the price, the man hands over the money to buy the boy's silence. After a week or so, though, the boy begins to feel bad about what he's done, and he decided to go to confession at his church, and confess his sin. He waits his turn, and steps into the darkened confessional. Closing the door, he says, "Wow, isn't it dark in here", which produces the reply from the other side of the grille, "Oh, Christ, not *you* again!". ------------------------------------------------------------ The Three Bears returned one sunny sunday morning from a stroll in the woods to find the door of their little house open. Cautiously, they went inside. After a while, big Daddy Bear's deep voice boomed out, "Someone's been eating MY porridge !" Mummy Bear gave a yelp, "Someone's been eating MY porridge !", she said. Little Baby Bear rushed in, "Bugger the porridge - someone's nicked the video !" ------------------------------------------------------------ Seen in the men's lavatory: Hi, I am 9.5 inches long and two inches thick. Under which was the reply: Interesting, and tell me, how big is your dick? ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped) --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_east) OR (cate0.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) The real meaning of EMACS is ... ... EMACS makes a computer slow. -- John F. Haugh II  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:06:32 EST From: cate7.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 61 Seen in the men's lavatory: More than three shakes is masturbation. ------------------------------------------------------------ Woman: Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to tell me if you find it unusual. Doctor: Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined. Doctor (shouting): What a giant pussy! What a giant pussy! Woman (angry): Why did you have to say it twice!? Doctor: I didn't. ------------------------------------------------------------ Once Reagan visited India and was touring the country-side with Rajiv Gandhi. At quite a few places, he noticed people shitting out in the open. Wanted to help, he drew his cheque book out, and offered the Indian Premier a cheque worth $.... to build a few toilets. It embarrassed Rajiv to the n-th extent, but he had no other option than to accept it. Well, a time came when Rajiv visited the States. Whenever he went out he keenly searched for someone shitting out in the open; Sothat he could put Reagan in a similiar embarrassing position. To his luck, he found one man shitting in the open. Pleased very much, Rajiv offered Reagan a donation for building a toilet. Refusing it, Reagan said calmly: "He has his own toilet. But he insists on shitting like this. You know, he is the Indian ambassador". ------------------------------------------------------------ One night our friend, lets call him Jim, was out on the town. It was one of those nights when it was raining and he was _forced_ into a Pub for shelter. You know the sort of night I mean. Well as soon as Jim went into the pub he met a few friends and so he had a few drinks, and a few more, and a few more...... 12.00 o'clock and Jim with a rather large smile starts to stagger home through the rain. As is usual with this state of being, Jim decides that there is nothing better than an Indian Curry. So off he goes to his local Taj Mahal Take-Away. He goes in an orders an _extra-extra-hot Vindaloo Curry_. 15 minutes later Jim arrives back home. He places the Curry on the kitchen table and heads upstairs for a good piss. While he is upstairs relieving himself the cat comes over to the table. Now the cat had been neglected and was rather hungry, so it decided to have a go at the curry. Nibble, nibble, chomp, chomp, lick, lick. End of Curry. Just as the cat was licking the plate in comes Jim. Shock horror - anger - Jim starts to get mad. Grabs cat by scruff of neck and drags it outside. "You horrible little moggie, I hate you, you're dead now" rants our friend Jim. He fills a dustbin with water and throws the hissing cat into the bin and place the lid on top of the bin. Then he puts a concrete block on the bin, just to be sure. Jim returns to his sitting room and sits down feeling very sorry for himself. A few minutes later he hears a knock on the window. He goes over and opens it. Who should be there but the cat. Jim can't believe his eyes. The cat looks at Jim and says "You wouldn't happen to have any more water , please ? ". ------------------------------------------------------------ A waiter goes up to a bloke in the restaurant to take his order. The guy at the table says "I'd like the fried lobster, with french fries and broccoli." The waiter replies "I'm sorry, sir. We have no broccoli" The bloke says "Never mind, instead I'll have the roast duck, roast potatoes, cabbage and broccoli" The waiter says "Er, no sir, we really have no broccoli today." The guy says "Oh, in that case I'll have the chicken, sprouts, carrots, and broccoli." The waiter is by now well pissed off. "Listen, sir, how do you spell DOG, as in dogmatic?" "D-O-G" "How do you spell CAT as in catastrophe?" "C-A-T" "And how do you spell FUCK as in broccoli?" "Huh? There's no FUCK in broccoli." "Thats what I've been trying to tell you for the past ten minutes, you stupid git!!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_east) OR (cate7.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:06:40 EST From: cate0.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 62 Seen in the men's room: Stand close, It's *shorter* than you think. ------------------------------------------------------------ This woman decides to buy a new cupboard that you have to assemble yourself. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. Not daunted by this she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. Thinking that she must have done *something* wrong she re-re-reads the instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. Now, she's finally fed up with this and calls the client service. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look. The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, the womans husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it. Says the technician: "You won't believe me, but I'm standing here waiting for the train". ------------------------------------------------------------ Reality is for people who can't face science fiction. ------------------------------------------------------------ A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. ------------------------------------------------------------ A man's best friend is his dogma. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate Segmentation fault (core dumped) --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_west) OR (cate0.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:06:52 EST From: cate5.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 63 A penny saved is ridiculous. ------------------------------------------------------------ Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. ------------------------------------------------------------ No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. ------------------------------------------------------------ If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. ------------------------------------------------------------ He who laughs last didn't get the joke. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate V --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_east) OR (cate5.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. -- George Bernard Shaw  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:06:59 EST From: cate6.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI) Subject: Funky stuff - part 64 Atheism is a non-prophet organization. ------------------------------------------------------------ Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. ------------------------------------------------------------ Gravity brings me down. ------------------------------------------------------------ Everyone is entitled to my opinion. ------------------------------------------------------------ Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VI --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_east) OR (cate6.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:01 EST From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 65 He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance. ------------------------------------------------------------ While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. ------------------------------------------------------------ Morfy's law - Enythink thit ken go rong willl. ------------------------------------------------------------ Next time, give "the gift that keeps on giving": a female kitten. ------------------------------------------------------------ Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) "Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray."  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:04 EST From: cate6.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI) Subject: Funky stuff - part 66 Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. ------------------------------------------------------------ Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; Open it and you remove all doubt. ------------------------------------------------------------ Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. ------------------------------------------------------------ If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane! ------------------------------------------------------------ Recursive, adj.; see Recursive ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VI --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_west) OR (cate6.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. -- E. B. White  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:07 EST From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 67 F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM! ------------------------------------------------------------ God did not create the world in seven days. He partied for six and then pulled an all-nighter. ------------------------------------------------------------ Take an astronaut to launch. ------------------------------------------------------------ Xerox never comes up with anything original. ------------------------------------------------------------ Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:11 EST From: cate8.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 68 If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbits? ------------------------------------------------------------ If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down. ------------------------------------------------------------ Semiconductors are part-time musicians. ------------------------------------------------------------ Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. ------------------------------------------------------------ Two is company, three is an orgy. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VIII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_west) OR (cate8.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:14 EST From: cate8.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 69 Let him who is stoned cast the first sin. ------------------------------------------------------------ Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first! ------------------------------------------------------------ The best things in life are for a fee. ------------------------------------------------------------ People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses. ------------------------------------------------------------ Don't ask me; I was hired for my looks. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VIII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_east) OR (cate8.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:17 EST From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 70 Archaeologists take sedimental journeys. ------------------------------------------------------------ Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. ------------------------------------------------------------ How to buy a stereo. 1) Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100. 2) The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music. 3) The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very C00L. 4) The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, post-amp, etc.) 5) The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers is important. (e.g. woofers, tweeters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, etc.) 6) The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft. 7) The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home. 8) Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house. 9) Components should have a cool names. 10) The complete set up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame. 11) Having state of the art equiptment is not enough. You should be a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly. 12) The most important factor.... Out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better. ------------------------------------------------------------ "Finally stopped Grandma from sliding down the bannister." "How'd you do that?" "Wrapped barbed wire around it." "Guess that stopped her, huh?" "Not yet, but it sure slows her down." ------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Emily, The other day, my husband and I bought our small son a jigsaw to keep him occupied while we went out. Imagine our surprise when, four hours later, we came back to find that he had cut his fingers off!! ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) THE WOMBAT The wombat lives across the seas, Among the far Antipodes. He may exist on nuts and berries, Or then again, on missionaries; His distant habitat precludes Conclusive knowledge of his moods. But I would not engage the wombat In any form of mortal combat.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:19 EST From: cate9.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX) Subject: Funky stuff - part 71 Q: What do you get if you cross a bird with a magician? A: A flying sorcerer. ------------------------------------------------------------ Monty Python: - My dog's got no nose. - But how does it smell? - Awful. Atomic version: I say, I say, I live near Sellafield and my dog's got no nose, six legs, two heads, and it glows in the dark. How does it smell? Vile...But then I forgot to tell you, it's dead. Islamic version: I say, I say, my dog's got no legs. Why not? It ran off with my slipper so I chopped them off. ------------------------------------------------------------ The scene: a train in Poland. In one coach are an old woman, a pretty girl, an army officer, and a Solidarity worker. The train goes through a dark tunnel, and in the darkness a kiss is heard, followed by a slap. The old woman thinks: "What a brave girl. The officer made a pass at her, and she defended her honour." The girl thinks: "How strange. The officer must have tried to kiss me, and got the old woman instead." The officer thinks: "What bad luck. The worker kissed the girl, and she slapped me instead." The worker thinks: "Neat trick. I kiss the back of my hand, hit the officer and get away with it." ------------------------------------------------------------ Did you know the Shuttle commander was on the radio when the shuttle blew up? And on the walls, and on the windscreen, and on the ceiling. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What's NASAs favourite cocktail? A: Seven Up with a dash of Teacher's on the rocks. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IX --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_west) OR (cate9.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) Friends, Romans, Hipsters, Let me clue you in; I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him. The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes; If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, And, like, old Caeser really set them straight. Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; So are they all, all cool cats, -- Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:27 EST From: cate9.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX) Subject: Funky stuff - part 72 Q: Why do the Americans drink Pepsi? A: Because they can't get Seven Up. ------------------------------------------------------------ "It has come through that florida has an Education problem." "Oh?" "They've got 1 teacher spread over the whole state." ------------------------------------------------------------ How do you fit 11 astronauts in a VW Bug? Two in the front, two in the back and seven in the ashtray. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Whats worse than lobsters on your piano? A: Crabs on your organ. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What's better than a rose on your piano? A: Tulips on your organ. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IX --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_east) OR (cate9.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." "But the collar is up around my ears!" "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a little more ... that's it." "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the street. Reba and Florence see him go by. "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:34 EST From: cate5.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 73 Q: How does a women hold her liquor? A: By the ears. ------------------------------------------------------------ A middle aged buisnessman goes to see his physician. "Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says. "My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day she *really* works me over." "So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomanic," the man continued. "I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep." "I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor. "You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells." ------------------------------------------------------------ Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says: "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says: "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up: "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up." ------------------------------------------------------------ Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish calendar. As the day draws to a close, in some small synagogue, the rabbi is praying fervently. "Oh, God," he says, "I am nothing before you!" The cantor also says "Oh, God, I am nothing before you!" Then the beadle, inspired by their piety, cries out, "Oh, God, I am nothing before you!" The cantor raises his eyebrows, looks at the rabbi, and says "Nu, look who thinks he's nothing!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!". ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate V --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_west) OR (cate5.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:40 EST From: cate8.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 74 (Scene: My girlfriend and I are in a restaurant, and a strikingly attractive woman walks by.) Girlfriend: Would you date her? Me: Ummm...1958? ------------------------------------------------------------ The following story is an excerpt from an interview with singer Tom Jones published in the San Fransisco Examiner 2/12/89. The interviewer asked Mr. Jones whether he ever has problems with the husbands of the women who throw their underwear onto the stage during his performances. "One night a woman came down to the stage to retrieve an undergarment and I gave her a big kiss. I asked her name, and if she was married. She said 'yes' and pointed out her husband at a nearby table. I explained to him that the kiss was all in fun and that I hoped he hadn't taken offense. He just smiled and said, 'Look, you pump up the tires, and I'll ride the bike.'" ------------------------------------------------------------ A woman goes to the doctors, and says ' Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you.' The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. 'Well, what is it ??' he asks. 'It's a bit embarrasing,' she replies ' These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.' The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks 'Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately ?? ' The woman blushes and says 'Well, actually I have.' 'Thats the problem, ' the doctor says ' Tell him his ear-rings aren't made of gold !!!' ------------------------------------------------------------ A lawyer was approached by the devil one day. The Prince of Darkness informed him that he could arrange it so that he would win _all_ of his court cases, make twice as much money, work half as hard, be appointed to the Supreme Court by the age of 49, and live to be 90. All he had to do was promise the devil his soul, the soul of his wife, his children, and the souls of all of his ancestors. The lawyer thought for a minute, and then responded: "So what's the catch?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Why are Ice Hockey goalkeepers and Italian girls alike? They both change their pads after three periods. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VIII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_east) OR (cate8.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:43 EST From: cate5.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 75 What do you call a beautiful girl in Poland? A tourist. ------------------------------------------------------------ What's that brown stuff between an elephant's toes? Slow natives. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who lies on your doorstep ? A. Matt. ------------------------------------------------------------ So, it was WW2 and a ship was sailing over the seas when suddenly the captain runs to Bjorn who was stearing the ship and shouted: "There's a torpedo coming towards us! Go tell the boys downstairs to wear their life-jackets, but try not to cause any panic." Well, Bjorn had a sick sense of humour and so he went under the deck and said to the crew: "You know, I bet that if I put my cock on the table, the whole ship will explode!" Everybody laughed, but Bjorn insisted on making the bet. "I tell you guys, you better wear your life-jackets!" Still laughing, the men put on their jackets, and then Bjorn laid his genitals on the table. BOOM!!! The crew found themselves floating in the sea. The captain spotted Bjorn, swam to him and shouted in anger: "What the HELL were you doing down there!!!??? The torpedo missed us by ten meters!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Three youths were seated in a restaurant near an elderly lady, whom they conspired to shock. Said the first in a load voice, "I was born three months before my parents were married." "My father was always too drunk to get married at all," said the second. "I never knew who my father was," said the third. The old dear, upon hearing this conversation, turned and said, "Would one of you three bastards mind passing me the salt?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate V --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_west) OR (cate5.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:49 EST From: cate9.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX) Subject: Funky stuff - part 78 Somewhere in the middle of Spain, a Lada is driving along and meets a donkey. The donkey, never having seen a lada before, asks: "What are you?" the lada: "I am a car. What are you?" The donkey: "Hahahaha... giggle... I'm a horse...." ------------------------------------------------------------ A deaf couple checks into a motel very late at night. Upon moving into their assigned room, they go to bed. But in the middle of the night, the woman has a headache, so she goes into the bathroom for aspirin. But she finds none, and remembers that the bottle of aspirin is still in the car. Afraid to go out alone at night, she awakens her husband and asks him to go get the aspirin from the car. The very groggy husband puts on his robe and toddles wearily outside. He finds the bottle of the aspirin in the car's glove compartment, and gets ready to go back to the room when he realizes something: he can't remember which room was his! He thinks and thinks and then gets an idea. He opens the car again and honks the steering wheel horn several times. Within a minute, all the motel's windows lighten up -- except one window, and of course, he makes for the room with that window. ------------------------------------------------------------ A software company was pondering ways to get more attention for their product. One person suggested: "Hey, why don't we make it offensive to Shia Muslims?" ------------------------------------------------------------ This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband who suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined. She arranges an appointment and goes the following day. The husband, while at work receives a call from the doctor. Doctor : "I am sorry to say but you wife has acute angina..." Husband : "Yeah, I know, she's also got a nice pair of tits too!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG ! He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG ! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN ! Ok, the man thinks, lets open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO ! Well the casino is only a few miles away , so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE ! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 ! He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. ..... The ball stays at the 26. The deep voice says: SHIT ! ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IX --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_west) OR (cate9.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. -- Dizzy Dean  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:52 EST From: cate5.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 79 In SWEDISH roulette, one of six birth-control pills is replaced with an Aspirin. In AUSTRIAN roulette, six people sit in a cafe drinking wine, one of the wines is Austrian made. In INTERNATIONAL roulette, six people fly in jet aeroplanes, one of the planes is made by Boeing. VATICAN roulette: 5 Smarties and a pill. AFRICAN roulette: You're surrounded by beautiful ladies. Each of them wants to have oral sex with you and one is a cannibal. NORTHERN IRISH roulette: Six people play "Pass the parcel" (imagine the rest) ------------------------------------------------------------ Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these cards to fill in, in normal Commonwealth style. After the standard ones, like name, nationality, passport number, etc.. he got to one that asked: "Have you ever been imprisoned?" After thinking about that for some time he entered: "I didn't know it was still a requirement" ------------------------------------------------------------ The dew was still wet as the prisoner was let out into the yard for the last time. The soldiers of the firing detail shuffled out to their usual positions as the guards led the prisoner to the stake at the far end of the paddock. There, he was securely bound as the captain of the guards stepped forward to contend with the final courtesies. "Blindfold?", he inquired. "No, thank you," said the condemned. The captain was a little taken aback at the difficulty and leaned forward so as no to be heard. "Please," he said, "take the blindfold. It is not an act of cowardice to be spared this spectacle. It makes it MUCH easier for you." The condemned thought for a moment and relented. The blindfold was tied over his eyes. "Cigarette?" offered the captain. "No thanks," said the prisoner, "I don't smoke." Here again the captain paused and thought of a tactful approach. He leaned i in and spoke in a confidential tone. "No matter. Please take the cigarette. It makes it MUCH easier for the men on the firing squad." ------------------------------------------------------------ Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant: The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden. The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6. The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant The Swiss book - Switzerland: the country through which Hannibal went with his Elephants The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue? The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant. ------------------------------------------------------------ One morning Daddy bear came down to breakfast, to find his porridge bowl empty. Seeing this he growls, "Who's been eating my porridge?" Similarly Baby bear came down and foun his bowl empty also, at which he squeals, "Someone's gobbled up all my porridge!" At that moment Mummy bear came out of the kitchen and replied, "You stupid bastards, I haven't made it yet!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate V --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_west) OR (cate5.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:07:57 EST From: cate9.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX) Subject: Funky stuff - part 80 Quote: "Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Two male engineering students meet each other on campus. One says to the other "Hi Bill, Where did you get that new bike?" Bill replys "Well, I was walking to class the other day when this pretty co-ed rode up, jumped off her bike, took off all her clothes and said 'You can have anything you want!'" "Good idea", Bill's friend replied. "Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." ------------------------------------------------------------ Salman Rushdie plans to release another book soon. It's tentatively titled: "Buddah, You Fat Slob". ------------------------------------------------------------ "Khomeini's idea of 'opening up to the West' means allowing non-Muslims to hunt Rushdie." --Don Stevens ------------------------------------------------------------ [Answering machine tape] "We're not here right now; we've gone to England to kill Salman Rushdie." --Alex Reid ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IX --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_west) OR (cate9.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:00 EST From: cate5.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 82 Two men were at a poker game that had run late; 3:00 AM to be exact Man1: You know what I hate about these games? When I go home. I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight. Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home", run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, "How about a little love woman". And she never even moves. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How do you confuse a stupid person? A: 7. ------------------------------------------------------------ One day a journalist, hard-up for a story, was sitting on an Australian beach. As he gazed pensively out to sea, he saw a young woman thrashing about in the water. Upon further observation, he saw a shark circling her. His adrenalin pumping, he wondered what he could do to save her. Then a well built young man, who was jogging along the beach, suddenly dashed into the sea, karate chopped the shark, killing it, and helped the young woman swim to the beach. The excited journalist, seeing a fantastic story, ran up to the young man and said, "That was the most courageous thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm going to let the world know about this. You'll be famous. I can see it now, !" The young man turned to the journalist and said, "But I'm British." The journalist replied, without losing enthusiasm, "Oh, that doesn't matter." The next day, the headlines read, . ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What makes a woman pregnant, but not big-bellied? A: Sperm-light! ------------------------------------------------------------ "Exxon today announced that, following the Alaskan oil tanker disaster, they now have several hundred tonnes of dead seafood covered in oily grit. This is about 20 years supply for Mc Donald's Fillet-O-Fish." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate V --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_west) OR (cate5.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:04 EST From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 83 (From the San Jose Mercury News (3/31) (quoted from memory):) Press: Mr. Vice President, if you were to suddenly become President, do you think you would be up to the job? Dan Quayle: If such an unfortunate thing were to happen, yes, I believe I would be. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: what does a man with a ten-inch dick have for breakfast? A: well, this morning i had bacon, eggs, juice... ------------------------------------------------------------ A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar." ------------------------------------------------------------ If two is company and three is a crowd, what are four and five? Nine! ------------------------------------------------------------ Man comes home on night when his neighbour stops him: "You really should close them curtains in the evening, I could see you and your wife making love last night." "That's a goddamn lie! I wasn't even at home last night." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) "As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs -- a process that traditionally requires some debugging." --- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new computer system.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:06 EST From: cate4.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 84 Dad: "Would you like to have another brother or sister?" Kid: "I guess it's too late to say no." ------------------------------------------------------------ Three pregnant women were sitting in a maternity ward knitting. "I hope to have a girl, I'm knitting a lovely pink thing!" said one. "I hope to have a boy, I'm knitting a lovely blue thing!" said another. "I hope to have a spastic!", said the third, "What on earth for?" shouted the other two, "I've just fucked-up the sleeves!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his seeing eye dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light. First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them. After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the seeing eye dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck. The blind man responded "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass." ------------------------------------------------------------ The University of Utah has announced that they can turn seawater into fuel. Exxon's already doing that in Alaska. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a human? A: It depends on whether or not they think lightbulbs' rights are worth fighting for. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_east) OR (cate4.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:09 EST From: cate8.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 85 Q: What was Corazon Aquino's happiest hour? A: When she found out she had Imelda Marcos' shoe size. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What's do a pregnant woman and a burned cake have in common? A: You should have taken it out earlier. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill? A: A miracle. ------------------------------------------------------------ One day an engineer is going into a new grocery shop on the outskirts of town. When just inside, he sees a sign which says: "CONDOMS: SOLD & FITTED." He looks around and calls for service. Then, an exceptionally attractive young lady emerges. "Do you work here?",he asks. "Yes",she replied. "And is the statement ao the sign over there true?" The lady leans over the counter and says seductively, "Yes." "Tell me," he asks, "who fits them?" "I do," said the lady. "Well," said the engineer, "would you please wash your hands and give me a pound of tomatoes." ------------------------------------------------------------ Time: Early Sixties. Place: Yourtown, USA A young unmarried couple decides after a few dates that they are going to sleep together. So, the guy, Tom, goes to the local pharmacy to buy some condoms. Tom goes up to the pharmacy counter and asks the pharmacist for some Trojans, (just like the kid in Summer of '42). The pharmacist looks at Tom disgustedly and says, "What's wrong with you kids today, ya go on two dates and you wanna go to bed with each other. Why can't ya save sex for when ya get married. You should wait until you're married! Sex before marriage is a sin ya know." Well Tom calmed down the pharmacist and explained that his generation was a little different. He said that he and his girlfriend were just trying to act responsibly and take precautions against pregnancy and disease. The pharmacist conceded that times were changing and finally sold him the condoms. That same night Tom was invited over to his girlfriend Katey's house for dinner with the family. When they all sat down, Tom asked Katey's father if he could say grace. Her father said yes and Tom proceded to say a beautiful eleven minute grace thanking everyone from the Pilgrims to the President for the meal they were about to eat. After dinner Katey took Tom aside and smiling, said, "Tom, you never told me you were so religious!" Tom smiled back and said, "Well, Katey, you never told me you father was a pharmacist." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VIII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_east) OR (cate8.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:11 EST From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 86 This bloke pulls into a petrol station in Ireland and asks for five gallons of petrol. The attendant replies that they don't sell petrol. ``Don't sell petrol. What sort of a garage is this? Well, check the oil for me'' The attendant replies that they don't sell oil. ``What!! Top the radiator up for me then'' The attendant again replies that they don't have any water, and that, in fact, the garage is just a front for the IRA. ``In that case blow my tyres up'' ------------------------------------------------------------ A jetliner exploded just after takeoff, and crashed into a cemetery. So far, they've found four thousand bodies, and they're still digging. ------------------------------------------------------------ According to _The_Providence_Journal_, Claudine Schneider, a lawmaker from Rhode Island, mentioned to Dan Quayle during a conversation that she spoke fluent French. Quayle was very impressed by her language skills and replied by saying, "I was recently on tour of Latin America and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." ------------------------------------------------------------ There was a terrible auto accident, with body parts lying around. A very stupid policeman was filling out a form telling where the parts were. He was having some trouble spelling: "Torso, in ditch. t-o-r...s-o, in d-i-c-no, t-c-h. Head, in avenue. h-e-d-no, h-e-a-d, in a-v-i...a-v-e... d-i-t-c-h. ------------------------------------------------------------ NEWS BULLETIN!!! Today, in a tragic accident at the Exxon corporate headquarters, the fish truck "Prince William Express" slammed into the side of the main building of the new corporate headquarters spilling more than 20 tons of dead herring, salmon, sea otters and various other wildlife on to the pristine lawn of the Exxon complex. Skipper Joe Woodhead was passed out the in the sleeper compartment of the state-of-the-art fish truck when the truck struck the clearly-marked building. "Bobo", the skipper's dog, had the wheel at the time of the accident. Bobo, whose certification does not permit him to drive on planet earth, was unavailable for comment, and confirmed sources suggest he has a history of drug abuse. The skipper contends that he was not drunk at the time of the accident, but when he realized the seriousness of the spill he ran out to a local tavern and pounded down a half-dozen beers. Woodhead also contends that he told Bobo to give him a "Bud light", not a "hard right". The President of the Prince William Express Co. said that they would assume full responsibility for the spill and would submit a plan in about a month on the proposed clean-up procedure. He also stated that they ship over a million tons of seafood a year and that an accident like this is just the price we have to pay to eat fish. When asked about the clean-up equipment for such a spill, company officials commented that a small pickup with a shovel in it was in Gopher Spits, Iowa, but had a flat tire and therefore would be unable to be dispatched to the scene. On the market side of things, fish prices will increase by 20% for all species. Vice President Dan Quail flew to the texaco headquarters today and reported that there appeared to be no damage, and was returning to Washington, DC. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than $283 on the desk before the cashier. "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That route never brought in money like this! What happened?" "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:13 EST From: cate8.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 87 A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did _you_ make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop." ------------------------------------------------------------ A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked there's a knock at the door. The nun calls: "Who is it?" a voice answers: "A blind man". The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says: "Corrrrrrrrrrrr, and can I sell you a blind dearie...?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Knock, knock. Who's there? Death. Death wh.......... ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid? A: When you open her legs the lights go on. ------------------------------------------------------------ We're in Johannesburg. A policeman goes into a Lutheran church very early one Sunday morning and spots a black man kneeling before the altar. Policeman: Hey, Sambo, what you doin' in here? Black Man: I'se scrubbin' de floor, boss. Policeman: Well, get on wid it, an' don't let me catch you prayin'. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VIII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_east) OR (cate8.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) Dear Lord: I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On the other hand", again.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:16 EST From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 88 Q: What has one horn and gives milk? A: A milk lorry. ------------------------------------------------------------ There was once a young man whose house was on one side of central London and whose job was on the other. It was a highly lucrative job, and after a couple of years he bought himself one of the most expensive new cars you can imagine. It was really brightly coloured; the horn made a stentorian Beep-Beep, it went extremely fast, it made a lot of noise, and all the girls looked at you when you got out of it. But living in London has its drawbacks, and one of these was that he scarcely ever had the chance to drive the car at its top speed, and he found this ever so frustrating. He complained to a friend, who suggested that he take the car to Ireland. `Ireland had a huge road building program in the 19th century', the friend explained, `but there isn't the traffic there, and there's no speed limit'. [All these purported facts are entirely fictitious but this is a JOKE, not a tourist guide.] And immediately the young motorist booked his car on the ferry to Ireland. The journey took a day; he woke up early in Dublin and jumped into the driving seat. The car glided onto the main road south-west, and soon the houses disappeared and the countryside began, and the road lay straight and empty and wide and level and inviting before him. Down went the foot on the accelerator and the needle on the speedometer jerked clockwise: 120 mph, 130, 140... and then, as suddenly if they had appeared from nowhere, he saw a man and a donkey crossing the road in front of him: so unused to traffic that they hadn't bothered to look out for it. He swerved the car to the right, missing them both, but he could not stop in time and he crashed the car through a fence and hit an old tree in the nearby field. And the old man said to the donkey: `Sure, an' we just got out of dat field in time, didn't we!' ------------------------------------------------------------ Seems a mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now." Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well. "Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!" "Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in." The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet. The mute jumps from the table, screaming "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!" "VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'" ------------------------------------------------------------ A British officer spotted a "busker" (street singer/bum) at the bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The busker had a sign which read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Senor!!" ------------------------------------------------------------ As a child, Jesus asked his mother, "Who am I?" "The angel of the Lord came down and laid his hand upon me. You're the Son of God," was Mary's reply. Overhearing this, Joseph intoned, "He damn well better be." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) How doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail, And pour the waters of the Nile On every golden scale! How cheerfully he seems to grin, How neatly spreads his claws, And welcomes little fishes in, With gently smiling jaws! -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:19 EST From: cate9.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX) Subject: Funky stuff - part 89 Q: What do you call the Lada owner's manual? A: The bus timetable. ------------------------------------------------------------ In a small Alabama town, almost everybody was excited about the wedding that was comming up, but at the last moment, the groom called off the wedding. A puzzled drifter wanted to know why. PD: "Why did you call off the wedding so suddenly?" Former groom: "I just found out last night that she's a virgin!" Even more PD: "But why is that so bad?" FG father, leaping to his son's defense: "Hell, if she's not good enough for her own kin, she ain't good enough for my son!" ------------------------------------------------------------ About as much use as: - the pope's balls - an ashtray on a motorbike - an inflatable dartboard (for campers). ------------------------------------------------------------ Seen on the letter's page of the "Irish Times" Dear Sir, Sex is the best form of fusion at room temperature, yrs, etc. ------------------------------------------------------------ Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly gates, where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard. "Name" says St. Peter. "Margaret Thatcher" she replies. Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the name of our illustrious leader. "I'm sorry" he says,"you can't come in. Your place is downstairs , in hell. Mrs T. turns and walks down the stairs. A short time later the phone rings. St. Peter answers it and a voice says: "Hello Pete, It's the Devil speaking. You'll have to take that bloody woman after all - she's only been here 10 minutes and she's closed half the furnaces to reduce capacity" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IX --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_south) OR (cate9.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:22 EST From: cate9.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX) Subject: Funky stuff - part 90 David Letterman's 10 New Slogans for Exxon: 10. We've got oil to spare. 9. Exxon: The Eastern Airlines of the sea. 8. Anybody got a tissue? 7. Breathe a word of this to anyone, and we'll kill you. 6. Keeping your children safe from blood-thirsty marauding walruses. 5. Now sardines automatically come with oil. 4. Three Mile Island. Now THAT was an accident. 3. If it wasn't for us, American sea gulls would be covered with foreign oil. 2. Ecosystems, schmecosystems. 1. Hey, you try drinking 3 or 4 six-packs and then steering a huge oil tanker! ------------------------------------------------------------ Moses, returning from the mountain, spoke to his people: "The good news is we got them down to ten." "The bad news is that adultery is still one of them." ------------------------------------------------------------ This story was told to me by a family friend who is an Illinois State Trooper. One day he was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. He placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still atop his car. So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver. The driver looks at the trooper and says "No thanks, I just bought some." ------------------------------------------------------------ A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. The farmer mentioned the situation to the lake ranger. The ranger then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish. The ranger dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the ranger in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot. The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. Ranger: "I'm going to have to place you under arrest - I am a Ranger and you are fishing illegally!" The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the ranger. Stranger: "Are you gonna talk or fish?" ------------------------------------------------------------ A child, living in the inner city, goes on a school trip to see a farm. When he gets back home, he discusses the visit with his father. ``So how was your trip, son?'' says the father. ``It was really good Dad. We went round and saw all the animals. First we saw the goat, and it was really funny 'cos it had a big pointy beard; and then we saw the chickens, and they were dead good 'cos they were scratching in the ground and digging up worms; and then we saw a field full of fuckers; and then we went to see the woolly sheep...'' ``Hang on a minute,'' says the father, ``what was in that last field?'' ``What? The sheep?'' ``No, the one before that.'' ``Oh, the fuckers. Well, the teacher called them "heifers" but we knew what he meant.'' ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IX --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_east) OR (cate9.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) If anything can go wrong, it will.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:24 EST From: cate8.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 91 "When I was small, I used to pray to God for a bike. But then I realised that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness." ------------------------------------------------------------ Here's one people can tell to their grandmothers: Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated the contents of the strange envelope. One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines: ``Port Left Starboard Right'' ------------------------------------------------------------ A husband and wife were lying in bed one night. (Since they have small children, the universal-parent coding system for sex is washing machine.) The husband turned to his wife and said in a seductive voice "washing machine." The wife, being the hard working parent she is, was tired and she said "Not tonight, dear; I'm tired." He rolled away. Five minutes later, he rolled back over and repeated "Honey, washing machine." She said "I've got a headache." He rolled away again. Ten minutes later, the wife, feeling guilty, turned to her husband and said, "OK, washing machine." He replied. "That's OK. It was a small load and I did it by hand." ------------------------------------------------------------ It's a nice hot summers day and two men are playing golf on a course that is situated near a main road. As he is just about to tee off on the 10th hole one of the men notices a hearse driving slowly along the road. He stops in mid swing and places his club on the ground, turns round, faces the road and removes his hat in a solemn gesture. The second man turns round to him and says... M2: "Come off it, it's only a hearse." M1: "But you don't understand, its my wife's funeral..." ------------------------------------------------------------ The Eighteen Bottles I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. -- Author unknown ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VIII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_east) OR (cate8.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:27 EST From: cate6.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI) Subject: Funky stuff - part 92 How do you get 100 Liverpool supporters in a mini? Get the police to open the doors for them..... ------------------------------------------------------------ Which of the following doesn't belong? (a) meat (b) eggs (c) wife (d) blowjob. Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How do you get fresh air into a Russian church? A: You click on an icon, and a window opens. ------------------------------------------------------------ Entry in young woman's diary : Monday: Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends. Tuesday: Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends. Wednesday: Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away. Even the best of friends must part! ------------------------------------------------------------ Here's the punchline: This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VI --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_west) OR (cate6.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. -- W. C. Fields  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:29 EST From: cate4.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 94 Q: What's the differnce between an Iranian funeral and an English soccer match? A: They sell beer at an English soccer match. ------------------------------------------------------------ One day, when John was walking on the beach, he saw a girl crying in a wheelchair. He felt pity for her, so he walked up to her. -Why are you crying ? He asked. -I'm never been hugged in my life. No problem for John, he hugged the girl and she was happy. The next day, though, he was walking on the very same beach, and the very same girl sat there crying in that very same wheelchair. -Why are you crying ? He asked. -I've never been kissed in my life. No problem for John. He kissed the girl and she was happy. After a week, on a pier in Bournemouth (to be original...) he saw the very same girl, in another wheelchair, crying. (had to change >from that tedious beach) -Why are you crying ? He asked. -I've never beeen fucked in my life. No problem for John. He just lifted her out of the chair and threw her into the water. -Oh no, I can't swim! the girl screamed. -Yeah, I know, so now you're fucked ! ------------------------------------------------------------ A feeling common to most Canadians is that Americans, when met individually, can be so likable, while the country as a whole is not. The American I liked best in my travels about Europe was the young man I encountered one day at the Acropolis as tourists scrambled to record that crowning achievement high above smoggy Athens. He was standing outside the Parthenon, offering to operate the cameras carried by an endless series of puffing couples in pastels and pinks. He had grown so ashamed of the gaucheness and vulgarity of his fellow Americans throughout Europe that he decided the Parthenon -- the site of the photograph of a lifetime for Madge and Henry -- was the spot for revenge. He took all their pictures for them -- while carefully cutting off their heads or including only their feet. He cackled as he imagined all those tourists, safely back home in Iowa or Louisiana, finding out when the drugstore returned their Kodak prints that a saboteur with the same passport had betrayed them. Allan Fotheringham, in "Capitol Offences: Dr. Foth meets Uncle Sam" ------------------------------------------------------------ There's this pheasant standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree" sighs our feathered friend, "but I haven't got the energy." (bit of a lazy layabout pheazzy) "Why don't you nibble on some of my droppings" replies the bull sympathetically "they're packed with nutrients". So our hero pecks at a lump of dung and finds he has enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after some more eating he can reach the second branch, and so it continues. Two weeks later we find our plumed friend perched on the top of the tree proudly surveying the countryside where he is spotted by the local farmer. "What a beautiful creature" says the farmer as he dashes into the farmhouse. It is the work of an instant for him to emerge with a shotgun and blow the f**k out of the pheasant. The moral of this minor tragedy? Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there! ------------------------------------------------------------ Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town's Fire Alarm went off...one jumped up and headed for the door...his friend shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!"...Tom replied, "I'm not, but my girl friend's husband is!"..... ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_east) OR (cate4.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -- Charlie McCarthy  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:32 EST From: cate0.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate Floating point exception (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 95 "James, I've decided to commit suicide. Drive over that cliff." ------------------------------------------------------------ The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson, when a giant wave crashes onshore, sweeping the boy out to sea. The man looks up to the heavens and says "Oh Lord, this is my only grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief." Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man's feet. The grandfather looks to the heavens again and says, "He had a hat!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Three prisoners attempt an escape from Alcatraz, but are caught and must be punished. Prison Guard: "OK, the governor has prescribed punishment of three lashes each, but you may have on your back the covering of your choice. Jenkins, you first. What ya want on your back?" Jenkins: "Oil." PG: "OK, then. Slop it on. Good. Now... _ONE!_" Jenkins: " AAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHH!" PG: "_TWO!_" Jenkins: "Oh GOD! MERCY! MERCY!" PG: "_THREE!_" Jenkins: "AAAARRRghhhhh (faints)" PG: "Next, you Baxter, what do you want on your back?" Baxter (extra tough macho type of guy): "Nothing." PG: "Have it your way... _ONE!_" Baxter: "Didn't feel it." PG: "_TWO!_" Baxter: "Ha, ha, ha!" PG: "_THREE!_" Baxter: "No sweat." PG: "Finally you, Goldstein. What you want on your back?" Goldstein: "I'll have Baxter." ------------------------------------------------------------ A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. "I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think it's the one in the coffin." ------------------------------------------------------------ A farmer is about to visit his wife at hospital. He enters (at non-visiting hours), and is asked to sit down and wait. After half an hour, he began to be a bit nervous, so he started walking. After another half hour af walking in the waiting room, he began to explore the corridors. At the end of the first corridor there was a door. Next to the door was a push button, and a sign saying "push the button". "Why should I push the button?", the man thinks, and turns around. After two or three steps, he thinks "Maybe it's best to do as the sign says", so he turns around again, and pushes the button. Five seconds later, the door opens and a man asks "Yes? What can I do for you?" - Do for me??? I just pushed the button, the man says pointing at the sign. - Was there nothing you wanted??? - No. I just pushed the button. The man behind the door shakes his head and closes the door. Our hero, the farmer, starts his walk back to the waiting room. After a few minutes he enters the corridor again, and of course finds the door, button and sign again. He pushes the button, and out comes the man saying "Yes? What can I do for you?" - Nothing, sir, I just pushed the button. - Just pushed the button??? Isn't there anything you want? - No. I just did as the sign says, the farmer says, pointing at the sign. The man shakes his head and closes the door and our hero returns to the waiting room. After another few minutes he enters the corridor again. Again he finds the door, button and sign. Again he pushes the button and the man pops out saying "Ye.... You again! What's the matter with you! It seems as fools are growing on trees where you come from." - Yes, and here you just push the button, and they pop out, says the man. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate Floating point exception (core dumped) --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_south) OR (cate0.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) INVENTORY Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. Four be the things I'd been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:35 EST From: cate4.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 96 Mother supreme is praying in the chapel, when she hears from outside a lot of yelling and laughing. When she look out of the window, she sees all the sisters riding around on their new bikes. And they have fun! But because of this noise mother supreme can't concentrate on praying, so she goes out and says:" Sisters, please! A bit more quiet, or you all will have to put the saddles back!" ------------------------------------------------------------ It seems that in this small mid-western town a minister was given gifts by his congregation. An eldery woman comes up to him and presents him with several home-baked pies. He graciously accepts her gifts and heads for home. Later on, he and his friends decide to try these pies only to find that they are possibly the worst examples of Man's cooking skills yet to be discovered. Try as they might, they could not stomache the goods and finally were forced to dump the entire lot into the garbage. At the next week's service, the minister was greeted by the eldery woman again who asked, "Sir, did you enjoy my pies? I made them especially for you.." Not wishing to hurt the poor woman's feelings, and yet wishing to stay to the true course set for him, what could he do? Finally, inspiration hits upon him. "Madam, as God is my witness, I can truly say that no pie like yours lasts long around our house." ------------------------------------------------------------ This guy is in a bar, talking to this rather nice woman. He decides to try to get her to come home with him, and so eventually he persuades her to come back for coffee. So he's sitting there, on the sofa; they're on their 4th cup of Gold Blend, and he's got to think of something pretty sharpish. "I know," he thinks, "I'll casually mention breakfast." So he looks up and says, rather nonchalantly, "How do you like your eggs?" "Unfertilized, thanks!" ------------------------------------------------------------ What do you get if you cross a Mexican jumping bean with a cucumber? An organic vibrator! ------------------------------------------------------------ "Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave." "Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I ain't never going to stand in line again!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_east) OR (cate4.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about the matter than the others. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:38 EST From: cate4.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 97 Eastern Airlines recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?" ------------------------------------------------------------ There was a girl who just started working in a bank. Every day, she noticed that a very attractive man walked by her office. She discovered that he was the bank president and that he made quite a lot of money. She decided that she would like to get to know this man, but she was not quite sure what to do to get him to ask her out on a date. She went to her analyst and he gave her some advice. While she was around this man he suggested that she pretend a string was attached to the top of her head and that it hung down her left side to her waist. She was to also to pretend that a penny was attached to the end of the string. When she walked near this guy she was to pretend to hit the penny with her left hip. This, stated the analyst, would cause him to notice her. The next day, she passed the man in the hall and began moving her left hip. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the penny... hit the penny..." Just as the analyst predicted, the man noticed her and stopped to chat for a while. This worked well for a few days, but the man never did ask her out. She talked to her analyst again, and this time he told her to pretend that she also had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down to her right hip. Attached to this string was a nickel. As she walked near the man she was now to use her hips to first hit the penny and then hit the nickel. The next day at work, she saw the man and began moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the penny... hit the nickel..." Just as predicted, the man stopped her and asked her out on a date. After a few weeks and numerous dates later, the girl decided that she wanted this man to ask her to marry him. After talking to her analyst, he suggested she pretend she had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down her back to her bottom, and attached to this string was a dime. She was now to use her hips to hit all of these coins. The next day they had a date, and when she saw the man she began moving her hips again. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime..." That night, just as the analyst predicted, the man asked her to marry him. She was very happy, and began to make wedding plans. She also began to worry about her honeymoon because she was a virgin and was not well versed in the art of making love. She talked to her analyst again and this time he told her to pretend that one more string was attached to the top of her head and than it hung down in front of her to her private parts. He told her to hit the coins when she was making love to her new husband. A few weeks later her wedding day arrived. After the ceremony the newly married couple rushed of to their honeymoon. That night she went into the bathroom at the hotel and practiced moving her hips. "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter..." Soon they were in bed together and as they began making love she started moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... Oh, forget the small change... hit the quarter... hit the quarter... hit the quarter..." ------------------------------------------------------------ Red-tapism: Take a cage with apes. In the cage we hang a banana on a string, and put a stairs under it. Before long an ape goes to the stairs towards the banana, but as soon as it even touches the stairs, all apes are sprayed with water. After a while the same ape or another one makes another attempt, with the same result: all apes are sprayed. If later another ape tries to climb the stairs, the others will try to prevent it. Now we take one ape from the cage and put in a new one. The new ape sees the banana, and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror all other apes attack him. After another attempt he knows: if he wants to climb the stairs, he is beaten up. Then we remove a second ape and replace it by another new one. The newcommer goes to the stairs and gets beaten up. The previous new ape takes part in the punishment with enthousiasm. A third old ape is replaced by a third new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and get beaten up as well. Two of the apes who beat him, have no idea why you may not climb the stairs. We replace the fourth old ape, and the fifth, etc until all apes which ones have been sprayed with water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever tries to climb the stairs. "But Sir, why not?" "Because that's the way we do things here, lad." ------------------------------------------------------------ A certain vicar decided it was high time he informed his three triplet daughters about the "birds and the bees", and tested their chastity at the same time. Thus he approached his first daughter, dropped his trousers, pointed to his manhood, and asked his daughter if she knew what it was. "That's your cock", she replied. "You foul-mouthed young hussy, go and rinse your mouth out with soap!" stormed the enraged father. Still fuming, he approached his second daughter, dropped his trousers, pointed to his manhood, and asked his daughter if she knew what it was. "That's your dick", she replied. "Why, you daughter of Jezebel, you scarlet woman, go and dissolve your tongue in boiling nitric acid!" [or something] he ranted. In desperation, he sought his third daughter, dropped his trousers, pointed to his manhood, and asked if she knew what it was. "I've no idea", she replied. "Oh, my darling chaste young child!" he said in delight. "That, my dear, is my penis." To which she responded: "Call that a penis?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Q. Where do you find a tortoise with no legs? A. Where you left it. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_south) OR (cate4.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:41 EST From: cate0.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate Floating point exception (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 99 When questioned as to why he vetoed the minimum wage increase, George Bush is reported to have replied: "I didn't think Dan Quayle deserved a pay rise." ------------------------------------------------------------ (IEGOYC = Insert Ethnic Group Of Your Choice) IEGOYC 1: We've decided to keep pigs. IEGOYC 2: Where you going to keep them? IEGOYC 1: Oh, in the house seems the best place. IEGOYC 2: In the house?! What about all the shit? IEGOYC 1: Oh, the pigs'll soon get used to that. ------------------------------------------------------------ A tired traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night." Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!" "Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks." ------------------------------------------------------------ A guy walks into this sporting goods store in Alaska, immediately spys a rather haggerd-looking old salt of a store clerk sitting by the cash register. "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?" "Yep," answers the clerk. "Big bears?" "Yep." "Mean bears?" "Black bears?" "Yep." "GRIZZLIES???!" "Yep." "Got any bear bells?" "What's dat?" "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so bears know yer in the perimiter so's they can runs away ..." "Yep. Over yonder ..." "Great. I'll take one fer black bears, and one fer grizzlies. Say, how'd you know if yer in black bear country anyway?" "Look fer scatt." "Oh. Well, how how'd you know if there's GRIZZLIES????!" "Look fer scatt." "You just said that!" "Yeah. But grizzly scatt's differnt." "Well now, just what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?" "Bear bells." ------------------------------------------------------------ The weekly bulletin from a local church included the following: The ideal pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin, but never hurts anyone's feelings. He works from 8AM to midnight, and also serves as the church janitor. He makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, and donates $30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and has 40 years of experience. He makes 15 house calls a day and is always in his office. If your pastor does not measure up to these criteria, send this list to six other churches that are also dissatisfied with their pastor. Then, bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of the list. In one week you will receive 1,643 pastors. Surely one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its old pastor back in three months. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate Floating point exception (core dumped) --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_south) OR (cate0.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) "I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:43 EST From: engbert@cs.vu.nl (=Engbert Gerrit IJff) Subject: Funky stuff - part xx Q: What does NASA stand for? A: Need Another Seven Astronauts  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:46 EST From: raf@minnie.cs.su.OZ.AU (Robert Anton Fabian) Subject: Funny Songs Summary: Julie "The Deviate" Andrews These songs were written by some people here at uni and they have given me permission to post them here. They are to be sung to the tune of "My Favourite Things" (I just *knew* that movie had to be good for something) This was written by Fred Curtis (who is perfectly normal - really) Pointers to pointers to printf()-like functions; Unary minus and nested conjunctions; Integers, booleans, characters, strings; These are a few of my favourite things. Bach on a CD and good indentation; Not getting mugged while en route to the station; Fountains with wishes and Gnomes without slings; These are a few of my favourite things. When the bug bites! When core dumps! When the machine's had the I simply remember my favourite things And then I don't fell so sick. In response to which came the following song: WARNING: May be offensive - pretend that it's rot13'd This was written by someone who won't let me name him here but honestly, he's the most pious, kindhearted and morally pure person I know :-) The devil made him do it Fourteen inch dildos with straps of elastic Form fitting undies made out of clear plastic Five foot four women with haircuts like boys These are a few of my favourite toys. Warm sticky substances smeared on my belly Plastic containers filled with KY Jelly Women who can turn their tongues upside down These are a few of the best things I've found. When the whip cracks. When the straps snap. When I'm feeling glum. I think of the wonderful games that I've played. I let out a sigh and . Isn't it amazing what people trying to avoid work can get up to? BTW - I apologise for misspelling Dan Quayle's name in an earlier article (I was aping DimOne FeltHead at the time - a bad mistake), but then again I don't pay any attention to politics over here, why should I give a shit about your politics? raf -- Robert A Fabian | DISCLAIMER: The above views do not raf@basser.cs.su.oz.au | reflect those of my employer or ... Basser Department of Computer Science | Wait a minute. I'm a student. I don't University of Sydney | have a job! Who's got an employer? Whee!  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:48 EST From: kdq@demott.COM (Kevin D. Quitt) Subject: Re: Funny jokes that make no sense (was Re: Dada Humor) In article <2248@oucsace.cs.OHIOU.EDU> tswingle@oucsace.cs.OHIOU.EDU (Tom Swingle) writes: > >And the worst part was that after a while he actually thought he got the >joke. A friend of mine and I made up a chess variant that used the same pieces and moves, but we changed the board: we wrapped the back rows of the opposite teams together, then sliced the board diagonally and laid it back out flat (not physically, of course), so the starting position had both sets of pieces along the middle diagonal, with a rook alone in one corner, etc., etc. Moves were made according to chess rules, but with this setup, bishops (e.g.) would move orthogonally in one direction and make knight-like moves in the other (that's how it appeared). We had originally done this as an exercise in concentration (keeping the game in one's head). A friend of ours, who fancied himself quite a chess player, would come by and watch (being too proud to ask the rules). To keep it interesting, we would roll dice, (which had *nothing* to do with anything), and then occasionally make comments like "I was afraid you were going to move your queen, but with that roll...". And yes, after him watching a few games, he thought he had figured out how to play the game. (well, it was hilarious at the time). We never did tell him what was up. -- _ Kevin D. Quitt demott!kdq kdq@demott.com DeMott Electronics Co. 14707 Keswick St. Van Nuys, CA 91405-1266 VOICE (818) 988-4975 FAX (818) 997-1190 MODEM (818) 997-4496 PEP last 96.37% of all statistics are made up.  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:51 EST From: law@iccgcc.decnet.ab.com Subject: Funny names I would never bullshit a group full of bullshitters, but I actually talked to guy who was named Manley Hare on the telephone. And a good friend of mine swears he went to school with a Harry Wiener. By the way, since my last name is Law and I'm a EE, I was very tempted to name my first son Ohms or maybe Murphys. But even I can't be that pricky, at least not to my own offspring. RAMBOB  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:08:55 EST From: mlindsey@x102c.harris-atd.com (Lindsey MS 04396) Subject: Re: Funny names In article <1672.272bee3f@iccgcc.decnet.ab.com> law@iccgcc.decnet.ab.com writes: >I would never bullshit a group full of bullshitters, but I actually talked >to guy who was named Manley Hare on the telephone. And a good friend of mine >swears he went to school with a Harry Wiener. >RAMBOB When I went to the University of Florida (78-82), there was a girl named Bitch Suk Wang. Needless to say, she applied for an unlisted phone number. In the way of practical jokes, my roomate and I took a study break to buy some beer on a Spring afternoon. We decided to buy one of the generic Beaver mags because it had "phonograph sex" included. As it turned out, it had a plastic recording of an orgy on it. Since our next door neighboors were all young nurses, and my roomates and myself were all young perverts there was always lots of wild noises emanating from our building. Anyway, we lowered all the lights, put the speakers near the windows, and played the pornograph at a very loud volume. We almost died from laughing when we saw all of the neighboors looking out their windows and listening very intently to the moans, groans, and "fuck-me's". It was more fun than the cheap beer (Black Label, ughh!). "Waste your brain, wax your board, and pray for waves!" Woody in E.G.A.E. /earth is 98% full! Please delete anyone you can! (anonymous) $teve Lindsey |-) uunet!x102a!mlindsey (407) 727-5893 :-) mlindsey@x102a.ess.harris.com  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 30 Oct 90 17:09:29 EST From: cate4.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 100 A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What what to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, a JEDR responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla - for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her", and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union". The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third? "Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks". ------------------------------------------------------------ Definition of an Irishman: A little machine that turns Guiness into p*ss. ------------------------------------------------------------ In a company there are two employees, Jack and Jill. Both have been model employees and have been much valued by the firm. However, due to financial setbacks, the company is forced to let one of them go. But which one? The boss decides on a plan. He will watch Jack closely for one day, monitoring his performance. The next day, he will similarly scrutinize Jill. Then he will announce which one he is going to keep and which one will have to be fired. The first day, Jack comes in early. He works hard all morning, not even taking a coffee break. He skips lunch. He works hard all afternoon, doesn't spend any time on the phone, and leaves late. Noticing this, the boss begins to think, "If they're both such diligent workers, the choice is going to be even harder." The next day, Jill comes in late, complaining of a headache. She takes some aspirin and hangs out at the water fountain talking to her friends. She takes an extra long coffee break. She leaves early for lunch, and comes back late. She's unproductive in the afternoon, spending much of her time calling her friends and telling them how miserable she feels. She takes some more aspirin and leaves early. The boss takes note of this. His mind is made up. So the next day, the boss calls Jill into his office. He tells her, "Jill, you know I either have to lay you or Jack off." And she replies, "Well, you're going to have to jack off because *I've* got a headache." ------------------------------------------------------------ "I'm so sorry, but my karma ran over your dogma." ------------------------------------------------------------ It's a holiday and the Over-60 club of a small North of England town are boarding a coach for a trip to the seaside at Whitby. (How Nice!) As the last aged gentleman is walking along the aisle of the bus to his seat, the vehicle lurches into motion, causing him to stumble and land in the lap of a nearby old lady. During the chaos, his elbow pokes the old woman in the left breast. Regaining his feet, the old man says "I'm terribly sorry about that, but if your heart is as soft as your breast, I'm sure I'll see you in Heaven!!" To which the old lady replies "...and if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'll see you in Whitby." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_east) OR (cate4.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) Write-Protect Tab, n.: A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary inconvenience. -- Robb Russon  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:46:07 EST From: cate7.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 101 Three married couples, aged 20,30,40 years old, want to join the Orthodox Church of Sexual Repression. Near the end of the interview, the priest informs them that before they can be accepted they will have to pass one small test. They will have to abstain from all sex for a month. They all agree to try. A month later they are having their final interview with the cleric. He asks the 40 year old couple how they did. "Well, it wasn't too hard. I spent a lot of time in the workshop and she has a garden so we had plenty of other things to do. We did OK." the husband said. "Very good, my children. You are welcome in the Church. And how well did you manage?", he asked the 30 year old couple. "It was pretty difficult", the husband answered. "We thought about it all the time. We had to sleep in different beds and we prayed a lot. But we were celibate for the entire month." "Very good, my children. You are welcome in the Church. And how about you?", he asked the 20 year old couple. "Not too good, I'm afraid, Father. We did OK for the first week.", he said sheepishly. "By the second week we were going crazy with lust. Then one day during the third week my wife dropped a head of lettuce and when she bent over to pick it up, I... I weakened and took her right there." "I'm sorry my son, you are not welcome in the Church" "Yeah, and we're not too welcome at the grocery anymore either" ------------------------------------------------------------ A man went to Confession and said to the priest : "Forgive me, Father. I used the F-word this week." "Ah, my son. Tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word. After all, I can understand a person being provoked into using it." "Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that sailed straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced into the woods." "That is when you used the F-word. I can appreciate your frustration, my son, as I am a golfer myself." "No, I stayed cool at that point, Father. I then hit a perfect shot out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap." "Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point." "No, Father, I was calm even then. I got out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball stopped an inch from the cup." "Ah, that is when you used the F-word. How frustrating." "No, Father, I was still cool." "YOU MEAN YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT?!?!??!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A Persian in the market in old jerusalem buys a packet of pecan nuts. He hands one to his wife, who is dutifully following him around. After a while, she asks for another. "What for?", he replies, "They all taste the same". ------------------------------------------------------------ I think we're in for a bad spell of wether. ------------------------------------------------------------ An elderly English couple, the wife rather deaf, were visiting New York. They hail a cab and start out on a lengthy journey. It being New York, it isn't long before the driver starts talking. Driver: You're limeys, aren't you? Man: Aye, we are Wife: What did he say? M: He asked if we were English and I said we were W: Ah D: I was in England, during the war M: Oh aye W: What did he say? M: He said he was in England during the war W: Ah D: I was in Burnley, in Lancashire. You know it? M: Yes, that's where we come from W: What did he say? M: He said he was in England during the war - near Burnley W: Ah D: Do you know a patch of woodland just south of Burnley? M: Aye, I know it W: What did he say? M: He asked if we knew the woods south of Burnley and I said we did W: Ah D: You know, it was in those woods, during the war, I had the worst fuck I've ever had in my entire life. W: What did he say? M: He says he knows you. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_west) OR (cate7.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:46:12 EST From: cate6.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI) Subject: Funky stuff - part 102 The bear and the rabbit were having a shit in the forest. The bear asks the rabbit: "Does shit ever stick to your fur?" When the rabbit says no, the bear wipes his ass with it. ------------------------------------------------------------ Drive defensively -- buy a tank. ------------------------------------------------------------ Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends. ------------------------------------------------------------ Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality. ------------------------------------------------------------ It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VI --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_east) OR (cate6.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:46:16 EST From: cate8.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 103 Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. ------------------------------------------------------------ The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. ------------------------------------------------------------ Wasting time is an important part of life. ------------------------------------------------------------ 99 Excuses For Skipping Out Of Work Early --------------------------------------------------------- 1. My kids are locked outside. 2. My kids are locked inside. 3. My kids are stuck in the door. 4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies. 5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha bake cookies -- she's much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying. 6. The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come. 7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come. 8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up. 9. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to the ceremony. 10. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9). 11. I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half an hour it'll be locked up all weekend. 12. I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems wide awake). 13. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today. 14. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today. 15. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today. 16. My truss snapped. 17. My support hose popped. 18. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue. 19. I'm arranging financing for a house. 20. I'm arranging financing for a car. 21. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast. 22. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it. 23. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it. 24. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can't be used by just anybody. But if it's close to accurate, it's extremely effective. 25. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel. 26. I'm being sent to the moon by NASA. 27. It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale. 28. My back aches. 29. My stomach aches. 30. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover," especially if offered in the early afternoon.) 31. My biological clock is ticking. 32. I have to take my biological clock in for service. 33. My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached. 34. My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn. 35. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode. 36. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother. 37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister. 38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother. 39. I have to take my mother to the doctor. 40. I have to take my minister to the doctor. 41. I have to take my doctor to my minister. 42. I think I left the iron on. 43. I think I left the water on. 44. I think I left the refrigerator on. 45. I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings. 46. I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test. 47. I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom. 48. I have to have my waistband let out. 49. I have to have my watchband let out. 50. I have to have my son's rock band let out. 51. I'm having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won't be able to work afterwards. 52. I'm having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won't be able to work afterwards. 53. I'm having my hats checked this noon, and I'll be having a drop or two so I won't be able to work afterwards. 54. I'm having a root canal. 55. I'm having a tax audit. 56. I'm going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that beating a dead horse?) 57. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification. 58. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution. 59. I need to break into my kid's piggy bank while he's not home. 60. I have to renew my driver's license. 61. I have to get new license plates. 62. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver's license and get new license plates. 63. I've got an urgent session with my therapist. 64. I've got a really urgent session with my therapist. 65. I've ... I ... I'm not ... I don't ... I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS!! 66. I have to get my contact lenses fitted. 67. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted. 68. I have to get my big toe calibrated. 69. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town. 70. My rheumatism is acting up; there's going to be a terrible tornado. 71. My arthritis is acting up; there's going to be a terrible blizzard. 72. The pharaoh is acting up; there's going to be a terrible rain of frogs. 73. I need to give blood. 74. I need to give evidence. 75. I need to give up. 76. I'm going to my best friend's engagement party. 77. I'm going to my best friend's wedding. 78. I'm going to my best friend's divorce. (We all knew it wouldn't last; at the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.) 79. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return. 80. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don't pay them I'm going to be arrested. 81. The police are at the back door. Cover me. 82. I'm having my nails done. 83. I'm having my colors done. 84. I'm having my head examined. 85. I'm going to the bank. 86. I'm going to sleep. 87. I'm going over the edge. 88. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital. 89. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor. 90. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo. 91. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer. 92. I need to check into a rest home 93. I'm breaking in my shoes. 94. I'm breaking up with my boyfriend. 95. I'm breaking out. 96. I have to pick up my dry cleaning. 97. I have to pick out a car. 98. I have to pick on my kids. 99. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on Christian fundamentalists. I thought I'd go to a ball game instead. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What did the Romanian people light their houses with before they used candles? A: Electricity. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VIII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_east) OR (cate8.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:46:20 EST From: cate9.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate IX) Subject: Funky stuff - part 104 There were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other. "What are you here for?" he asks. "Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day, and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it, but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand off." "I don't blame you. So, what are you here for?" "Erm... well... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going to be... you know... I'm going to have the *operation*..." "Oh dear. I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog. Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely. "So," he asked, "What are you in here for?" "Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed. "Go on, tell me. Please..." "OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so I was feeling... you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't resist it!" admitted the dog. "Oh, so you're here for the operation too, then." "No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A man walks into a cake shop, goes up to the counter and asks for a doughnut. The assistant picks up a pair of silver tongs, retrieves a doughnut and places it on a dish. The customer says to the assistant "That's very hygenic using a pair of tongs to pick up the cake!" "Oh yes sir. This is a very clean shop." "Well in that case I think I'll also have a choclolate eclair too." So the assistant picks up the silver tongs and retrieves a chocolate eclair. While he's doing this the customer looks down and notices a piece of string sticking out the trouser fly of the assistant. "What's the string for?" asks the customer. "Well sir, it's such a hygenic shop that if I want to go to the toilet I must pull out my willy with the string. That way I don't touch it with my hands." The customer thought for a moment and said "Well how do you put it back in then?" "Oh that's easy," said the assistant "I use the tongs, silly!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Bumper sticker seen on Stealth bomber: "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THEN WE WASTED 50 BILLION BUCKS." ------------------------------------------------------------ Apparently this woman's minature schnauzer had an infection in its ear. The vet told her that it was due to an ingrown hair and that the best treatment would be to remove the hair with a depilatory cream. The women went to a drug store and asked the druggist for assistance in selecting an appropriate product. He went on about how some were better for use on legs and how some were gentler and better for removing facial hair. He then said "May I ask where you intend to use this?" She replied "Well, it's for my schnauzer." He said "OK, but you shouldn't ride a bike for two weeks." ------------------------------------------------------------ An Australian farmer is sitting on a stone near his farm, all in blood and crying. His neighbor is passing by. "What's wrong?" the neighbor asks. "I bought a new boomerang," the crying guy answered. "So, why are you crying?" the neighbor asks again. "I cannot throw away the old one..." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IX --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate9.osbu_east) OR (cate9.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:46:25 EST From: cate7.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 105 One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said: "I like this fucking place already!" ------------------------------------------------------------ An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip." The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today." ------------------------------------------------------------ A native went to his first cricket match and described it to his witchdoctor after he got back. He said "It was a beautiful sunny Sunday. A big crowd of people gathered around this giant grass field with a thin strip of mowed and flattened pitch in the middle. There were three sticks at either end of the strip. A man in a long overcoat came out with two men in sweaters and he tossed a coin in to the air. They went out and out came eleven men in sweaters and white pants. One of them was padded and had big gloves. Then out came two men with pads on their legs and small gloves holding big sticks. They took positions at either end of the strip and one of the other men came running towards the wickets and threw this ball at the person holding the stick. And lo and behold it started to pour. White man sure knows how to make rain" ------------------------------------------------------------ Two guys, Stan and Ed, were working a construction job digging a ditch. The foreman was at them all the time to keep busy. No breaks, just work, work, work! Finally it dawned on the two guys that the foreman left every day at 3:00 in the afternoon. So they decided to start leaving at 3:15. The very next day when the foreman left at 3:00, Stan and Ed left at 3:15. Stan goes home, walks through the house, opens the bedroom door, and there on the bed is his wife and the foreman. Stan quickly runs back to the job and digs like mad until 5:00. The next day when Ed arrives at work, Stan says, "Listen Ed, we can't knock off work any more at 3:15... I almost got caught!" ------------------------------------------------------------ NEW INFANTS MIRACLE DIET FOR OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE Flabby Americans are always on the look out for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet) or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after three days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends that you've got a gland problem? Or is there a slim hope? Such is the Infants' Miracle Diet. Over the years, you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians and distraught mothers, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offers great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on the diet however, be sure to check with your doctor, otherwise you might have to see him afterward. FIRST DAY: Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one peice of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickle, four sips of stale beer. Before Bedtime, toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. SECOND DAY: Breakfast: Pick up stale toast off kitchen floor and eat. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of Pulsating Pink Lipstick, and a cigarette (to be eaten not smoked). Ice cube if desired. After lunch, lick an all day sucker until sticky, take it outside and drop it in the dirt. Retrieve it and continue slurping until it is clean again. Bring it inside and drop it on the rug. Dinner: A rock or and an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon. THIRD DAY: Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub fingers in hair. Glass of milk, drink one-half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast pick up sucker from rug, lick off fuzz and put on cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee. LAST DAY: Breakfast: a quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive, pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add 1/2 cup sugar. When cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet, including bites of sandwich you spit out yesterday. One soft drink. Find sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_east) OR (cate7.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:46:28 EST From: cate8.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 106 Two ex-World War II American Generals were sat in a hotel bar, late at night, reminiscing over the old days. The first used to be in the Army, while the second spent his active service in the Navy. The first general insisted that the Army had the greatest reputation when it came to women, and that he had slept with hundreds during the war. However, the second was claiming that the Navy had, by far, the most virile young men, and that he has slept with more women than the first General. "Hoss-piss!!" said the first man "I jest know I's a slept with mow women than youse!" "Sheeeeet No!! - I know for a fact that I have!" "Ok then, when did you last sleep with a woman?" said the first General. "About nineteen forty-five" said the other. "You call that VIRILE!! Geez, you're practically CELIBATE!" So the second general looked at his watch and said "Well don't forget it is only twenty-one thirty now." ------------------------------------------------------------ MEMORANDUM From: Headquarters - New York To: General Managers Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet. MEMORANDUM From: General Manager To: Managers By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years. MEMORANDUM From: Manager To: All Department Chiefs By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years. MEMORANDUM From: Department Chief To: Section Chiefs Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn. MEMORANDUM From: Section Chief To: All EA's When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets. ------------------------------------------------------------ A leading defense analyst claims to have discovered the reasoning behind current US foreign policy. He says that the US were late for the last two world wars and want to make up for it by being *really* *punctual* this time. ------------------------------------------------------------ An American tourist in a taxi stopped at a pedestrian crossing controlled by traffic lights: -- Say driver, what's that beeping noise? -- Oh, that's to tell blind people that the lights have changed. -- (pause). Gee, in my country we don't let blind people drive! ------------------------------------------------------------ The following is a promotional spot heard on a college radio station: "Hello, this is God. Whenever I'm in Pittsburgh--which is all the time, since I'm omnipresent--I listen to all the radio stations at once, including WRCT." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VIII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_south) OR (cate8.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:46:32 EST From: cate5.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 107 A Belgian, Hans, meets one of his French friends, Pierre, in the street, and says: Hans: "Hi, Pierre! I haven't seen you for a long time! How are you? And your son, what is he doing now?" Pierre: "He is studying logic." Hans: "Logic!?! what is that?" Pierre: "It is a new, very good school in Paris. Ok, here is an example: You still have your aquarium, don't you?" Hans: "Yes!" Pierre: "So it means you like fishes!" Hans: "Obviously!" Pierre: "So it means you like animals." Hans: "Of course!" Pierre: "So it means you like the Earth." Hans: "That's right!" Pierre: "So it means you like women." Hans: "Yes!" Pierre: "So it means you're not homosexual!" Hans: "What a brilliant demonstration!!! Your son is very clever!" Very impressed, Hans carries on, and meets another friend: Hans: "Hi! Have you heard about Pierre's son?" Other: "No!?! What is he doing?" Hans: "He is studying Logic; it is very impressive! Look, an example: do you have an aquarium? Other: "No!" Hans: "So you're homosexual!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Paddy the Irishman is on holiday with his girlfriend in Las Vegas. One night they, after paying a fortune for tickets, they go out to a club where, as paddy assures his friend, they will mingle with the stars. Sure enough the place is full of stars, and everyone seems to know everyone else with "Hiya Madonna" and "how do Clint" all over the place. Paddy's girlfriend is decidedly unimpressed that Paddy knows none of these stars, and nobody is interested in talking to them. On a visit to the toilet Paddy finds himself standing beside Frank Sinatra. Paddy explains the problem to him, tells him that he has been a fan for years and has all the records and asks him to help him out. All he has to do is walk past Paddy's table and shout "Howya Paddy". Frank is in a good mood so agrees to do this. Twenty minutes later sure enough Frank walks up to the table where Paddy and his girlfriend are sitting alone talking. "Howya Paddy" shouts Frank. Paddy turns round and says "Will you ever f**k off Frank, can't you see that I'm talking to my girlfriend?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Two women are walking down the Falls road in Belfast. Says Maire to Brid "Don't them soldiers look very stupid wearing camouflage in the middle of the city?" Says Brid to Maire "What soldiers". ------------------------------------------------------------ Two IRA volunteers are waiting in ambush for an English army patrol that is due to pass at midday. It doesn't arrive at 12, or at 1 and by 2 Seamas is getting worried. "God Sean" says he, "they're awful late. I hope nothing's happened to them!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Computer Stories from a Field Service Engineer --------------------------------------------- When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been xeroxed. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: "Gee, how much does one of these weigh?" Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk.... The operator believed it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried: "What's wrong with the computer?" Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied: "Broken muffler belt." A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked: "Oh, that's bad. Can you call Midas?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I work for University Computing Services answering questions about any and all aspects of computing here, and as a result I run into some truly astonishing mental densities... A few excerpts from the Helpdesk: Caller: "What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?" HD: "Data Entry." Caller: "Thank you!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Overheard in a student computer lab: Client (raising hand and waving frantically): "The computer says 'Enter your name and press RETURN.' What do I do??" Lab Assistant: "Enter your name and press RETURN." Client (as if a revelation has struck): "Oh!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another friend of mine in a similar situation reports having a student in the lab one day, who had to abort out of the SET PASSWORD sequence because he couldn't think of a six-letter word. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate V --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_south) OR (cate5.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:46:58 EST From: cate6.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI) Subject: Funky stuff - part 108 A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted. "What sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the doctor. "Well," said the woman "I like to be..............ohh.... .....ah....ummm....I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it." "Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter......?" So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrased that she just turned bright red, and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright idea: "Look," he said "I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Ok? Is it a deal?" The woman considered the offer, and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. So after a slight pause she said: "Well my perversion is.......my perversion.......oh......I like to be kissed on the bottom!" "Shit Is that ALL!" said the doctor. "Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!" So the woman does as she is told, and undresses behind the screen. She gets down on all fours thinking to herself "Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum." Anyway, 15 minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see the doctor sat behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself. "Hey!" shouted the woman "I thought you said you were a pervert?" "Oh I am," said the doctor "I've just shit in your handbag." ------------------------------------------------------------ Teamwork ======== There are four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done. ------------------------------------------------------------ An old Jew and a young Jew are travelling on the train. The young Jew asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old Jew does not answer. "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old Jew keeps silent. "Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!" The old Jew says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're hand- some, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Three men sitting around a campfire telling stories. The conversation turns to medical miracles: First man: There's a guy who lives up the street from me who used to work in construction. One day last year his hand got run over by a bulldozer. Whatever those doctors did, it's really amazing - today he's a concert pianist. Second man: That's nothing. I knew a guy in college - laziest bum I ever knew. He was really fat and out of shape. He was trying to hitch a ride one day and got hit by a truck. Broke nearly every damn bone in his body. Somehow they put him back together better than he was before. Now he's a triathlete and he's planning to try out for the olympics. Third man: Yeah, well I knew this poor retarded kid. He couldn't do a whole lot, but someone at the dynamite factory got charitable and gave him a job as a stockboy. Anyways, he's working in the warehouse one day and gets locked in. It's dark and he can't find the door. Not being too bright, he lit a match to try and find his way. The whole place exploded. All they could find of him was his asshole and his eyebrows. From that little bit they were able to put him back together and today that kid is the governor of Massachusetts. ------------------------------------------------------------ Two retired English gents are sitting in their armchairs in a London Gentlemans club reading their respective papers. "By jove," said one "do you remember old Crotherrs during the war? Well it seems that they've found him after forty years living up a tree with a Gorilla!" "I say," said the second "male or female Gorilla?" "Well female of course, nothing queer about old Crotherrs." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VI --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_south) OR (cate6.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:01 EST From: cate6.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI) Subject: Funky stuff - part 109 A man marries a JEG/KfS [Joke Ethnic Group/Known for Stupidity] woman and all is well for a time. And, as such things happen, they eventually are going to have a baby. The woman's time comes, and as she is taken into the operating room, she calls he husband over and says to him: "Honey, there's something I really have to tell you." "Can't this wait" says the husband. "No", explains the wife. "There is as an very old tradition in JEG/KfS families that the oldest living male *always* gets to name any new children born to anyone in the family. That means my brother must name our children. I know this comes as a shock, but I couldn't tell you earlier, because I didn't want to upset you." "But, but..." sputters the husband "I *know* your brother. There's no question but that he'll screw this up!" "I'm sorry" says the wife, "but that's the way it has to be." Time is getting short, and not wanting to upset his wife any further, the husband finally relents. The blessed time comes, and to every one's surprise the mother gives birth to a set of healthy, beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. The father is of course delighted, but his happiness is tempered by the question he knows he must ask his wife. Finally, he can put it off no longer. "Alright" he asks, taking a deep breath, "what did your brother name our daughter?" "Denise" says the mother, quietly. "Oh", says the surprised father. "That's a pretty name. Perhaps this won't be so bad after all. What did he name our son?" "Denephew." ------------------------------------------------------------ In a zoo, a woman sees one of the zookeepers trying to push a Camel into an enclosure. The camel refuses to move one inch. The woman says to the (male) zookeeper, "Here, let me help." With that, she goes behind the camel for a few seconds. Suddenly with a shriek, the camel gallops away into the distance. The zoo keeper says, "What did you do?". The woman says, "I tickled his testicles". The zoo keeper says, "Well, tickle mine, I've got to catch the bugger now!" ------------------------------------------------------------ It's christmas time, and the postman rings at the door for an urgent letter. She opens the door, asking for his request. Taking the letter, she said: "Come in, postman. I'll give you coffee and a good breakfast". So he came in, took the meal. When he was ready, she said: "Come on, let's go to bed now." The postman was excited, went with her to bed, and they had fun together. Afterwards, the woman gave him a dollar-note. So he said:" What the hell is the reason, you made breakfast for me, went to bed with me, and know giving me a dollar? I suppose the rest was enough!" And she answered: "It is X-mas, and I asked my husband, what shall we give the mailman. And he said 'FUCK HIM, GIVE M A DOLLAR!' But the breakfast was my idea...." ------------------------------------------------------------ There _are_ some men who understand women. Unfortunately, they all spend their time in rooms with soft walls, talking to beings from Beta Lyrae. ------------------------------------------------------------ Never give advice to people - they won't take it and will then blame you because it didn't work! ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VI --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_south) OR (cate6.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:06 EST From: cate8.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 110 The human race has got to be the slowest and most boring sporting event ever started. ------------------------------------------------------------ When Grandma visits her grandson, he has to go to the little boys room. Only he isn't capable to go there alone so his mother says do I have to go with you? No says the little boy, I want Grandmother to go with me. Why Grandmother, ask his mother. Well Mom, Grandmother shakes when she holds him. ------------------------------------------------------------ A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing buisness." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY. ------------------------------------------------------------ A young sub-altern was posted to a British army detachment in the desert. On his tour of the facility with the master sergent, he noticed a group of camels. "What are those for?" "The men use them when they want to have sex..." "Don't say another word, sergent. That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. Get rid of those camels immediately!" "Yes, sir." A few weeks went by and the young officer began to get rather horny. He called the sergent over and asked "Where are the camels we used to have?" The sergent replied that he had sold them to a Bedouin that camped nearby. "Take me to them, please." The officer and the sergent went over to the Bedouin camp and found the camels. The officer told the sergent to leave him alone with the camels, then picked out the most attractive one, and proceeded to have sex with the camel. On the way back to the camp, the officer asked, "Sergeant, do the men actually enjoy sex with the camels?" The sergent looked at the officer in astonishment and exclaimed, "I don't know! They use them to ride into town where the girls are!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A Belgian rings the doorbell of a brothel. The porter answers: "Yes? What do you want?" "I want to, er, get together with one of the ladies." "Have you got money with you?" "Yes, I have $10." "I'm sorry, but that won't do. For such an amount of money you'd better jack off around the corner." A couple of minutes later the doorbell rings again. "Yes?" "You forgot the $10. Here you are." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VIII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate8.osbu_south) OR (cate8.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:09 EST From: cate5.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 111 A sailor walks into a bar with a wooden leg, hook hand and an eye patch over his eye. He and the barman starts to talk: Barman: "What happened to you?" Sailor: "Well, a whale bit off my leg, I was in a sword fight and lost my hand, and then a bird sh*t in my eyes" Barman: "You don't lose you eye even if a bird sh*ts in it!" Sailor: "It's easy when you have had the hook for only one week!!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------ One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a Gyn. appointment tommorow." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. Later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he wispers in her ear "Do you have a Dentist appointment tomorrow too?". ------------------------------------------------------------ VIKINGS HOME JOURNAL (Todays Journal for the modern viking) * Three fast and tasty village dog recipes for the working viking who doesn't have all day to cook. * War wound stitchery-Don't throw away those severed body parts. Needle point tips that can make that foot or arm good as new. * Surprising reader's poll: 9 out of 10 viking women are not satisfied in bed. Find out what they really want. * Burning pitch techniques that can really let you rain hell on your neighbors! * Surrounded by intellectuals-How one viking escaped. By David-the-Saxon. * Viking mid-life crisis-Is raping murdering and pillaging all there is? * Is your son a Pansy?-A candid article by Erick-the-Red which every father should read. * Don't let your viking tupperware party end in a blood bath-Do's and don'ts for a succesful evening. * Detroit unveils the New 89 line of warships-Faster, sleeker, fewer slaves in the galley! AT YOUR VILLAGE NEWSTANDS NOW ! ------------------------------------------------------------ The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With you," he said. "But George," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber." ------------------------------------------------------------ The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..." ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate V --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate5.osbu_west) OR (cate5.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:12 EST From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 112 A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?" ------------------------------------------------------------ A company in the Foreign Legion had spend three years in the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades. "And on the third day..." he began, "No! no! start with the first day." everyone yells out in chorus. "And on the third day, " the private continues " she asked me to stop so she could go to the bathroom..." ------------------------------------------------------------ On the wall of a church was a sign, "If you are tired of sin, come to see us!" And right below it in nice rounded letters; "But if you're not, my phone number is 341 3451" ------------------------------------------------------------ There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. "It's o.k.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible." So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!" ------------------------------------------------------------ On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other - a star of David. Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and the other was overlooked. Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe he'd get some more hand outs. "Get this guy," laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross wearing pal, "Trying to teach *us* how to do business!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:15 EST From: cate6.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VI) Subject: Funky stuff - part 113 A good looking chick walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it, and decided to swim. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the watchman appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited. -"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scoulded him. -"Hey! Only swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't" he replied. ------------------------------------------------------------ A young french girl was visiting New York when her cash funds run dry and her visa expired. She met a sailor who agreed to stow her aboard his ship that was about to sail. Every day he would bring her food and drink and in return all she had to do was give him a bit of love, lacking much choice the girl agreed. And so everyday the sailor brought some food and would get some loving in return. This went on for several weeks until the captain saw the sailor sneaking around with a tray of food and the whole affair was uncovered. The captain felt obliged to apologize to the girl: "I'm very sorry about all that has happened to you, but you have to admit the sailor is smart. Do you know you're on the Staten Island Ferry?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Discussion in a shop: - do you have two-watt lightbulbs, please? - for what? - no, two. - to what? - yes. - no. - grrrr.... ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How do you tell the age of a dead baby? A: Cut off its head and count the rings. ------------------------------------------------------------ A telephone call: - Hello! - Yes, who is this? - I'm Watt. - What's your name? - Watt's my name. - Yes, what's your name? - My name is John Watt. - John what? - Yes, are you Jones? - No, I'm Knott. - Will you tell me your name then? - Will Knott. - Why not? - My name is Knott. - Not what? - Not Watt, I'm Knott. - What? - Shut up! ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VI --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate6.osbu_south) OR (cate6.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:19 EST From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 114 New Product Announcement from Black & Decker Ever wondered if your parking ticket would be blown away by the wind, or that it would be placed without regard to aesthetics on your windscreen wiper ? If so, this is the device for you. An all plastic parking ticket holder, which fits snugly on your windscreen is available for 9.95$. A wide range of colors to suit your car. You will never miss a ticket again. ------------------------------------------------------------ A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums" The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop." Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide "The Drums have stopped, What happens now?" The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said "Bass Solo" ------------------------------------------------------------ Q. What's six foot long, grey and floats in the ocean? A. Moby's dick ------------------------------------------------------------ Q. What's the greatest drawback of the jungle? A. An elephant's foreskin. ------------------------------------------------------------ A man approaches his best friend's wife one day when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks. "No. My husband wouldn't approve." "O.K. What if I give you $1000?" "Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work." So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did(!!!). In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught: "Was my best friend here today?" "Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern. "And did he leave $1000?" "Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst. "Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:22 EST From: cate0.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate Illegal instruction (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 115 Once upon a time, the vicar was walking in the vicarage garden when he came to a lily pond. There was a little green frog sitting by the pond. "My, my, you're a nice little green frog, aren't you?" said the vicar. "I'm not really a little green frog" said the little green frog. "I'm really a choirboy, but a wicked witch put an evil curse on me, and turned me into a little green frog. The only way I can be turned back into a choirboy is if some kind mortal were to take me and put me in their bed for a whole night; then I would be restored to my former state." So the vicar, being a kindly sort, took the little green frog, and he placed it in his bed for a whole night, and in the morning, lo and behold, the little green frog was restored to his original form as a choirboy, and they all lived happily ever after. And that Milord is the case for the defense. ------------------------------------------------------------ Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Andy says,"I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy,"and I'd use the manual lever over there." "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," Andy continues,"I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case," persevered Andy,"I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there." "What if that was vandalised?" "Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas." This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?" Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash." ------------------------------------------------------------ On an airplane (probably in the first class) a man says to the stewardess 'I'll give you $5000 if I can bite your breast'. The stewardess is scared and goes to the captain and tells him about this. But the captain says '$5000? Why not? Go for it!'. So she sits on the man's lap and he starts undressing her, touching her, fundling her, kissing her ... (you name it). After ten minutes (or so) the stewardess becomes impatient and says 'Would you please bite my breast now?' But the man says 'Oh no, that's too expensive'. ------------------------------------------------------------ An couple decided to stay at a very exclusive, WASP only hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprized to find they owe $3000. 'How's this? We've only been here one night!' the man was annoyed. 'So?', said the manager, 'this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up.' 'But we didn't use any of these!' explained the couple. 'If you didn't use - that's your problem.' came the reply. 'In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill.' said the man. 'What do you mean?', the manager was taken off guard, 'I didn't sleep with your wife!' 'If you didn't use - that's your problem!!' ------------------------------------------------------------ A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor. Man: Doctor, I have a terrible problem. I just can't stop farting. Doctor: That is an unusual complaint. Take off your clothes and lay, stomach down, on the couch. The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute - the man farting all the time. Doctor: Ah ha! This should be easy to cure. Excuse me for a moment. The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp spike at one end. man: Oh my God! What are you going to do with that ?! Doctor: I need to open a window. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate Illegal instruction (core dumped) --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate0.osbu_west) OR (cate0.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:29 EST From: cate4.osbu_west@xerox.com (Henry Cate IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 116 Once there was this white elementary teacher of an all class. Thinking she would be cute; she announced to the class; "Every Thursday afternoon we will have a quiz. And, If any of you get the answer correct the entire class can have Friday off." The class murmers with excitement. "OK, class", she announces, "How many grains of sand on the Sahara Desert?". The class murmers in dissapointment as they look to each other for help. "Ok, class, see you tomorrow", announces the teacher. Later the next week. "OK, class time for our weekly quiz, now try real hard. How many gallons of water in the Atlantic ocean?", asks the teach. And again the class murmers in disappointment. Well, there is little Gregory pondering this problem. As the end of the next week rolls around he takes two of his brothers marbles and sneaks into his fathers shop to spray paint them black. As test time rolls around the teacher says, "Time for our little weekly quiz, children". At which, Gregory takes the black marbles from his pocket and rolls them toward the front of the class. "OK, who's the comedian with the black balls?" shouts the teacher. "Bill Cosby. See Ya on Monday", retorts Gregory. ------------------------------------------------------------ Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. ------------------------------------------------------------ An eager, but less than bright, young entrepreneur decides to go into the painting business. So he wanders into the rich part of town, paint brush in hand, and knocks at the door of a large house. "Good day, sir. I was wondering if you had any painting you need done." The owner of the house, a rich man by any standard, looks speculatively at the painter. He perceives a vibrant entrepreneurial spirit, which reminds him of his own ambition in his younger days. "Hmmm. Yes, I think my porch needs a coat or two of paint." The eager young painter rushes off around the side of the house... Several hours later, he returns to the front door, his clothes dripping paint, and knocks again. "Sir, I've finished! But I have to tell you, that wasn't a porch, it was a Ferrari." ------------------------------------------------------------ A small report from the first European space flight. The first European space flight is in progress. On board of the space ship are two pigs and a Belgian. During the flight the following conversation took place between ground control and the crew: Hello, this is Ground Control for Pig 1. Pig 1, are you reading me? Hello, here is pig 1 for Ground Control. Reading you loud and clear. Pig 1, how is everything? Everything under control Ground Control. No problems. Ok, pig 1. Just to check: can you repeat your instructions. Yes Ground Control, when coming in orbit, press the square button, and depress the round one. Ok pig 2, That's right. Over and out. Hello, this is Ground Control for Pig 2. Pig 2, are you reading me? Hello, here is pig 2 for Ground Control. What can I do for you. Pig 2, how is everything? Everything is going smoothly Ground Control. No problems. Pig 2, can you also repeat your instructions please. Yes Ground Control, when landing pull the red lever and push the blue one. Ok pig 2, That's right. Over and out. Hello, this is Ground Control for Belgian. Belgian, are you reading me? Hello, here is Belgian for Ground Control. Belgian, how is everything? Everything is going fine Ground Control. No problems. Belgian, please repeat your instructions. Yes Ground Control, feed the pigs twice a day, and be *&$@#& careful not to touch ANYTHING. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What do a condom and a BMW have in common? A: They both have a dick inside. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate IV --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate4.osbu_west) OR (cate4.osbu_west@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:31 EST From: cate7.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 117 The latest sports news: Real Madrid 1 - Surreal Madrid Fish ------------------------------------------------------------ Three women are chatting about the various attributes of their men ... 1st woman: I call my man Long John, because he's got a loong john. 2nd woman: Well I call my man Big Dick, 'cos he's got a biig dick. They then turn to look at their friend ... 3rd woman: Well I call my man Drambuie. 1st woman: What? That's a first class liquor isn't it? 3rd woman: That's right honey. ------------------------------------------------------------ Old west... A bar... All of a sudden, the door opens with a kick, and a cowboy in black enters... Black hat, black foulard, black shirt, black trousers, black boots, black gloves, black belt, and a black pair of guns... Everyone looks at him with fearful eyes. He approaches the barman, and asks: "Do you have a bucket?" Barman runs inside, finds a wooden bucket, comes back. The cowboy in black lookes to the bucket, and orders: "Now, bring me three bottles of whisky." Seconds later: "Pour them into the bucket." And, then: "And now, bring this to my horse outside." The frightened and surprised barman does what the cowboy in black tells. He finds a horse, black as night, tied in front of the bar, completely in black harness. It drinks all the whisky at once. Then the barman returns back inside the bar. The cowboy very carefully looks into the bucket, sees that nothing is left, and asks: "What do I owe for this?" Barman, while calculating the price, asks: "Won't you drink anything?" The cowboy in black replies: "No. I don't drink and drive." ------------------------------------------------------------ Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa stock, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked "Papa stork, where were you last night?" "Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa stork. Several weeks later, mama stork was late making dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked "Mama stork, where were you last night?" "Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork. Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, "Where the hell were you baby stork?" as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold. "Out scaring the shit out of college students," replied baby stork. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95 % of her intelligence? A: A widow. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_east) OR (cate7.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:33 EST From: cate7.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 118 There was a man who had been stranded on a desert island for the last twenty years, when all of a sudden a beatiful girl steps up from the see, wearing a wet suit. She: "Would you like a cigarette?" He: "Sure" (he takes one from the wet-suit, light it, and smokes it) She: "Would you like a martini?" He: "Sure" (he gets the very special 007 shaken, not stirred, martini from her wet suit) Then she says, with a strange gleam in her eye: "Would you like to play around" He: "I don't believe that you have got a set of golf clubs in there!" ------------------------------------------------------------ The man says to his wife: "We won't make it through this month without some additional money." The wife says nothing. Two days after she says to him: "I've been thinking. I decided to go prostituting" Then she shows him $100.25 The man says: "Who gave you the quarter?" She says: "They all gave me a quarter!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Honeymoon. Walking down 42nd Street they saw a sign advertising "The Great Gonzo" outside a theater and decided to give the show a try. So into the theater they went. There was a fanfare and The Great Gonzo came out on stage. He was a young man dressed only in a bathrobe. He opened the robe to show the biggest and hardest erection imaginable. Then he clapped his hands and a young woman emerged pushing a cart on the top of which were three walnuts. The Great Gonzo took his erect member in his hand and, one by one, smashed the walnuts to the thunderous applause of the audience. This year the couple decided to celebrate their 40th anniversary with a second honeymoon in New York City. While walking down 42nd Street they once again saw the sign advertising The Great Gonzo. With a bit of surprise they decided to check out the show again. Once they were in the theater the fanfare played and Gonzo, now an old man, appeared in his bathrobe. He opened the robe and there was the erection, as big and hard as ever. This time when he clapped his hands, his now-aged assistant appeared with a cart on which were three coconuts. To thunderous applause, he used his member to smash each of them. The couple couldn't resist going up to Gonzo after the show. They explained that they had seem him 40 years earlier. "But why," they asked, "did you switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well," he replied, "when you get old your eyes start to go." ------------------------------------------------------------ One attractive young businesswoman to another, over lunch: "My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying." ------------------------------------------------------------ There were those two Poles that went fishing. They found a lot of fish and filled the boat. One of them told the other to mark this area for later time. He cut his initials in the boat. Then they land the boat. Suddenly one of them says: "Ooh, are we stupid. Think what happens if we don't get the same boat!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_east) OR (cate7.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:36 EST From: cate7.osbu_east@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 119 There is a story about the first Polish astronauts in space. One of them went out for a space walk and came back and knocked on the spaceship door. The other astronaut said "Who is it?" ------------------------------------------------------------ A man was sitting at home with his wife and they were watching TV. He was a chain-smoker and suddenly runs out of his cigarettes. He says to his wife: "I'm going to the bar to get some more cigarettes". At the bar he sees this gorgeous and attractive girl. They start to talk and then they decide that he will go home with her. There they start f*cking each other. Suddenly the man looks at the clock: "Hey, its 0:30. Time for me to go home". He dressed, runs for the door, stop and says: "Do you have any talcum powder?" "Yes. Why?" "Sprinkle a little talcum on my hands" She sprinkles a little talcum on his hands, then he went to his wife. She YELLS: "Where the hell have you been?" "Well, I went to the bar, met this girl, went with her to her house where we made love to each other" She looks at his hands. "Don't lie to me. You met the boys and went bowling with them. I can see the talcum powder." ------------------------------------------------------------ Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. There are three morals to this story: 1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. 3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. ------------------------------------------------------------ Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what whey want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What the (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb) did you say?" "A prostitute!" Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant" ------------------------------------------------------------ Two English yuppies notice that an Irishman of all creatures has decided to visit their local pub. They decide to convince themselves that this guy is indeed as stupid as their prejudices would have it, and that in a - shall we say - rather intimidating fashion... So one of them walks up to him and says : - Say Paddy, did you know that St. Patrick was a %$&$@@ ? - No, says the Irishman, but thanks for telling me. - Paddy, did you also know that he was a &^%&$*%@@!!% ? - No, repeats the Irishman, but thanks for telling me. - And did you know that he was a big &^*&^ son of a $#%$#%$##$%%^ ? - No, says the Irishman, but thanks for telling me. The other yah walks up to the Irish guy and tries to finish it all off. - And Paddy, did you know that your beloved St. Patrick was ENGLISH ? - Well, no - but your friend just told me. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_east) OR (cate7.osbu_east@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:44 EST From: cate7.osbu_south@xerox.com (Henry Cate VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 120 One year at halloween the governor of Illinois was giving a costume party. all the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were. When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse". As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane" and so on as each guest arrived. Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe. "Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department The doorman asked "How shall I announce you?" The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation" "I'm very sorry sir" said the doorman in obvious shock I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering. "O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants" ------------------------------------------------------------ Three seminarians about to undergo their final test before ordination were taken by an old priest into a luxurious room, told to strip and then tie a small bell around their organ. Suddenly a ravishing girl entered the room, an one bell ding-a-linged furiously. "To the showers, Fogarty!" barked the old priest. Then, as the girl tantalizingly undressed, the father heard ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling. "Sorry about that, O'Brian. The showers for you, too." Finally alone with the naked lovely, the remaining seminarian watched as the girl writhed seductively about him; yet he somehow remained calm and the bell silent. "Praise the Lord and congratulations, Featherstone!" the priest exulted. "You made it! Now go join those weaker souls in the showers." DING-A-LING. ------------------------------------------------------------ A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The busdriver insulted me" she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What do you get when you cross a frigid woman with an Apple? A: A computer that won't go down! ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Why are fat girls like mopeds? A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you. ------------------------------------------------------------ Henry Cate VII --------------- (ucbvax!xerox.com!cate7.osbu_south) OR (cate7.osbu_south@Xerox.Com) To clear the record, the postings by cate3 are not ours. We don't know whose they are. They appear to be someone's idea of a joke. (Our Model 3 has been upgraded. Is this another Soviet clone?)  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:47 EST From: etac7@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 121 1st Person : I'm a philatelist - I collect stamps. 2nd person : I'm a lepedoptorist - I collect butterflies. 3rd person : I'm a bastard - I collect the poll tax! ------------------------------------------------------------ How do you locate your car in a big parking lot? 1. Divide the lot in two and decide in which half your car is. 2. Then you go into that half and start again from step 1 until there is only one car left. This is your car. 3. Drive away. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What to you call a man with a seagull on his head? A: Cliff. Q: What do you call a man with a spade in his head? A: Doug. Q: What do you call a man without a spade in his head? A: Douglas. ------------------------------------------------------------ A woman enters the butcher's. "One of those sausages, please." "Sliced?" "No, my pussy ain't a coin machine." ------------------------------------------------------------ Cartoon Laws Contributed by Trevor Paquette & Lt. Justin D. Baldwin Cartoon Law I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over. Cartoon Law II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease. Cartoon Law III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout- perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. Cartoon Law IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful. Cartoon Law V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. Cartoon Law VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. Cartoon Law VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science. Cartoon Law VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container. Cartoon Law IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead. Cartoon Law X. Everything falls faster than an anvil. Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons. -From: paquette@cpsc.ucalgary.ca (Trevor Paquette) -From: baldwin@usna.MIL (LT Justin D. Baldwin ) ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac VII --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac7) OR (etac7@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ...  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:49 EST From: etac5@nowhere (Yrneh Etac V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 122 It seems this guy was an incurable practical joker, particularly when people got married. So when he got engaged he became very nervous and was constantly looking out for retaliation. But everything went smoothly. No problems at the wedding or the reception, and he and his bride left for their honeymoon. After a long and wonderful night together they decide to use room service to order breakfast. He reaches for the phone: Happy groom: "This is room 435. We'd like to order breakfast sent up." Room service: "For how many people?" Happy groom: "2" from under the bed: "Make it 5!" ------------------------------------------------------------ You help a man in trouble and he will never forget you. Especially the next time he is in trouble. ------------------------------------------------------------ "I'd give a thousand dollars to the man who would worry for me!" "You're on. Now, where is those thousand dollars?" "That is your first worry!" ------------------------------------------------------------ There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons. The first one says "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City." The second one says "My son has done better than that. He is the best Doctor in New York City." The third one says "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two great boyfriends....One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the city." ------------------------------------------------------------ Reminds me of another story. A black man and a white man were discussing God. The white man was certain that God was white, and the black man equally sure that he was black. Eventually they decide to resolve the matter once and all the next Sunday by praying in Church and asking God directly. So they do that. and to their surprise a great booming voice comes down >from above, saying "I Am what I Am". "There you are," said the white man, "that proves it. God is white." "How come? All he said was 'I am what I am'." "That's just it! If God is black he'd have said 'I Is what I Is.'." ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac V --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac5) OR (etac5@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ...  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:52 EST From: etac7@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 123 A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. "It happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world," she boasted. "The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this one, which is called Lipshitz." "What a diamond!" "How lucky you are!" "Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel ", said the diamonded lady, "Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous Lipshitz curse!" The ladies buzzed and tsked, "And what's the Lipshitz curse?" "Lipshitz," sighed the lady. ------------------------------------------------------------ They have a new test at the Finnish police headquarters: count to 20 without taking your shoes off. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How many East Germans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. No, four. Hold on a minute, better make that three... ------------------------------------------------------------ A poster in sci.astro asked why the moon appears larger on the horizon than at the zenith. The following responses appeared: (excerpts, revised) From: brad@looking.UUCP (Brad Templeton) Date: 16 Aug 87 Subject: The real truth about the moon Newsgroups: sci.astro Actually the moon appears so much larger because it is almost twice as close to you when on the horizon as it is when it is overhead. When the moon is on the horizon, it is attracted by all the mass of the Earth you see running from where you are standing to the point on the horizon where you see the moon. Up above you, there is no mass of Earth between you and the moon, so the force is less. The massive force brings the moon much closer when it rises and sets. As it gets higher, the force is less, and it moves further away. Then it comes back in again. The moon is actually closest to the Earth when below the horizon, only you can't see it then. Those of us on the other side of the Earth actually get a really good view. Apollo reached the moon by leaving from the other side of the Earth when the moon was close. _________ From: al@gtx.com (0732) Date: 20 Aug 87 Subject: Re: The real truth about the moon Newsgroups: sci.astro,talk.bizarre Of course, no one who lacks even a cursory knowledge of elementary physics can doubt that the above explanations have merit, but the primary effect is a physiological one. As one tilts his head back to observe the moon at the zenith, the lens of the eye is flattened by gravity and its magnifying power is decreased. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Kiwi's what does that make Cheeta? A: Smarter than the pair of them. ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac VII --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac7) OR (etac7@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ...  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:54 EST From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Illegal instruction (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 124 Two [IYFEG] are watching a movie on their TV. One of them says to the other : "I bet ten bucks that the bandit will see the hero and avoid being shot ! -OK !", answers the other. Then the bandit is shot to death by the hero... The first [IYFEG] gives the money to his friend and mumbles : "I don't understand... I have already seen that movie before ! -So why did you bet on the bandit rather on the hero ?!?! -I thought this idiot could have learned from the first time !!!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What is the difference between a LADA and a golf-ball? A: You can drive a golf_Ball 360 yards... ------------------------------------------------------------ A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh." ------------------------------------------------------------ Q. Why do you feed babies baked beans? A. So you can find them in the dark. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q. Whats red and climbs up your leg? A. A homesick abortion. ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac Illegal instruction (core dumped) --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ...  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:47:57 EST From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Illegal instruction (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 125 Q. What goes bounce, bounce, bounce, thud? A. A baby falling down the stairs. ------------------------------------------------------------ Two tramps walking down a road feeling sorry for themselves since they've had nothing to eat for 2 weeks. Then one of them spots a dead dog lying by the side of the road. He rushes over to it, pulls of a leg and starts chewing. The other tramp looks on in disgust not wishing to join in on the feasting. His friend looks up from his meal and asks, "Dont you want any?". He says nothing, but screws up his face and turns away. After his friend has eaten all he can they both continue on their journey down the road. They haven't gone far when the tramp who ate the dog throws up on the road. His friend bends down and starts to eat the bits of meat in the sick. The other tramp looks on in wonder and finally ask his friend, "I thought you didn't like dead dog?". "I do..", says the other tramp, "But only when it's warm!". ------------------------------------------------------------ Women about men: Men are like cars, you have to be careful not to get under them... Men about women: Women are like buses, if you miss one there will always come a new one... ------------------------------------------------------------ There were two identical twin brothers by the name of Jones. John was married but Joe, the other brother was single and the owner of a small delapidated boat. It happened that the same day that John's wife died,Joe's boat sank. A kind old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking him for his brother John, said, "Oh Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible." Joe said, "Well, I'm not a bit sorry. She was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up; she smelled of old fish even from the first time I got on her. She made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad hole in the front, and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when anyone else used her, she leaked all over the place. What finished her, though, was four guys from the other side of town came over looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented her, but warned them that she wasn't too hot. But they insisted that they would like to give her a try. The result was that the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too much for her, she cracked right down the middle." The old lady fainted. ------------------------------------------------------------ 'The World According to Student Bloopers' by Richard Lederer St. Paul's School (Spring 1987, Verbatim, The Language Quarterly, Vol. XIII, No. 4) The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenburg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks were crowing. Finally, The colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world. and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac Illegal instruction (core dumped) --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ...  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:48:00 EST From: etac4@nowhere (Yrneh Etac IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 126 I was sitting behind a car at a stop light the other day and I noticed that it had a bumper sticker that read "Honk if you love Jesus". So I thought about it a bit and since I loved Jesus, I honked my horn. I was very surprised when the driver of the car got out and yelled, "The light is still red you asshole!!!!" got back in the car and drove off through the light which had just turned green. ------------------------------------------------------------ Young and fresh husband said to his newlywed wife: I feel like being in paradise with you... ... because we have no clothes to wear and the LandLord wants to kick us out! ------------------------------------------------------------ Two typical Londen drunks having their beers at the bar in a pub. It's a London pub with a nice an cosy wallfire, a big carpet on the floor. On the carpet there is a dog,... licking his bollocks. You know, like dogs do! One drunk turned around, and said: "Hey George, I wish I could do that". George said: "Give him a biscuit! He might let you." ------------------------------------------------------------ To: All employees Re: Special High Intensity Training In order to insure that we continue to produce the higest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all empoyees well trained through our program of " SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other employer in the state. If you feel you do not recieve your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your immediate supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list of special attention. ------------------------------------------------------------ What goes plink, plink fizz? Two babies in an acid bath. ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac IV --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac4) OR (etac4@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ...  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:48:02 EST From: etac4@nowhere (Yrneh Etac IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 127 This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no *man* has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with 8-9 beautiful, dark, young women, all in nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was. "He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir", came the reply, "This is his morning ritual." "Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?" The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation. "Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return. "He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'" ------------------------------------------------------------ A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?" The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life." "Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!" ------------------------------------------------------------ There was this man in a restaurant who had ordered some soup. But the waiter kept him waiting (what else does a waiter do). The guy sitting next to him *did* have a dish with soup in front of him on the table, but he wasn't eating it. So our man takes this dish with soup and starts eating. When he's almost finished he noticed a dirty hairy comb lying on the bottom of the dish, so he puked all the soup back into the dish. Says the guy next to him: "That's just as far as I got." ------------------------------------------------------------ Two english gentlemen were sitting by the river Thames, fishing. Suddenly one of them hauled up a beautiful mermaid. The happy man sat with the mermaid on his knee for almost five minutes before he suddenly threw her back into the river. "But why?" the other gentleman asked in a shocked voice. "But how?" the first one answered. ------------------------------------------------------------ What screams and can't turn round in corridors? A baby with a javelin through its neck. ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac IV --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac4) OR (etac4@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ...  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:48:11 EST From: etac9@nowhere (Yrneh Etac IX) Subject: Funky stuff - part 128 Have you heard about the [IYFEG] who locked his keys in the car? He thought for an hour how he could get his family out..... ------------------------------------------------------------ These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri. Music Education Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this. Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of. Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead. An opera is a song of bigly size. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after. When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel. I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say. Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America. A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium. Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago. Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys. My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby. My favorite composer is Opus. A harp is a nude piano. A tuba is much larger than its name. Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras. You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos. Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good. A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound. While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves. The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge. When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody. Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums. Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS! A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard. Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble. Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes. The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good. For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch. I can't reach the brakes on this piano! The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up. Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor. Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types. The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument. The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose. A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so. Tubas are a bit too much. Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra. I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best? My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best. It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm. Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed. Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter, collected by Harold Dunn. ------------------------------------------------------------ And there there were these three nuns, who died and went to heaven, like true nuns do. Being in heaven, they are rewarded by the High one, for the fulfilling of their holy duties. Their reward is being someone they choose, for three weeks. The first nun Chooses to be Marilyn Monroe, for, as the nun explains, Marilyn was considered the Goddess of love. Likewise, the second nun chooses to be Jayne Mansfield, because she was someone who shamelessly enjoyed everything in life. After listening to the first two nuns, the third considered, and said: "I want to be Sahara Pipelines, because a few weeks before I died, I read in some magazine: `Sahara pipelines laid by 3000 Men'!" ------------------------------------------------------------ How does the [IYFEG] prepare for a trip in ALASKA? "Remember to pack a six-pack in case I have to leave a message in the snow!" ------------------------------------------------------------ How do you make a Belgian spill his pint? Ask him the time. ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac IX --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac9) OR (etac9@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ...  0, unseen,, *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:48:14 EST From: etac4@nowhere (Yrneh Etac IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 129 A woman gets on a bus with three sets of twins. Driver: Gosh, lady, do you always get twins? Woman: Not always - hundreds of times we don't get anything at all. ------------------------------------------------------------ PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION by Peter C. Olsen A bold new proposal for matching high-technology people and professions Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and foolproof test to determine the best match between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited. The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined below. The subject should be assigned to the general job classification that best matches the observed behavior. CLASSIFICATION GUIDLINES Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate excercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an excercise for their graduate students. Computer scientists hunt elephants by excercising Algorithm A: 1. Go to Africa. 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope. 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west. 4. During each traverse pass, a. Catch each animl seen. b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant. c. Stop when a match is detected. Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees. Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant. Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves. Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant. Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants. Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them. Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping. Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence. Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices. Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep. Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants. ------------------------------------------------------------ One fine afternoon somewhere in Scotland an elderly gentleman tries to get into the local betting office. Much to his surprise, the door is locked. After a few more futile attempts at opening the door a man sticks his head out of a window. It turns out to be the bookmaker himself : - Sorry, but we're closed today ! The elderly gentleman promptly replies: - But there's a sign on the door saying : Open : 9 - 4, and it's only half past eleven ! to which the bookmaker says: - But those are not the opening hours; they are the odds that we're open today. ------------------------------------------------------------ Johny comes home and shouted: "Hello darling I'm back. I brought you a present". She responded: "Oh hello darling, what is it? I like presents". "It's a vibrator!", he said. She: "Oh, what do I do with a vibrator, with a prick like your's?" He: "Now, I have to work on the roads for six weeks in England, so I thought you might go on with it, eh" After two weeks he phoned home: He: "Hello darling." She: "Oh, hello." He: "How are you?", She: "Fine fine." He: "And how are the kids?" She: "Great, great." He: "And how are you doing with the vibrator I gave you?" She: "Oh, not so good, ... it knocked six of my theeth out!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Dave and his mum went to the zoo. Dave enjoyed watching the ferocious animals but there was something even more interesting here, something that the boy had not seen before ... skunks! "Mummy, mummy", he said, "I must have a skunk, I must, I must!!!" "Well ok, my boy, but we'll have to steal one as you can't buy them in the shops." "But mummy where could we hide it to smuggle it out?", Dave asked curiously. "Oh that's no problem: I'll hide it down my pants!", his mum said. "But wot about the smell?", Dave asked. "Oh that's no problem, if it dies we can always steal another!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac IV --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac4) OR (etac4@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ...  1,, Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:48:17 EST From: etac7@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 130 *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 4 Nov 90 13:48:17 EST From: etac7@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 130 Q. What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A. A billiard table. ------------------------------------------------------------ Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates. St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?" 1st nun : "Adam and Eve" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates. St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?" 2nd nun : "An apple" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates. And finally it came the turn of the last nun. St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?" After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates! ------------------------------------------------------------ This guy and this girl are rampantly having sex. During a lull in the passion, the guy asks the girl to turn over. "Why?" asks the girl. "Because I want to try something different," says the guy. "That's perverted!" says the girl. "What did you say?" asks the guy. "I said that's perverted". "Shit," says the guy, "that's a big word for a five year-old". ------------------------------------------------------------ Last week a woman entered a local pet-shop with the intention of purchasing a talking bird. However, it seems alot of people are going to receive talking parrots for Christmas this year, as the shopkeeper had sold her entire stock of speaking pets, except for one rather attractive Macaw. It turned out that this bird had lived in the local massage parlour prior to being sold to the pet-shop. Despite this the woman purchased the Macaw and took him home to show the family. As soon as she had the bird settled on a perch at her home he looked around and said: "Arrrk, new joint, new madam! Arrrk!" Later that day the woman's two daughters arrived home from high school. Upon seeing the teenagers the Macaw yelled: "Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls! Arrrk!" Then father came home from the office and when our feathered friend saw him the bird squawked: "Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls, same old customers. G'day Jimmy!" ------------------------------------------------------------ It was the 1st day of school. The 2nd grade teacher asked some of her students to tell the class a story of something that had happened to them over the summer break in which they learned a moral. The first student stood up and said, "Well, I went to my father's farm, and oneday we counted the eggs in the chicken coupe to see how many chicks we would get, but that night a wolf came and ate 1/2 of the eggs. The moral I learned was don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "Very good," said the teacher. The second student stood up and said, "Well, one day my mother sent me to the market to get some milk, and on my way home, I got beat up by the neighbor bully who spilled my milk all over the ground. I went home crying to my mother. And she said not to cry over spilled milk." Very good," said the teacher. The third student stood up and said, "My father told me one of his war stories, and it went like this. He was stranded in a fox hole with only one bottle of Jack Daniels, 12 rounds of ammo, and 2 grenades. Well he drank the whiskey, then the enemy came. He shot up 12 guys, and blew up 20 more with the grenades." "Well, what moral could you have possibly have gotten >from such a story?" asked the teacher. "Don't fuck with my dad when he's drunk." ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac VII --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac7) OR (etac7@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ... From etac0@nowhere) Fri Nov 9 22:21:59 1990 From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Illegal instruction (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 131 1st Londoner: When's the next train fer 'Ammersmiff? (When's the next train for Hammersmith?) 2nd Londoner: Due now. 1st Londoner: Wouldn't ask yer if I did! ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Whats red and invisible ? A: Bloody Nothing!! ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Whats red and read? A: A sentence with a period. ------------------------------------------------------------ What is the name of the President of Lebanon? But answer quickly! ------------------------------------------------------------ A couple has a male friend from visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeping him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning. "Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right. After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me." "Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his ass. He won't even wake up." So the friend does so, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed. After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's ass, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side. Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "It's bad enough that you're fucking my wife, but could you at least stop using my ass for a scoreboard?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac Illegal instruction (core dumped) --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ... From etac4@nowhere Fri Nov 9 22:22:04 1990 From: etac4@nowhere (Yrneh Etac IV) Subject: Funky stuff - part 132 One night some guy from East-Germany goes to a party on his bycicle. Arriving at the party adress he parks his bike at the nearest wall and make's sure the thing is locked so it won't be stolen when he wants to go home. He has got a terific time and meets lots of people and fills himself with a large amount of alcohol. Eventually, it's very late in the evening, better to say early in the morninwhen he decides it's time to go home. So he goes down the stairs as best as possible, opens the door, look at his bike .... what do you think .........? The wall's gone ! ------------------------------------------------------------ adjective: a chemical they put in your food allocator: dangerous animal resembling a crocodile ambience: special van that takes people to hospital anomalous: doesn't have a name antimony: money paid to a former spouse aromatic: works by itself without manual control bowels: the letters a, e, i, o and u carnivore: people dancing and playing music in the street catalyst: a man with lots and lots of money citation: place where a train stops cola: two dots combatant: capable of doing his job commutator: a person who travels daily between home and work commuter: a machine that does sums conservation: two people talking dejection: processing that occurs in the stomach and intestates deportment: part of an organisation diffuse: to prevent from exploding dissertation: pausing uncertainly, or dithering electorate: you have to plug it in to make it work element: large animal with a trunk elicit: you're not supposed to have one elocution: an electric shock kills you elusion: something you can see but it's not really there evacuate: to turn to vapour and vanish extensive: costs a lot of money faction: a half, a quarter, a third, etc. formerly: in the correct manner germanium: a sort of flower guerilla: a large ape hypotenuse: large grey animal that lives in swamps incest: small animals with six legs insulant: impolite; rude interminable: within the organisation only intestate: part of the body that absorbs food invincible: you can't see it lesion: listening to the teacher mammary: the ability to recollect the past manual: occurring once a year minaret: a 19th century dance in three-four time minuet: sixty seconds omnivore: large red vehicle that carries people about paradigm: place of great luxury and happiness philately: telling someone he is nice pogrom: what runs on a computer porpoise: intention preposterous: large grey African animal with one horn purple: a tortoise that can swim sellafield: sticky tape semantic: of middle Eastern origin sentience: sequence of words ending with a dot sentry: period of 100 years sinecure: unsure of himself tango: you can't untie it tempt: a canvas shelter tenable: an octopus's arm tropical: everyone is talking about it uninhibited: nobody lives there yuppie: a baby dog ------------------------------------------------------------ Jesus is on the ferry across the dead sea when the ferryman says "It'll be 40 sestertii (Roman coin) for the crossing." "Bugger that," says Jesus, "I'll walk." ------------------------------------------------------------ Mary and Joseph at the door to the inn: "Do you have a room for the night?" Innkeeper: "You've got to be joking - it's Christmas!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Why did the architect have his house made backwards? So he could watch TV. (house made == housemaid) ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac IV --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac4) OR (etac4@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ... From etac9@nowhere Fri Nov 9 22:22:06 1990 From: etac9@nowhere (Yrneh Etac IX) Subject: Funky stuff - part 133 There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees. So the father goes to his son's room and says: "Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?" "Oh yes papa, I remember very well," says the son. "Well son, it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing." ------------------------------------------------------------ A protestant moved into a completly Catholic comunity. Being good Catholics they welcomed him to their comunity. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor, receiving his paycheck on Fridays, began barbequuing some juicy stake, they began to squirm. They were so anoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said : You were born Protestant - You were raised Protestant - But now you are Catholic. And so, the next Friday, the neighbors sat down to eat fish and were disturbed by the smell of roast beef from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he new he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinlking catchup on the beef saying : You were born a cow - You were raised a cow - But now you are fish. ------------------------------------------------------------ A Geneticist after struggling for 10 years, makes a personal accomplishment one day and goes to Bar to commemorate it that night. He finds himself a quiet corner and orders for a Triple Martini. Meanwhile a gorgeous woman aged about 30 enters the Bar and not finding a table for herself requests the Scientist if she could share the quiet table. The two begin to converse after mutual introductions. Jones: "Mr. Smith, what brought you to this place tonight?" Smith: "Well! After researching for nearly ten years I have accomplished something personal and I am here tonight to enjoy it. And why are YOU here Ms. Jones?" Jones: "I too have a personal accomplishment and I am here to enjoy it too." Smith: "What a Coincidence!!!" "Ms. Jones! May I know what your accomplishment is?" Jones: "Sure. I have been married for about ten years now and I could not have children. But today my doctor told me that I am pregnant." "And what distinguishes your work from others Mr. Smith?" Smith: "I had this rare species of female bird with me and its male counterpart is found nowhere. In my attempt to save the species after trying to CROSS it with different species of male birds for TEN YEARS, today I was successful in doing it." Jones: "WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Two salesmen were traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms. In the morning they call the tow truck and leave. About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says: "When we spend the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?" "Why, yes I did." "And did you use my name?" "Why, yes how did you know?" "Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Around Holiday time we all get to see the family and pass on lore and gossip. One day a little girl was watching her mother make a great roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the great roasting pan. The little girl asked her mother why she cut off the end of the roast. The mother said after some thought that it was the way that her mother had done it. That weekend grandma came over to visit and the little girl and the mother went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking. After some thought replied, because that was the way her mother had done it. Now great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the little girl had the chance the next weekend to see her and asked again the questions. She looked at them a bit annoyed and said, "Why so it would fit in the pan, of course." ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac IX --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac9) OR (etac9@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ... From etac9@nowhere Fri Nov 9 22:22:09 1990 From: etac9@nowhere (Yrneh Etac IX) Subject: Funky stuff - part 134 A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !! Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden... After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thigh's to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him... "Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped.. With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.. " Well, son ", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license !!" " Yes Sir", replied the young feller, " But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"... ------------------------------------------------------------ A father had two little sons, one of whom was an eternal optimist, while the other was a perpetual pessimist. One Christmas he decided try to temper both of their proclivities: in addition to their standard gifts, he told them they'd each get something "chosen especially for you!" His plan was to give the pessimist every toy and game he could possibly desire, while the optimist would be directed to the basement filled with manure. On Christmas, after the normal presents were opened, the father sent the optimist to the cellar, while leading the pessimist to the room filled with presents. After the pessimist opened all the gifts, he turned to his father with a sad face and said: "How can I possibly use all these? The TV will wear out, the Nintendo will get smashed, and all the other toys will be broken!" After a few minutes of listening to such woe, the father remembered his optimistic son, and ran to the basement steps. There in the basement was his other son, swimming through the manure with a gleeful smile. The father asked him why he was so happy, to which the boy exclaimed "With this much manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Here are some things to do when you're in a less than happy mood: Free your spider collection. Threaten bunnies. Short-sheet the bed. Gnash your teeth. Drive at 25 mph on the freeway. Snore loudly. Take the last cookie. Jam the pay toilet door. Put gummy stuff inside books. Feign serious illness. Unscrew the salt shaker lid. Spraypaint someone's fluglehorn. Drop bugs on passersby. Step on some feet. Pour honey in someone's hair. When they are visiting an ant farm. Tickle people with a branch of poison ivy. Soap windows. Pour honey in the mailbox. Rake the leaves into your neighbor's yard. Put your sneakers in the refrigerator. Ignore everybody. Go to the grocery and squish the fruits. Turn on the sprinkler at a lawn party. Clog the sink. Ruin the punchline. Be obnoxious. Spread vicious rumors. Put Superglue(TM) on the keycaps. Enroll your friends in record clubs. Don't use deodorant. Use all the hot water. Call somebody up at 3am. Don't wipe your feet. Talk gibberish during serious conversation. Shout in the library. Forget your mother's birthday. Toss babies. Burp. Stare at somebody. Break something. Snore in a church. Spray-paint someone's eyeglasses. Stomp through the flower bed. Don't leave a tip. Put ink in the White-Out bottle. Eat onions. Stand in front of the TV. Sneak up on people. Put piranhas in the swimming pool. Stray into other people's snapshots. Teach someone tape-based batch Fortran. Reveal the ending. Leave a cow on your neighbor's porch. Litter. Drop your hors d'oeuvre and grind it into the carpet. Point at people. Put stones in all the shoes. Smoke large black cigars. Scratch someone's favorite record. Squirt water through your teeth. Never remember anyone's name. Clip your toenails in public. Throw waterbombs. Hoard overdue library books. Wake someone up violently. Eat someone else's lunch. Demoralize your friends. Take up two parking places. Press all the buttons in the elevator. Leave a ring in the bathtub. Put salt in his contact-lens solution. Constantly interrupt. Use all the toilet paper. Scrape your fingernails across the blackboard. Go wild with shaving cream. Saw the leg off a chair. Write insincere love letters. Throw a tomato. Eat sloppily. ------------------------------------------------------------ Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language. Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?" Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?" Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun." Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea." So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder..... Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?" Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?" Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?" Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some." They procede to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window. Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?" Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem." Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?" Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want." Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do." Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?" Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want." Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea." The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window. Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?" Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work." Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?" Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars." ------------------------------------------------------------ Given : a) There exists a single god called God. b) God created the world in his own image. c) The world is round. Therefore, God is round. Given : d) There is no edge of the world. e) The world is round from all points on the surface of the world. Therefore, the world is spherical. Therefore, God is actually spherical. Given : f) The world is not smooth, but, rather, it is lumpy. Therefore, the world is closer to the shape of a golfball than that of a perfect, smooth sphere. Therefore, God is a golfball. Given : g) The world is not uniformly lumpy. h) The world is covered in parts by bodies of liquid. i) Inconsistencies in a surface are created by chewing. j) Sloppy chewing leaves saliva on that which has been chewed. Therefore, the world is even closer in shape to a golfball which has been chewed on sloppily. Therefore, God is a golfball which has been chewed on sloppily. Given : k) A golfball is a sports ball. l) Dogs chew on sports balls. m) No other being chews on sports balls. n) Dogs are sloppy chewers. Therefore, God is a golfball which has been chewed upon by a dog. Given : o) God is omnipotent. Therefore, God is not impotent. Given : p) God is refered to as "He" in most literature. q) God is omnisexual. Therefore, God is male. Given : r) God required a mate to reproduce his image. s) God is heterosexual. Therefore, God created a female. Given : t) In the beginning, there was only God. Therefore, God created the dog which chewed Him. Given : u) God created life. v) God created only one thing (proposition). Therefore, God created a female dog to represent life. Therefore, life is a bitch. (Written by TURLOUGH@UFOAK (Gary)) ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac IX --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac9) OR (etac9@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ... From etac8@nowhere Fri Nov 9 22:22:11 1990 From: etac8@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 135 "You hissed all of my mystery lectures. You have tasted the whole worm. You must leave by the first town drain." ------------------------------------------------------------ Setting: A courtroom. Defense attorney questioning a robbery victim. Defense Attorney: Mr. Smith, you were held up at gunpoint on the corner of Fifth Avenue and Main Street on August 7th, is that correct? Smith: Yes, that's correct. Defense: Did you struggle with the alleged robber? Smith: No. Defense: Why in the world not? Smith: He was armed. Defense: Then you made a conscious decision to comply with his demands rather than resist? Smith: Yes. Defense: Have you ever given money away before? Smith: I didn't give it away, it was... Defense: (interrupting) Please answer the question, Mr. Smith. Smith's Attorney (the prosecution): Objection, your Honor! My client's prior financial history is irrelevant to these proceedings. Defense: Oh no, it most certainly is not. In fact I am trying to establish a pattern here which may explain the happenings on August 7th. If the witness has an extensive history of giving money away, then his honesty about the so-called "robbery" would reasonably come under question. Judge: Objection overruled. Please answer the question Mr. Smith. Defense: Now, Mr. Smith, do you ever give money away? Smith: Yes, of course. Defense: And you do so willingly? Smith: Of course. What are you getting at? Defense: Do you enjoy giving away money? Smith: Yes, that's why I do it. Defense: Well, let's put it like this, Mr. Smith, shall we? You've given money away in the past. In fact it is quite possible that the defendant recognized you as someone who has quite a reputation for philanthropy. How can we be sure that you did not _want_ to have your money taken by force? And even if you didn't want it taken _this_ time, how can we expect the defendant to have known that? Smith: That's ridiculous! If I had... Defense: (interrupting) And how much did you give the man? Smith: I didn't _give_... Judge: (interrupting) Answer the question please Mr. Smith. Defense: How much did you give him? Smith: One hundred dollars. Defense: One hundred dollars? That doesn't seem like a lot for someone who has given away so much money before. Smith: Uh... It was very traumatic. I felt my life was in danger. Defense: Yes, well we know that's your story. So you were carrying one hundred dollars in cash. What time did the "robbery" take place? Smith: Around eleven at night. Defense: You were out on the streets alone at eleven p.m. with one hundred dollars in cash? Doing what, for heaven's sake? Smith: Just walking. Defense: Just walking? Don't you know that it's dangerous to be out on the street late at night? Weren't you aware that you could be held up? Smith: I hadn't really thought about it. I was just walking. Defense: Are you sure you weren't _looking_ for someone to give money to? Smith: NO! I was just out for a walk. Judge: I will have no more outbursts like that in my courtroom, Mr. Smith. Defense: And what were you wearing? Smith: A suit. Defense: An expensive suit? Smith: Well, I am a successful business person. Defense: Don't you think it is rather foolish to wear an expensive suit after midnight when you are carrying a hundred dollars? Smith: But it wasn't after midnight, it was eleven pm. Defense: So you do admit then that it _would_ be foolish to be out after midnight? Smith: That's not what I said. I was just correcting... Judge: (interrupting) Answer the question Mr. Smith. Smith: No, I don't think that it would be foolish. Defense: So, in other words, Mr. Smith, you were walking the streets late at night in a bad part of town, wearing a suit that practically _advertised_ the fact that you might be a good target for easy money, isn't that so? I mean, Mr. Smith, one might logically conclude that you were asking for this to happen. Smith: But I... Defense: (interrupting) The defense rests, your Honor. ------------------------------------------------------------ Children at the front seat cause accidents, accidents at the back seat cause children! ------------------------------------------------------------ >From "Dear Abby" newspaper column- Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? -Sam in Califoria Dear Sam, Yes: run for public office. ------------------------------------------------------------ According to unknown sources, Visa International will be issuing Visa debit cards in Czechslovakia and Lithuania. Regular credit cards will be considered in the future. ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac VIII --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac8) OR (etac8@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ... From etac5@nowhere Fri Nov 9 22:22:16 1990 From: etac5@nowhere (Yrneh Etac V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 136 Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?" "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me." ------------------------------------------------------------ Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. ------------------------------------------------------------ You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. ------------------------------------------------------------ South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage. ------------------------------------------------------------ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac V --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac5) OR (etac5@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ... From etac8@nowhere Fri Nov 9 22:22:18 1990 From: etac8@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 137 There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Find them all means living forever. ------------------------------------------------------------ Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south. ------------------------------------------------------------ A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. ------------------------------------------------------------ There is a termendious [sic!] weight pressing down on the centre of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days. ------------------------------------------------------------ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac VIII --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac8) OR (etac8@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ... From etac0@nowhere) Fri Nov 9 22:22:19 1990 From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Bus error (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 138 In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes. ------------------------------------------------------------ The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a geek? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A person who comes from Geece. } } You owe the Oracle an atlas. ------------------------------------------------------------ Why are Fire Trucks Red? Fire Trucks are always rushin', Russians are red, therefore, Fire Trucks are red! ------------------------------------------------------------ +-----------------------------+ | Horsemilk, South Dakota, USA| | Population: 4238 | | Elevation: 3015 | | Founded: 1928 | | Total: 9181 | +-----------------------------+ ------------------------------------------------------------ Three guys are debating who has the best memory: Guy 1: I can remember the first day of my First Grade class. Guy 2: I can remember my first day at Nursery School! Guy 3: Heck that's nuthin', I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother. ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac Bus error (core dumped) --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ... From etac8@nowhere Sat Nov 10 16:10:05 1990 From: etac8@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VIII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 139 Sign for a butcher shop with an attached slaughterhouse: BUTCHER KILLS HIMSELF EVERY MORNING ------------------------------------------------------------ Sign for an expert in made-to-order shoes: WE MAKE SHOES EVEN FROM THE CUSTOMER'S HIDE ------------------------------------------------------------ Sign for a gyneacologist who doubles as a general practitioner: DOCTOR FOR WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES ------------------------------------------------------------ If I can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I thought. ------------------------------------------------------------ Two male mathematiciens are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math. The first mathematicien goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed. She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'. Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'. The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral of x squared?'. The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'! ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac VIII --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac8) OR (etac8@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ... From etac0@nowhere) Sat Nov 10 16:10:08 1990 From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Bus error (core dumped)) Subject: Funky stuff - part 140 A while back, there were two kingdoms situated close by each other. One kingdom had a powerful king, and the other had a relatively weak king. The difference (or so everybody said) was that the powerful king had a magic throne, which had the property of making people powerful. Well, the weak king wanted this throne, so he had a trusted count get up an army (knights, pages, etc.) to fetch it. The army trudged along for a day or two and came upon the powerful king's castle. The castle entrance was guarded by a huge yellow monster with huge yellow hands. The army (being an army and all) attacked! The huge Yellow Monster ate them all, except for two pages who did not engage in the fight. The pages, being very frightened, hid until nightfall. When night came along, the pages peeked from their hiding place and saw that the monster was asleep. The only thing guarding the entrance now was the monster's huge hands draped in front of the opening. The pages, being only 8 years old and all, were able to squeeze through the yellow fingers and gain entrance into the castle. Moral: let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers. Once inside the castle, the pages had no trouble finding the throne. Combined, they were just strong enough to lift it, and were able to carry it out of the castle. (The monster gave them no further trouble, since they had the throne and everything.) After having walked half the night with the heavy throne between them, they were very tired and stopped at a grass house to rest. The farmer who lived there, wanting to steal the throne for himself, let them spend the night in the barn. The throne was "hid" in the farmer's attic. Some hours later, the farmer stole into his barn and killed the pages. The farmer went back to bed. A few minutes later, the throne crashed through the ceiling, crushing and killing the farmer and his wife. Moral: people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones. When the powerful king found his throne missing the next day, he ordered HIS army to kidnap the other king's count and force him to tell where the throne was being hid. The session went as follows: king: Where is the throne? count: I cannot tell you. king: Then I will have you killed! Executioner, cut off his head! count: (as the axe is swinging down...) Ok! I will tell you! THWACK!!! Moral: don't hatchet your counts before they chicken. ------------------------------------------------------------ A button a girl is wearing at a bar: A HARD MAN IS GOOD TO FIND ------------------------------------------------------------ The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do the Spanish put punctuation before and after a sentence? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } .It seems more natural to me that way. .That way, you can tell what the } tone of a sentence is going to be before you start reading it. .In } fact, they don't go far enough. !They ought to put all of the words of } the sentence in front, so that you can tell what the whole sentence is } going to say when you read it! ------------------------------------------------------------ An 8-foot fluourescent light in a New York City office burned out, and the Big Boss said, `Fix it'. Naturally the job fell to the low man on the T.P., who obtained a new one and replaced the burned-out one without too much trouble. All he had to do now was throw out the old one. He took it out into the alley and tossed it in a dumpster. One of the building's janitors saw him and said, `You can't put that there. There's poisonous stuff in it and it's against the law.' He tried to sneak it into somebody else's dumpster but didn't get away with it. So, pretty soon he was walking down the sidewalk with a burned-out 8-foot fluourescent tube in one hand wondering how the hell he could get rid of it. It wouldn't fit in a trash can and after the `poisonous' warning he wasn't about to break it. Finally he got on a subway to try and find a dump. Picture a New York subway. How do you carry an 8-foot-long glass tube on the subway? You stand it on end and hold onto it. Pretty soon somebody else grabbed on, and presently there were four or five people holding onto the light. The man thought about it for a minute and....got off at the next stop! As far as anybody knows that light tube is still on the subway somewhere. ------------------------------------------------------------ "I have a short penis, is there a device out there to help me?" "Yes. It's called a Porsche." ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac Bus error (core dumped) --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere) Alas, it was decided that the Cate AI Project was too advanced for the current USENET community. To protect the Xerox(*) Corporation from the deluge of bounced mail, the Etac IA Project has taken over. We truly regret the inconvenience the Project may have caused, but such is the road to progress. (*) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(+) Corporation. (+) Xerox is a trademark of the Xerox(#) Corporation. (#) Xerox is ... From etac5@nowhere Sat Nov 10 16:10:10 1990 From: etac5@nowhere (Yrneh Etac V) Subject: Funky stuff - part 141 "I have a short penis, is there a device out there to help me?" "Cut it off and send it in for examination." ------------------------------------------------------------ >> I also heard another version, in which said Scientologists were >> arrested after putting a live rattlesnake into someone's mailbox >> (not mailing it, just dropping it in.) > >I should certainly hope so! It is absolutely illegal to put a live >rattlesnake into someone's mailbox. > >Unless, of course, the rattlesnake has sufficient cancelled postage on it. You know, you might not be too far from the truth. I have a friend who once stuck a stamp and an address label on a cucumber and mailed that. The post office delivered it, but they didn't refrigerate it along the way. So it was a pretty nasty pickle upon arrival, but that's the price you have to pay to advance science. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What's the definition of Australian foreplay? A: "Are you awake Sheila?" ------------------------------------------------------------ This woman lands at Logan Airport in Boston. She gets her luggage and jumps into a cab. She tells the cabbie, "Take me to a place where I can get scrod." The cabbie turns around and says, "That's the first time I've heard that said in the pluperfect subjunctive." ------------------------------------------------------------ Q. How do Chinese mothers name their babies? A. They throw some cutlery down the stairs and name them after the noise it makes. ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac V --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac5) OR (etac5@nowhere) Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. From etac7@nowhere Sat Nov 10 16:10:12 1990 From: etac7@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VII) Subject: Funky stuff - part 142 Q. Why is there so little great [IYFEG] literature? A. Spray paint wasn't invented until 1950. ------------------------------------------------------------ Little Tommy walks into his primary school classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher.... Miss: Ahh, Good Morning Tommy, and where were you yesterday? Tommy: I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt. Miss: He wasn't too badly hurt was he? Tommy: Oh aye Miss, they don't fuck around at these crematoriums you know. ------------------------------------------------------------ Two old ladies were walking down the street one wintry day when they heard a voice calling for help. They looked around and saw a little green leg sticking out from beneath a snowbank, so one of the old ladies digs down and pulls out a very cold frog and starts warming it up in her hands. The frog says, "Oh thank you, thank you. I was freezing to death under that snowbank before you came along and saved me." The old ladies are, of course, amazed by the fact that this frog can talk. The frog continues, "You know, I'm not actually a frog, and if you kiss me I'll turn back into a handsome prince." The old lady nods at this but just slips the frog into her pocket. The other old lady looks puzzled and asks, "Well, aren't you going to kiss him and see if it works?" The first old lady replies, "Certainly not! I can make a whole lot more money with a talking frog." ------------------------------------------------------------ "HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked. "I'm sure, I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not" I replied ... "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Waitress: Would you like some buns with your melon? Customer: No thank you, your melons will do just fine. Waitress: Are you sure? These buns are firm and fresh-baked... Customer: Well, they do look good... Waitress: They'd taste even better with some nice sweet butter spread all over them. Customer: Yes, I can imagine. But to tell you the truth, I think my own buns are better. Waitress: Oh, really? Well perhaps you could show me the recipe sometime. Customer: How about right now? Would you let me come in your kitchen? Waitress: I'd love to. ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac VII --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac7) OR (etac7@nowhere) If anything can go wrong, it will. From etac4@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:31:55 1990 From: etac4@nowhere (Yrneh Etac IV - Error 0) Subject: Funky stuff - part 143 A boxer suffers from insomnia. A friend advises: "Try counting till you get asleep." Next day: "It didn't work: at 9 I always got up again." ------------------------------------------------------------ The origin of the famous saying "A rose is a rose is a rose is a rose." It seems that back in the days of the Roman empire, Nero and Cicero had estates on facing slopes of some hills, and both were avid growers of roses. Every year Nero's slope was covered in red roses, and Cicero's was covered in yellow roses. Of course, being the masters of their houses, Nero and Cicero didn't actually work in the gardens. They had gardeners charged with seeing that the roses were always up to the standards of the estate. One winter, Nero's head gardener was planting the rose bulbs for the next season. As he walked down the rows planting bulbs, he suddenly realized that he had been stepping on the last row he had planted. He didn't have enough bulbs to replace the ruined plants, so in the middle of the night he sneaked across the valley to Cicero's estate and stole enough bulbs to complete the planting on Nero's slope. Well, fortunately for the gardener, he was called out of town around the time when the rose buds were about to open. He therefore wasn't in the reach of Nero's wrath when he noticed the one yellow line breaking up his beautiful red field. Nero sent a note to his gardener asking about this unusual chromatic anomoly. It read: "Our roses arose. Is a row Cicero's?" ------------------------------------------------------------ A golfer and his wife are playing and he slices his tee shot over behind a shed. After examining the situation, he concludes that if they open both the front and rear doors of the shed, he could play his second shot through the shed. He lines up and his wife goes to open the doors. As she is waiting, she wonders what is happening and peeks around the door. Unfortunately, just at that moment her husband hits and his ball strikes her squarely in the head, killing her instantly. The distraught husband avoids golf for a year, but 5 years later he is remarried and happily playing golf again with his new wife. Oddly enough, he happens to slice on the same hole and lands in almost the same spot. His wife says, "Honey, if I open the front and back door of that shed, I think you could play through." He answers, "No, don't do that. The last time I tried that I took an 8 on this hole!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear about the Scot who gave up golf? He lost his ball. Did you hear about the Scot who took up golf? He found it. ------------------------------------------------------------ There was a country club which didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week. The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club, and became active. After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter. After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action. After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges! ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac IV - Error 0 --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac4) OR (etac4@nowhere) Genius, n.: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright". From etac7@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:33:54 1990 From: etac7@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VII - Not owner) Subject: Funky stuff - part 144 A guy comes to work speaking in a really hoarse voice. His buddy asks him what happened to his voice. He relates that he was playing golf, and sliced out of bounds into a pasture. However, he thought he could find his ball and went to look for it. He saw a woman looking for her ball, too. As he passed a cow, he noticed that there was a golf ball stock in the back end of the cow. He lifted up the cow's tail and called out, "Hey lady, does this look like yours?" That's when she hit him in the throat with a 5 iron. ------------------------------------------------------------ A man is staying at a Vegas hotel and goes to play golf on their course. Before he starts, he buys 3 golf balls for $5. He has a very pleasant round. The next day he decides to play a different course and goes to the one across the street. He also requests 3 golf balls and finds out that the price is $25! He protests, "Where I played yesterday, they were on the $5." The pro shop attendant explains, "Well, over there they get you by the room." ------------------------------------------------------------ There was two businessmen, whose names happened to be Mr Turtle and Mr Carrot, and one day as they were coming back from lunch Mr Turtle says to Mr Carrot, "You know, you're getting fat", to which Mr Carrot says "You're not so slim yourself!". So Mr Turtle says "Ok, we'll see who is the least fit, race you back to the office" So the race starts, and they'd only got about a block down the street when Mr Turtle crosses the road in front of a car and gets bowled. Mr Carrot sees that he's in a pretty bad way, so he rushes to the phone and calls Mr Cabbage, the ambulance driver. Mr Cabbage duly arrives and piles Mr Turtle into the Ambulance and rushes to hospital. Mr Turtle follows and as soon as he gets to the Hospital he asks the nurse at Accident and Emergency, Miss Cauliflower, whether he will be alright. "Miss Cauliflower, Miss Cauliflower, will Mr Turtle be alright?" she replies "Well, i couldn't really say, you'll have to ask Dr Bean". So he rushes over to Doctor Bean and says, "Doctor Bean, Doctor Bean, will Mr Turtle be alright?" and the Doctor says "Well, I wouldn't like to say, you'd best ask the specialist, Doctor Pea", so of course, Mr Carrot rushes over to Doctor Pea and says "Doctor Pea, Doctor Pea, will Mr Turtle be alright?", and Doctor Pea says "I've done all I can for him, it's all in the hands of the Surgeon, Dr Turnip" So Mr Carrot waits outside the surgery for 3 hours until they have finished the operation, and rushes up to Dr Turnip and says "Doctor Turnip, Doctor Turnip, will Mr Turtle be alright?" and Dr Turnip turns to him and says "We did all we could, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life..." ------------------------------------------------------------ After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. ------------------------------------------------------------ Doctor to patient in hospital: "Mr Jones, I have some good news, and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first?" "Do begin with the bad news, please." "Allright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS." Perplexed, the man murmurs: "Whazze goonewz?" Doctor says: "The good news is that there is no more bad news." ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac VII - Not owner --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac7) OR (etac7@nowhere) Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation? From etac0@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:35:47 1990 From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - No such file or directory) Subject: Funky stuff - part 145 "Do you smoke after having sex?" "I don't know, I have never looked." ------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call a IYFIG at University? The caretaker. ------------------------------------------------------------ Two guys recently dead was given the option to stay either in heaven or hell for the rest of their eternity. They asked if it was ok to look around first and to their surprise it was. First, they went to Heaven. All nice-guys where there, dressed in white they sat on clouds playing harp. Quite a boring place, thought our heroes. - Let's go to Hell, they said to each other. Hell turned out to be a completely different scene. It was all bars, casino and amusement parks. Free drinks for everyone and a lot of people having a real good time. Back from hell, the guys where asked to chose between Heaven and Hell. They both chose Hell. Back in Hell, they were immediately scuffled in the back of a sub-surface car and driven to coal-mine. Someone gave them a shovel each and told to start working. - What's this? The last time we where here they place was entirely different. - Yes, but then you were tourists, now you are immigrants. ------------------------------------------------------------ At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for two reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them." ------------------------------------------------------------ Dr: We need to get these people to a hospital! Elaine: What is it? Dr: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now! ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - No such file or directory --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere) Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. From etac4@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:36:53 1990 From: etac4@nowhere (Yrneh Etac IV - No such process) Subject: Funky stuff - part 146 Condoms are like the federal government. Both give you a sense of security even when you know you're getting screwed. ------------------------------------------------------------ What is the best secretary in the world to have? One that never misses a period. ------------------------------------------------------------ THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS: Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks. If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind. For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles. When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. ------------------------------------------------------------ A condo committee was screening a couple interested in renting an apartment: "What kind of work do you do?" they were asked. "My husband is an engineer and I'm a school-teacher," the wife replied. "Any children?" asked a committee member. "Yes, 7 & 8 years old," the wife replied. "Animals?" asked another committee member. "Oh no! They're very well-behaved!" ------------------------------------------------------------ There was a cannibal walking through the jungle and he came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu Broiled Missionary $25.00 Fried Explorer $35.00 Baked Politician $100.00 The customer called the cook over and asked "why such a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac IV - No such process --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac4) OR (etac4@nowhere) I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. -- George Bernard Shaw From etac0@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:37:50 1990 From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - Interrupted system call) Subject: Funky stuff - part 147 Many have experienced the confusion of traffic accidents and have had to summerize correctly what happened in a few words or less on insurance or accident forms. The following quotes were taken >from those forms and were eventually published in the Toronto Sun Paper. 1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. 2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it's intentions. 3) I though my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it. 4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. 5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. 6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. 7) The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. 8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. 9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. 10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home, as I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision. 11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. 12) I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident. 13) As I approched the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared to stop in time to avoid the accient. 14) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. 15) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. 16) An Invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. 17) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture. 18) I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the street when I struck him. 19) The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him. 20) I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. 21) I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. 22) The telephone pole was approching fast, I attempted to swerve out of it's way, when it struck the front of my car. ------------------------------------------------------------ 1: Did you hear what happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist? 2: No, what? 1: He was repossessed. ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: "Do you like Kipling?" A: "Don't know, I have never kippled." ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What's a man who'se got his dick in the biscuit tin? A: Fucking crackers. ------------------------------------------------------------ Jesus was walking through the desert one day, when he comes across a crowd of people, preparing to stone a prostitute to death. He enquires as to what is happening and why. The people respond that they are going to stone her because she is a prostitute, and as such a sinner! So they bury her up to her head in sand and are about to stone her when Jesus walks over her and speaks to the crowd, finishing up with "Let the person who is without sin, cast the first stone". The crowd fidgets for a while and then starts to walk away. Just as most of them had decided to leave, a huge stone comes flying over and hits the prostitute in the head, killing her. And Jesus turns around and says "You know, you really piss me off at times, Mother." ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - Interrupted system call --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere) Genius, n.: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright". From etac6@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:40:10 1990 From: etac6@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VI - No such device or address) Subject: Funky stuff - part 149 What's black and shrivelled and hangs from the ceiling? An Irish Electrician. ------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call an Irishman nailed to the wall? Art. ------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call an Irishman with no lower legs? Neil. ------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call an Irishman in a Vat of Acid? Stu. ------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call a baby that's eaten both it's parents? An orphan. ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac VI - No such device or address --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac6) OR (etac6@nowhere) If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. From etac8@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:40:28 1990 From: etac8@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VIII - Arg list too long) Subject: Funky stuff - part 150 EXAMPLES OF UNCLEAR WRITING, SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY A LOCAL WELFARE DEPARTMENT TO APPLICATIONS FOR SUPPORT... I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why? I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead. This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it? Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do "anything" until he knows for sure. I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. I am fowarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. What are you going to do about it? Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life. You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference. I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor. ------------------------------------------------------------ Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division. ------------------------------------------------------------ Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Cold, adj.: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets. ------------------------------------------------------------ Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think. ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac VIII - Arg list too long --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac8) OR (etac8@nowhere) Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" From etac0@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:41:53 1990 From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - Exec format error) Subject: Funky stuff - part 151 Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. ------------------------------------------------------------ A beautiful young brunette was about to undergo a minor operation. She had been prepared and wheeled along to the operation chamber's door where the nurse had left her to check if the operation staff were ready. Hardly had the nurse left when a young man in a white coat came up to the trolley, lifted the sheet, examined her closely and walked away, nodding reflectively. He consulted with another man in a white coat who then approached the woman, lifted the sheets, examined her intimately and walked away. When a third man appeared and drew back the sheet, the young woman demanded to know when they were going to get on with the operation. "I've no idea lady," the young man said, "we're just painting the corridor." ------------------------------------------------------------ Woman A: "Isn't your new baby lovely. Was your husband present at the birth?" Woman B: "No. He wasn't even present at the conception!" ------------------------------------------------------------ One night in the pub, the publican is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday. You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night out !" Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees. So, the following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics. He says to the publican, "Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I'll settle up at closing time." The publican has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the loonies to eat crisps and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting drunk but they behave themselves. At closing time the publican adds up the bill and it comes to just over a hundred pounds ! The guy with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organise the loonies ready to take them back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount. "Its eighty quid," he says. The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, "That's fine. Have you got change for a dustbin lid ?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Scene: A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and white toque hunches over the fireplace, filling stockings with gifts, sees the boy over his shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly. Caption: "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you." ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - Exec format error --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere) I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. -- George Bernard Shaw From etac5@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:43:43 1990 From: etac5@nowhere (Yrneh Etac V - Bad file number) Subject: Funky stuff - part 152 One day at the Vatican, a papal aide rushes in to the Pope's office and says, "Your Holiness! Good news and bad news!" The Pope replies, "What's the good news?" "Jesus Christ is on the phone." "That's great news, what can be so bad?" "He's calling from Utah." ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What would you have if you had a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other hand? A: A bloody big moth! ------------------------------------------------------------ What's green and eats nuts? V.D. ------------------------------------------------------------ An Irishman entered Mastermind: they asked him his name, he said pass. ------------------------------------------------------------ These are from Flumen and Flumen, J. of School Psychol., 17, 82-84, 1979 The questions are those from the WISCR and WPPSI (IQ Tests for little people) q: In what way are an apple and a banana alike? A: Both give me diarrhea q: What is the color of rubies? A: My sister, Ruby, is black like me. q: What should you do if you see thick black smoke coming from the window of your neighbour's house? a: I would probly cough. I'm lergic to smoke. q: What doyou call this finger? a: It's your sucker. q: What does contagious mean? a: Don't go near the baby. She might throw up. q: What does the stomach do? A: It makes food so it can come out of my rear end smoother. q: Why do we have to put stamps on letters? A: I don't know where else toput them. Q: If I cut an apple in half, how many pieces will I have? A: one Q: Are you sure I will only have one piece? A; Yes. I will have the other piece. q: Name 2 things that are round. A: Boobs Q: What is the thing to do if you were sent to buy a loaf of bread and the grocer says he does not have any more? a: Call him a liar and ask him what he's trying to pull. q; In what ways are paperback books better than hardcover books. a: More dirty pictures. Q: What is a donkey? a: I'm not allowed to say that word. Q: What do we call a baby cow? A: (long pause) ... a bully? q: Now I'm gong to say some numbers, but this time when I stop I want you to say them backwards. For example, if I say 9-2-7, what would you say? A: I'd say, you've got to be kidding. ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac V - Bad file number --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac5) OR (etac5@nowhere) Friends, Romans, Hipsters, Let me clue you in; I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him. The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes; If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, And, like, old Caeser really set them straight. Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; So are they all, all cool cats, -- Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down. From etac0@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:46:15 1990 From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - No children) Subject: Funky stuff - part 153 Igor Blimey (your baltic correspondent) The plane was flying over African jungle when the engine failed. Its three passengers, one from England, one from Germany and one from France had to jump out of the plane with their parachutes. After a safe landing the started looking for civilisation, but unfortunately fell into the hands of the local cannibals. They were brought in front of the tribe leader. He looked at them and said: - You again! ------------------------------------------------------------ The [IYFEG] police is searching for masked gunmen who shot five [IYFEG] citizens. After two days of searching the [IYFEG] police has reached one conclusion: The gunmen have probably removed their masks!!! ------------------------------------------------------------ A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos >from the air. His request was approved, and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers make photographs." The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Says a girl from junior high to her boyfriend: "Do you want to come to my place tonight? Nobody at home!" Of course he eagerly agrees, so at eight he rings the doorbell... Guess again: nobody at home indeed! ------------------------------------------------------------ Three dogs are chit-chatting one evening 'bout things - an (any OTAN country one), a roumanian, a czech and a russian; the OTAN-one goes "last week, a thief tried to steal my master's car, but I went barking at him, he ran away and my master gave me a big, juicy, fleshy bone!" So the roumanian goes "what does 'car' mean?", the russian goes "what does 'meat' mean?", and the czech goes "what does 'bark' mean?" ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - No children --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere) Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. -- Jules de Gaultier From etac5@nowhere Sun Nov 18 01:48:41 1990 From: etac5@nowhere (Yrneh Etac V - No more processes) Subject: Funky stuff - part 154 This old Chinese man is lying in his bed, ready do die. The entire family is gathered around him, all weeping and sniffing. He opens his eyes one last time and goes: "I have to tell you a seclet. It is velly impoltant to me..." So everyone bends down, in order to be able hear his faint wispers. "lemembel it is velly seclet." Everyone holds his breath in order not to disturb the old man. "Light, hele it is" Nobody is moving, the room is so silent, you could have heard a pin falling to the floor. "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" ------------------------------------------------------------ These three guys - an American, Chinese, and German - were shipwrecked on a desert island. The German found this smokey bottle. So he brought it back to the other two and they all opened it togther (the German was a really nice guy). Well, low and behold, a GENIE POPPED OUT! The genie granted them each one wish, and of course all three wanted to be back home. So the genie said he would grant them their wishes. "But first, you must all do me a favor. Mr. American - I want you to built me a restaurant here. Mr. German - you will make the kitchen for this restaurant. Mr. Chinaman - you will get the supplies for the restaurant. I have a hot date waiting for me in Bagdad, so I have to go. But I will return in ONE MONTH. At that time, if you satisfied my requirements, I will grant your wishes." So for one month, the three men American and German toiled while the Oriental kinda lazed around and gave a helping hand to the other two. Then about 4 days before the genie's expected return, the Orien- tal disappeared. Well, the genie came back, just as he promised, and asked to be shown what they had done. He was amazed by the restaurant! Five dining rooms, a tremendous main lobby - all made of bamboo! It was a magnificent feat. As for the kitchen - full utensils, running gas stoves, pots, pans - all made from shells, bamboo, and coconuts. An absolute wonder! "But where are the supplies from Mr. Chinaman?" The two men said they didn't know. All they knew was that he had disappered a few days ago and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of him since then. Suddenly from the shadows, out leaped the Oriental, shout- ing in a loud voice: "SUPLISE!!!!!!!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Two lawyers are walking down the street and they see a beautiful woman walking towards them. The first lawyer says, "See that woman, boy would I love to screw her." The second lawyer says, "Out of what?". ------------------------------------------------------------ What is the difference between Cinderella and a member of the England Football Team? Cinderella got to the ball. ------------------------------------------------------------ These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?" The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu" "Please excuse my friend." the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated." ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac V - No more processes --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac5) OR (etac5@nowhere) There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. From etac8@nowhere Wed Nov 21 15:19:46 1990 From: etac8@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VIII - Not enough memory) Subject: Funky stuff - part 155 What is the difference between Madonna and Maradona? Madonna cannot act. ------------------------------------------------------------ Two antropologists were in South America & they heard about this legendary green gorilla. They asked the local people where it was. The locals told them where the gorilla was, but made them promise not to touch it. Well, they searched long & hard for the gorilla & everywhere they went, people would tell them, "Don't TOUCH the gorilla!" Well, they spotted it in a remote part of the forest. One of the antrhropologists in his glee forgot about the warning & ran up & touched the beast. Well, the gorilla got pissed & chased after them, destroying everything in its path. Mile after mile, the gorilla chased them. He chased them all the way to NY City, trapping them in a small room. The two men were afraid the gorilla would kill them, and then the gorilla tapped one on the shoulder and said: "TAG. YOU'RE IT!" ------------------------------------------------------------ In USSR, a boy talking to his grand-father: Boy: "- What is the Perestroika ?" Grand-Father: "- You see these two buckets of coal? One is full and the other one is empty." B: " - Yes." GF: " - Well... (he walks to the buckets and drop the coal from the full bucket into the empty one)... This is the Perestroika." B: " - But, this is the same thing." GF: " - Yes, but did you hear the noise ?!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises not unlike a Kenworth...VRROOOOM,VRRROOOOMM,....SCREEEECH....... "What are you doing?" enquires the doctor. "Im taking this road train down to Barcelona." replies the ex-trucker. Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress. "And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed. "Well",pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona I'm f*****g his wife." ------------------------------------------------------------ What are a truckers two most favourite four letter words? Truk and lory. ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac VIII - Not enough memory --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac8) OR (etac8@nowhere) There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. From etac0@nowhere Wed Nov 21 15:20:14 1990 From: etac0@nowhere (Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - Permission denied) Subject: Funky stuff - part 156 Two cows in a field: Cow one: Aren't you worried about this mad cow disease? Cow two: No, not really. Cow one: Oh ! Why's that then ? Cow two: I'm a duck. ------------------------------------------------------------ A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the street corner for 15 cents a glass. He figures he'll spend about 3 bucks on the ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and then drink the rest and get stomach aches. His eventual response: "Go stand on the corner for two hours and come back, I'll give you two dollars. Everybody wins." ------------------------------------------------------------ Continuing the series on scientific socialism... This NUTWORKS article fully supports the observations we have made about electricity. Here in the Baltic we have made precise mesurements regarding the speed of electricity. You need a Telstar 5 valve radio, a stop watch, and a measuring tape. Using these simple everyday socialist tools you can estimate the speed of electrons. Experimental method: Set stop watch to zero. Switch radio on, but do not put the plug in the wall. Simultaniously start stopwatch and put plug in the wall Stop stopwatch when you hear music coming from the radio Measure the length of the cable from the plug to the radio It is now a simple process to calculate the speed of the electons as they travel along the cable and into the radio. That is, length of cable divided by the time taken from the insertion of the plug to the hearing of the music will give you the speed of the electons in M/sec. e.g 2/10 = 0.2 M/sec Anomolies: Contradictory results are obtained using transistor radios, where the speed of electrons is thousands of times faster. Electrons flow faster into a pre-heated 5 valve radio. Electon speed is not really dependent on length of cable. In short cables, electons flow slowly... in long cables, electrons flow fast. And now for the NUTWORKS contribution to the field of socialistic electrical science. ELECTRICITY =========== Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical question: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuff your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything with your finger, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting. Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mi- xers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came along the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually, he had to be given a job running the post office in America. After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Juhani Volt, Vladimir Amp, Raimo Watt, Seppo Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered ***this is the truth I swear on Lennin's beard*** that when he attached two different kinds of metals to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, squashed by a steam roller for example, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond -- where it sinks like a stone. But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edisonovitch, (known to his competitors as Thomas Sonovabitch), who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey, America. Edisonovitch's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which soon could be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when records for it were developed. But Edisonovitch's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edisonovitch's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediatley gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again. This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands times of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. It has come to our attention that the last year any new electricity was generated in America was 1937. So you see how exploited the people are in that country. This is capitalism at its very worst. Consumerism is the opium of the people. In the Baltic were are proud to say we only use our electricity once... this saves us a considerable investment in not having to run a second copper wire back to the power station. Today, thanks to men like Edisonovitch, and Franklin and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade, scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball,provided they remember to change the power from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball." Igor Blimey (your Baltic Corrispondent) ------------------------------------------------------------ "So, little boy, who in your family do you look like?" "I look like my father!" "Ah, I see! And you little girl, which one of your parents do you look like? "I look like my mommy!" "How about you, Sally, who do you look like?" "I don't look like my mommy or my daddy, I look like the postman!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first hair cut. When her turn comes, she brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon, she pulls the twinkie out for a bite. "You're getting hair on your twinkie," the barber playfully warns. "Yes, I know," replies the girl. "And I'm getting boobs, too." ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac Broken pipe - Permission denied --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac0) OR (etac0@nowhere) "As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs -- a process that traditionally requires some debugging." --- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new computer system. From etac8@nowhere Wed Nov 21 15:23:20 1990 From: etac8@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VIII - Bad address) Subject: Funky stuff - part 157 "This book fills a well needed gap in the literature." ------------------------------------------------------------ A man goes to the doctor and says: - Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do? - I think that is a wise decision. Let's see, do you smoke? - Oh.. half a pack a day. - Starting NOW no more smoking. The man agrees. The doctor then asks: - Do you drink? - Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while - Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions. The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor continues: - How do you eat? - Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff. - Starting now you are going on a very strict diet: you are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese. The man is now really worried. - Doc, is all this really necessary? - Do you want to live long? - Yes. - Absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet, The man is quite restless, but hte doctor continues: - Do you have sex? - Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife! he adds hurriedly. - As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None. The man is appalled. - Doc... are you sure I'm going to live longer this way? - I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity. ------------------------------------------------------------ A man enters a baker's shop and asks for a loaf. The baker asks: "White or brown, sir?" And the guy says: "Yes." The baker then asks, impatiently: "Yes, WHAT?" To which the guy answers, intimidated: "Yessss, sir!!" ------------------------------------------------------------ An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night." ------------------------------------------------------------ Why was Jesus Irish? He didn't leave home till he was thirty, he hung around with 12 other guys, his mother thought he was god, and he thought she was a virgin. ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac VIII - Bad address --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac8) OR (etac8@nowhere) Cold, adj.: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets. From etac8@nowhere Wed Nov 21 15:23:27 1990 From: etac8@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VIII - Block device required) Subject: Funky stuff - part 158 Why wasn't Jesus Italian? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. ------------------------------------------------------------ How do you fit twenty Pakistanis in a tyre? Tell them it's a flat. ------------------------------------------------------------ How do you fit twenty Englishmen in a mini? Promote one and watch the other nineteen climb up his arse. ------------------------------------------------------------ Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex: 1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old! 2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret? 1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding! So the second old man rushed to the store. Clerk: May I help you? Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please. Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done! Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me? ------------------------------------------------------------ Classic riddles: Scene: A man is found dead in a locked room in a puddle of water. Answer: The poor guy died of starvation; the room was locked, right? The water? Oh, the roof leaked. Scene: A man gets out of bed, and kills himself. Answer: The man was a midget for the circus, and had just gotten fed up with his bleak and demeaning lifestyle. Scene: A man goes into a restaurant and orders some albatross. After some delay, the food arrives. He takes a taste, and then kills himself. Why? Answer: Obviously a whacko. I mean, who orders ALBATROSS in a restaurant?! I say "good riddance to bad garbage!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac VIII - Block device required --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac8) OR (etac8@nowhere) Pittsburgh Driver's Test 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light but a steady left tail light. This means (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. (d) the driver is from out of town. The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. From etac7@nowhere Wed Nov 21 23:59:02 1990 From: etac7@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VII - Device busy) Subject: Funky stuff - part 159 Jesus Christ goes into this hotel, walks up to the hotel clerk, slaps three iron nails on the desk and says, "Can you put me up for the night?" ------------------------------------------------------------ A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!" "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Save a tree: Eat a beaver. ------------------------------------------------------------ What goes in dry, pink and hard, and comes out wet, pink and soft? Chewing gum. ------------------------------------------------------------ "I used to have a shirt just like that..." "... then I got a job." ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac VII - Device busy --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac7) OR (etac7@nowhere) 77. HO HUM -- The Redundant ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. Nine in the second place means: The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. Six in the third place means: In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! From etac7@nowhere Wed Nov 21 23:59:54 1990 From: etac7@nowhere (Yrneh Etac VII - File exists) Subject: Funky stuff - part 160 A Swiss-cheese sandwich goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry: we don't serve food here." ------------------------------------------------------------ Seen on a birthday card: Outside: Forget about the past, You can't change it. Forget about the future, You can't predict it. Inside: Forget about the present, I didn't buy you one. ------------------------------------------------------------ There's an apple on a lawn and a worm sitting right beside it. The worm is rather interested in the apple is about to start eating. There's a bird that sees the worm and apple in a tree nearby. He is already dreaming about the juicy worm when he decides to wait for the worm to eat the apple so that he will have a larger worm. Then there's a cat behind some bushes who watches the whole scene and thinks: If the worm eats the apple, the bird will eat the worm and I can have the bird. Ok, the worm eats the apple, nice apple, the bird eats the worm, nice and juicy indeed, and the cat jumps to catch the bird but misses and falls into a pond. What's the moral of this story? The longer the preparations, the wetter the pussy..... ------------------------------------------------------------ Don't drink and drive. You may hit a bump and spill it! ------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Why won't Florence Griffiths' husband have sex with her? A: Because, every time she comes first, she wants a gold medal. ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac VII - File exists --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac7) OR (etac7@nowhere) Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -- Charlie McCarthy From etac5@nowhere Wed Dec 5 21:18:21 1990 From: etac5@nowhere (Yrneh Etac V - Cross-device link) Subject: Funky stuff - pause Alas, as the computing power spent on the Etac Project is needed for Gulf war nuclear simulations, for a while we must leave this group to the lusers. Let us hope it is still there after, say, January 15. Included is an extra big chunk of jokes to cheer up your Christmas dinner guests. Oh by the way, do you know why the Gulf war has been postponed till next year? Otherwise all those prerecorded Christmas shows would have become worthless! ------------------------------------------------------------ Once upon a time there was a mathematician who found an equation for GOD. It was, of course, a very complicated equation but, she figured, all she had to do was find a computer system which (1) had a large enough memory to store all the necessary variables and (2) was fast enough to gather all the information together. Once this was accomplished, all the mysteries of the Universe could be solved... ...So the government took every available micro-processor, linker, loader, assembler and anything else they had available, put them all together, and then asked the computer: "IS THERE A GOD?" Unfortunately, however, the computer's response was that it would take, at the very least, a century or two to solve the problem... ...This wasn't good enough for the beaurocrats in Washington, who for the first time in their life deired something other than that status quo, so they decided to follow that up by taking every single computer in the *entire nation* and linking them all together into one giant, ever-so-much-bigger, super- powerful-computer and asked, once again, "I S T H E R E A G O D?" Well, this time the computer said that it would take only ten years to solve the equation. Not as bad, but still not quick enough to satisfy all the eager philosophers and scientists. "Something more must be done!" they would shout... ...By this time the whole world was beginning to pay some attention and everone wanted to get involved. One everyone argued about which country could claim credit and settled all the basic disputes, they drafted a joint resolution to build the computer and discover the amount of truth in the assertation that there is a God. So -- they took every computer system in the world and linked them all together into one single amazing supercomputer, the likes of which had NEVER, EVER, been seen before, and once again asked: "I S T H E R E A G O D?" And the computer's response was... "T H E R E I S N O W." ------------------------------------------------------------ The aging head of a secluded Monastary decides he will take a walk into the nearby town for the first time in 30 years. As he's walking down the street he passes a hooker on a corner who says "Hey twenty dollars for a quicky". Confused, he walks past another corner and another hooker says "Hey padre, twenty dollars for a quicky". He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town". ------------------------------------------------------------ One night, while she and her husband were making love, an Australian woman suddenly noticed something sticking in his ear. When she asked him what it was he replied 'Be quiet! I'm listening to the football.' ------------------------------------------------------------ A young priest was having difficulty keeping his audience awake. He asked an elder colleague for some help. "Well," said the other priest "I like to shock'em awake. Once I told them 'Last night I held another ma's wife in my arms.' When the furor died down I added, "It was my own dear mother." Much impressed the younger, more boring, priest resolved to give it a try. During his sermon -- at about the three hour point -- he heard snoring. "Last night" he cried "I held another man's wife in my arms." There was a gasp, and a hush of disapproval fell on the cong- regation. The priest was flustered. "She was" he stammered "she was ... Oh dear I forget who she was." ------------------------------------------------------------ A guy walks into a store and asks the guy behind the counter for Polish Ham. The storekeeper asks him, "Are you Polish?" The man is insulted. "If I came in here and asked for French bread, would you have asked me if I was French? If I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you have asked me if I was German? If I had asked for Swiss Cheese, would you have asked me if I was Swiss? If I had asked for Spanish peanuts, would you have asked me if I was Spanish? ... So why did you ask me if I was Polish?!" The clerk replied, "Well, sir, this is a hardware store." ------------------------------------------------------------ Why don't Italians barbecue? Because the Spaghetti falls through the grill.... ------------------------------------------------------------ OK, like, so there were these three priests. Insert your denomination here. There's a young priest, a middle-aged priest, and an elderly priest. They're taking a business trip to Pittsburgh, and they need small change for the tolls and tips and such. So at the airport, when they approach the ticket agent to buy the airline tickets, the young priest saunters up to the young woman who is behind the booth. He notices that she has a very sheer blouse on when he gets close...and, well, frankly, her nipples are rather visible. This woman has quite a bodacious set of tatas; that is to say; she has massive gazongas. Our young clergyman hero speaks thusly, "I'd like three pickets to Tittsburgh, please!" Well, needless to say, he is a mite flustered. The middle-aged priest comforts him. "It happens to the best of us, m'lad. Let me take care of this." He swaggers up to the sheer blouse-clad wench. "I'd like three tickets to Pittsburgh, please," he enunciates confidently. "And I'd like the change in nipples and dimes." Well, that blows his bravado. Red-faced, he retreats back to his brethren. "My son, let me handle this," reassures the kind, grandfatherly church elder. He approaches the ticket agent. "I'd like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he avers cleanly. "And I'd like the change in nickles and dimes." "Certainly," replies the young lady. "Thank you my dear," he adds, glancing cockily at his fellow clergymen. "My prayer for you will be that when you die, St. Hand has his peter out to greet you." ------------------------------------------------------------ A woman goes into a greengrocer and is looking round anxiously at a pile of oranges. "Can I help you madam?" asks the shopkeeper. "Well, I was looking for some fruit for my husband. Have these oranges been treated with any posoinous fertilizer or weedkiller?" she replies. "No madam, you'll have to get that from the chemist's." ------------------------------------------------------------ Guy is in a bar and he sees a couple of women. One is absolutely stunning and the other one is just a dog. As he is eyeing the foxy chick and getting nowhere her friend walks up to him. "How would like to meet my friend" the ugly chick asks "I would love to" he says "How would you like to take her home" says the girl "I'd kill for it" "Would you like to feel her tits" "God YES" he says as he gets more excited "Would you like to stroke her ass" "Love to" "Would like to see her pussy" "Fuck that would great" "Would you like to feel her pussy" "Please" he says "Would you like to smell her pussy" she ask smiling "Oh god yes" he says as he in on the verge of orgasm "Ok" she says and leans over and breaths in his face. ------------------------------------------------------------ A kid comes home from school and walks up to his mother . . . "Mom! I found out that I have the largest pecker in the third grade!" "That's great son." says his mother. "Is it because I am black?" says the kid? "No, it is probably because you are 18 years old." says his mother. ------------------------------------------------------------ A golfer hooks his drive into the woods to the left of the fairway. While looking for his ball he happens upon a leprechaun. The leprechaun asks him, "How's your round of golf is going?". The golfer admits, "I'm having one of my worst rounds ever." The leprechaun zaps the golfer with a magic spell. The leprechaun then asks, "How's your sex life doing?" The golfer replies, "In all honesty, I haven't had any in years." So, the leprechaun zaps him with another spell. The golfer goes on to have his best round ever. Two months later the golfer is playing the same course. He checks to see if the leprechaun is still around. Sure enough, he spots him in the woods. The leprechaun asks, "How's how has your golf been lately?" The golfer responds with pride, "I'm playing the best golf of my life." The leprechaun than asks, "How's your sex life doing?" The golfer replies happily, "I've been getting some almost every other week." The leprechaun seemed dismayed and said, "Boy, I would have thought you would be doing much better than that." The golfer replied, "Well for a priest, from a small town, with no car, every other week isn't so bad." ------------------------------------------------------------ This guy goes into a bar and asks for a pint of beer. While the barman's pouring it, he looks about the place, and sees a piano man sitting there in front of the old ivories, giving it a bit of a play, and his pet monkey, which is wandering about with a tin mug collecting money. Now just as the barman finishes pouring the guy's pint, and the guy pays him, the monkey drops its tin cup, charges along across the floor, up onto the bar, unzips its flies, and dunks its dick into the guy's pint. At which, the guy turns to the piano man and says; "Do you know your monkey's dipped its dick in my beer?" To which the piano man replies; "No, but if you hum it, I'll improvise!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Yrneh Etac V - Cross-device link --------------- (novax!nowhere!etac5) OR (etac5@nowhere) A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.