Article: 25617 of talk.bizarre Path: news.duke.edu!duke!concert!gatech!destroyer!uunet!cis.ohio-state.edu!pacific.mps.ohio-state.edu!linac!att!cbfsb!cbnewsf.cb.att.com!forbes From: forbes@cbnewsf.cb.att.com (Scott Forbes) Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.misc,alt.flame,talk.bizarre Subject: REPOST / =2= 1992 Usenet Olympics: The Marathon, part 1 Summary: The Olympics are shareware! Send $19.95 to your local cable operator Keywords: The 1992 Usenet Olympic Games -- exclusively on USPN! Message-ID: <1992Aug7.052613.3043@cbfsb.cb.att.com> Date: 7 Aug 92 05:26:13 GMT References: <1992Aug3.052444.27944@cbfsb.cb.att.com> <1992Aug4.045234.24741@cbfsb.cb.att.com> Sender: news@cbfsb.cb.att.com Organization: Usenet Sports Programming Network Lines: 177 Xref: news.duke.edu rec.arts.sf.misc:2625 alt.flame:11883 talk.bizarre:25617 Status: R "No stop signs, speed limit Nobody's gonna slow me down I got wheels, gonna spin 'em Nobody's gonna's mess me around" -- "Highway to Hell" (AC/DC) * * * The Usenet Sports Programming Network proudly presents: \\ __________________ ___________________ Exclusive Coverage //// _________________ /'\ ______________________________ of the (____) ________________ / . \ __________ 1992 Usenet Olympic Games \ / The Marathon, / \ || part one / ' \ || / . \ ._______. / \ | OZ ^| / ' \ |26 mi.^| / . \ '---+---' / \ | / ' \ | / . \ | / \ | / ' \ | / . \ / / ' Brought to you by Budweiser, / . the official alcoholic beverage / of the 1992 Usenet Olympic Games / ' . \ [Somewhere on the playing field of Lawrence Stadium, one of the "athletes" is trying to carry on a calm and civilized discussion. Shocked by this stunning breach of tradition, some of the other athletes stop flaming each other long enough to listen in.] Peter da Silva: >Look at this madness! [Gestures at the surrounding chaos] >There has to be a better way of making and changing newsgroups. Lazlo Nibble: >Right. Even if you find a better way of organizing this rabble, >how do you expect to get them to go along with it? Peter: >Anything is better than sitting by and watching as USENET slowly >disintegrates. We need to change the Guidelines. [There is a distant rumble of thunder.] Richard Caldwell: >I can't believe this! How can a group like rec.arts.manga, with >a charter broader than misc.misc and a level out of place in the >naming hierarchy, get passed and created? Peter: >Because the current newsgroup voting system combines and confuses >two entirely separate issues. Those people voted "yes" because >they were interested in the topic, not because they thought that >the group was named correctly or that it had a reasonable charter. >If we want to prevent these kind of problems, we need to change >the Guidelines. [There is a rumble of thunder, and the sky gradually darkens. A gust of wind whips across the playing field of Lawrence Stadium; the wind increases until the players are shouting over it.] Chip Salzenberg: >These massive reorganizations are a nightmare! Twenty ideas for >new UNIX newsgroups, all of them conflicting. How can we find an >acceptable way to sort out all these names and vote on them? Peter: [irritated] >Are you people listening to me? WE NEED TO CHANGE THE GUIDELINES! [There is a brilliant flash of lightning and a dull roar like the sound of a hundred locomotives. A funnel cloud appears above the stadium, and the building's foundations begin to shake. In the burst of lightning, an oddly young-looking old man appears wearing a grey cloak, a white gold ring and a brass lantern. The man carries no burden, but walks as if the fate of millions were balanced upon his shoulders.] Chuq von Ruspach: [to Peter] >NOW you've done it, you fool! [The stadium is lifted off the ground and pulled into the tornado, spinning wildly. Images appear in the sky above the stadium...] Alok Vijayvargia: [tugging on an object] >It's MINE, you understand! Mine mine mine mine mine! Kent Paul Dolan: >Idiots! >Morons! Chuck Herrick: >Just say NO to no votes! [Suddenly the images are replaced by a single Eye, burning red and filled with unspeakable malice. The eye appears to be searching for something or someone, and a terrible voice can just barely be heard...] Eye: >...One Rule to bind them all... [The eye fades to black, and the sky goes dark for a moment. There is a loud "crunch" from underneath the stadium, and then the darkness turns into a clear green sky.] Peter: >...green? Chuq: >You IMBECILE. Do you have any idea what you've just done? >Thousands of lives lost, all for a hopeless quest... Peter: >What the hell are you talking about? Where are we? Chuq: >You just dropped a building the size of the Parthenon >on top of Munchkin Village. Peter: >Huh!? But all I said was -- mmph! Chuq: [covering Peter's mouth] >Don't say it HERE, you fool! He'll hear you, and we'll all >be killed! [The other athletes, sensing a bizarre new plot twist, go back to flaming each other. Chuq and Peter are left alone.] Peter: >Where the hell is HERE? Chuq: >You said you wanted to change the G-- ...rules, didn't you? >Well, this is the place where they are changed. You must follow >the Asbestos Road to its terminus; there you will meet those who >have the power to change the rules. Peter: >Don't tell me. It's the Wizard of Usenet, and I get a pair of >ruby slippers, and the wicked witch is after my dog... Chuq: >I have told you all that I can. You must follow the road and >find the answer for yourself. I will accompany you for a while, >for the road is perilous and my help may aid your quest. Peter: >And you're the Good Witch. You're not going to start singing >anytime soon, are you? Chuq: [scornfully] >This is no game! [A pained look crosses Chuq's face, and he >appears to be looking inside himself.] What you do here may >affect the shape of Usenet for years to come, even decades. The >mistakes you make will have an impact on thousands of people. >And while you run around joking about witches and wizards, the >very fabric of Usenet is dissolving into chaos. Peter: >I know, I know, you're right... but this has got to be the most >ridiculous way of getting things done that I've ever heard of. Chuq: >Everything will make sense when we reach the end of the road. >Come. We must begin our quest. [...to be continued...]